Fashion Filter

Finding attractive clothing is difficult for me. Part of the problem is that by the time I get to shop by myself the only places open are superstores. Badly interpreted trends and cheap cotton abounds at the local TJ Max or Target. But the biggest problem is that if I'm lucky enough to find an outfit that makes my body look good, I will completely overlook just about any bad fashion detail. “Yea, so the shirt says ‘diva mommy’ but look at how great it makes my tits look!”.

When I watched Brittany Spears being interviewed by Matt Lauer I realized at once what had happened. She put on her clothing and selectively looked at herself. “Wow, my legs look fantastic in this skirt!”, completely disregarding that it was indeed the same denim miniskirt that was banned from retail in 1987.

Most recently, I bought a tie dyed tee shirt. Most people would stop at tie dye. But my foggy fashion vision saw only that the colors were black, brown and cream - thus within my acceptable palette. The cotton was also nice and thick so any back fat would be skimmed over and rendered unnoticeable. What I failed to recognize was that there was a starburst of tie-dye swirling out from my right breast. And that's not even the good one. This revelation came after I went to freshen up at the movie theatre. I put on my lip-gloss, stepped back and sonofabitch noticed the swirl of cream and brown orbiting my knocker.

Pants are especially hard for me and I blame it all on Kmart. As a kid we didn't have much money for clothing and so we bypassed the trendier Fashionation for Blue Light Specials. At the time darkly colored denim jeans with yellow stitching, a la Gloria Vanderbilt, were all the rage. So imagine my excitement when mom came home with several pairs for me. But like all designer knockoffs there is often one detail that lets the world know this isn't the real thing. For me it was a large, bright, yellow embroidered lemon that took up the entire back pocket and the words "Lemon Fizz" stitched in shiny silver thread angling down my thigh. That's right, the rest of my 5th grade year I was known as Fizz.

I believe this flashback, coupled with the fact that I'm packing some serious badunkadunk after birthing two kids, makes me loathe to turn around and view the back package when trying on pants. Looks awesome from the front, side view not bad either. Wrap it up! Sure enough, there will inevitably be some sort of stone wash that highlights my large ass with horizontal white streaks.

Lately, I've been playing it safe and sticking to the suburban mom uniform. Capris, solid tee shirt, sporty sandals and some piece of jewelry that attempts to add some original style. If I were trying to avoid being spotted in a lineup this would be a great strategy, since most of the Chicagoland moms are wearing the exact same thing.

But lately I have been yearning to update my clothing, assfat be damned. So if you see a stunned, tired looking lady walking around Wal-Mart around 9 PM with some “fancy” capris in her arms for christsakes flag me down and grab the sparkly pants. Put a Diet Dr. Pepper in my hand and slip the number of your sitter in my pocket so I can get myself to a store that doesn’t allow tapered pants or embroidered 4th of July flags on their clothing.

20 comments:

Kristin said...

can i tell you this i why i am huge on-line shopper!

sunshine scribe said...

My mom bought all our clothes at Kmart. I had those jeans.

And I'm with Kristin, the only way I can avoid this fate (which is rarely to be honest) - is to shop online.

Jenny said...

I feel your pain, fizz.

I had the vanderbilt knock-offs too but mine had a cherry logo stitched to the back pocket. They must have had a whole fruit and vegetable line.

Lotta said...

Online doesn't work for me for pants. Tops - I can do ok.

Sunshine, sister in pain.

Jenny, Good god a cherry! That's even worse when you think of the jokes that coulda come along with that one! Godspeed your pain Jenny.

Nancy said...

I've had to give myself a ban on buying impulse clothing purchases, because when I do that I will sometimes come home with the most inappropriate items. Shopping online (mostly for tops, also) does help with that, thankfully.

For me, it was the LL Bean duck boots that sounded the fashion death knell in middle school: I had my mom talk me into some not-so-suitable knockoffs, for which I was mocked incessantly. (Here's a fashion tip for you: rubber boat shoes are not a good choice)

jennster said...

i can't believe i wore shorts in public this weekend. seriously. i don't think certain items of clothing are made for people with shape. like my ass.

Lotta said...

One thing I can't wear is rubber or fake leather shoes. Creates a big old stinkfest.

Jennster - I saw you in those pictures of you in shorts and you need to lower your self expectations. You look great.

Sincerely,
Sister Cankles

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

That is hilarious. I identified with so much from you story.

I am wearing the suburban mom uniform RIGHT NOW. Seriously.

And I had a jeans crisis recently when I realized the Gap had loooong since discontinued my cut. Now all they make are the Low Rise cuts that make everyone appear to have love handles. Shudder.

And damnit if I didn't by my newest clothing item from Target. This was my strict assessment of the cut and color: Holy shit, $5 for a tee shirt. Okay. Done.

I used to like shopping, now I do it all online so I don't have to bother. Old Navy, baby!

P.S. I am sure you are your own harshest critic like we all are....

Lisa

chicaloungin said...

Y'know how the young Argentinian is trying to give me the juicy Argentinian butt by feeding me Argentinian cakes and cookies and how I know it's working...

Today, I wore a skirt I bought on sale at the end of last summer...

Getting into it wasn't easy but at the end of the day, after swelling everythings due to 101-degree weather, to get OUT of it, I had to pull my ass cheeks up and over the waist of it, millimeter by millimeter, as I wiggled and tugged and tried not to rip the styley thrifty purchase of my pre-Argentinian days right in half.

Should I make him by me another cute styley black skirt this August?

Lotta said...

Chicag - Straight up you should!

Binkytown said...

Ugh! Pants are the worst! I'm so starved for something fashionable that Im guilty of trying something on and lying to myself, saying it looks decent just because I want something new and hip and when I get them home I'm like- I'm an idiot! These are horrible!

Lotta said...

Exactly my friend.

Veronica said...

I hate shopping for clothes, especially pants. It's just so hard to find something that fits me and looks decent at the same time. Every time I go shopping I leave feeling tired and defeated.

And for the record, tapered pants are bad, bad, bad, bad.... No one should wear them ever. I weigh 105 pounds and they make MY ass look huge. Avoid them like the plague.

Lotta said...

105 pounds? Did you weigh that little before you moved to India?

Veronica said...

I've lost about five pounds since I moved here, but my weight is actually pretty decent for my height since I'm only 5'1.

Betsy Wasser said...

I have the Suburban Mom Outfit in, like, ten colors.

Lotta said...

We all do Betsy. We all do.

dianeinjapan said...

Try shopping for pants in Japan, surely the Flat Bum capital of the world. Attempting to squeeze in one's American grain-fed ham hocks is not not not a pretty sight.

Lotta said...

I can only imagine!

I just avoided another fashion disaster. I was at Target and had tried on a pair of those trendy super wide legged capris in a silky material. They made my butt look smaller and I liked the swish. I almost bought them.

Then, as I was walking to the register I realized they were purple. A nice deep plum shade, but still purple. My size xxl ass almost walked down the street in a giant pair of purple palatzo (sp?) pants. Sigh.

Glad your back!

dianeinjapan said...

Thanks! I haven't been attending to my blog in the past week or so, but I'll have a few posts coming soon. Yeah, I understand about the pants. The other day I bought a pair of dark green, super-silky cotton gauchos from TJ Maxx (but hey, orig. from Urban Outfitters). I wore them today and Husband kept saying that the fabric made it look like I had a constant wedgie. As you said--Sigh.