Crafts gone bad

These are the magnets that I made for my daughter's baptism luncheon. They were to be mounted on stock card paper with a "Thank you for sharing our blessed day" note written on the card.

And this is what happened instead. (Ok not really, but in my OCD head this is what it looks like).

How? How? How on earth did I manage to chip out my front tooth making marble magnets - the easiest crafter project possible? Well I'll tell you.

I had just finished my awesome kitty using a pattern from Wee Wonderfuls. It was amazing. Not perfect, but the nature of the project led itself to forgiving wonky sewing.

Then I stuffed, and suddenly kitty developed a bad case of ebola. The stuffing was splitting out of her hands and feet. I sighed. I vowed not to give up and began stitching shut the areas that had busted open. Not to be. Not to be. Stuffing kept hemorrhaging out of poor kitty's limbs. Turns out the fabric I used for kitty's body was a burlapy/linen fabric that didn't take well to pressure. Sonofabitch. My own damnable fault for not reading the directions and trying to be all "original" with the fabric. I'll just make marble magnets to make myself feel better. What could go wrong? A lot apparently.

Being a person who demands perfection but does not have the capacity to create it I fully embrace super powered products. Any household cleaner with names like BAM, WHAMMY and KNOCK-YO-SHITOFF go right into my shopping basket. As a result many of the finishes in our house have been strangely eaten away. "Your not using scratchy cleaner on the sink are you? Cause that'll take that finish right off!" yells husband. "Nope, nope not me. Nope, no sir!" as I desperately wave the Comet-Now With Bleach fumes out the kitchen window.

So when I went to buy the magnets that would adhere to the back of the marbles I could not just buy the ordinary magnets. I wanted bionic woman style magnets. Magnets that would hold up the biggest, most hideous art project your kid could drag home. Construction paper dangling with 10 pounds of dried pasta.

Later that night I laughed as I read all the BOLD, LARGELY printed warnings on the back of the magnet package to my husband. "Jesus, will ya look at this. Don't use if you're pregnant. Don't put near your credit cards or computer. A little heavy handed for magnets the size of tic tacs." I drawled.

The first clue should have been when I had trouble laying out the first batch of finished marble magnets. The marble magnets could not be less than 3 feet from each other or they would fly across the desk and snap together, sometimes cracking the glass. But no, "These are some damn magnets!" I chortled proudly.

Then I placed a row of them between my lips, much as a seamstress would nonchalantly place a pin in her mouth. However, I forgot about the good old fashioned 70's metal fillings in the back of my mouth. Cause the magnets SNAPPED backwards to try to attach to them. Snapped and cracked off the bottom part of one of my front teeth. Shit.

It's not bad enough to require cosmetic dentistry. But I need to look in the mirror every 10 minutes to remind myself of that since my OCD mind creates a horrid image in my head when I can't see the reality (Cue banjos). I also can't stop running my tongue across the jagged edge shredding it to bits. I debated getting the metal nail file to file it down, but then realized that was just the kind of thinking that wasn't working out for me.

Day of the party I wisely assessed that there would be no adhering of these mofo magnets to any stock card. They would snap together creating a wretched ball of paper. So I cleverly put them on the fridge with a note telling guests to help themselves. During the party cleanup I realized that only a couple of magnets were missing. I fumed, didn't they know what I sacrificed for these freaking favors? My sister took me aside and explained that everytime the guests would try to pluck one from the fridge they wouldn't let go. A few determined guests vigorously pulled on a marble magnet and the glass snapped apart leaving the detached mofo magnet on the fridge. Guests were frightened that their children would be cut.

Sigh. My next project is to make something cool (she's reading this so I can't say what) for Carol's birthday present. Frankly, I'm putting it off a couple of days. I'm not up to the task just yet, and I don't have the money to pay the ER.


Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

Wow, what would the lady at the sewing store say about these crafts, dearie? Too funny.


Lotta said...

I'm going to try again. Just as soon as my tooth is fixed.

If I get it right I'de like to make some subversive ones to subtly leave on my conservative friends and in-laws fridges when I visit.

Jenny said...

Ok, I don't mean to laugh but I so feel your pain.

I got a herniated disc from brushing my hair. Yes...brushing my hair.

We must be related.

Lotta said...

Laugh, please laugh. It's either laugh or cry so I usually laugh.

Get out! Brushing your hair? You were trying to get all fancy with a round brush weren't you?

hillary said...

oh. my. god. that is hilarious!! where did you find those magnets?! nasa? that is cracking me up. I'm sorry about your tooth, of course, but I can't stop laughing. go to the dentist and they'll sand that right down for you. I've had an ocd bumpy tooth issue myself.

I just cannot get the image of your guests trying to wrench the magnets off the fridge out of my head!

Veronica said...

Those magnets sound scary.

I also have a chipped tooth that I keep imagining is much worse than it is. I broke the clasp of my necklace and tried to bite it closed again but ended up chipping my tooth instead. I also debated filing it down, but realised that I was thinking crazy thoughts.

Lotta said...

I heard the dentist will do it for you so I'm all for that! I fear that my addication to Diet Dr. Pepper is what softened my teeth to begin with. I'm being forced to take a long hard look at my beverage choices.

Lotta said...

adication = addiction

Sylvie said...

WOW! Reading that made my front teeth hurt!

Sylvie said...

Oh but the magnets were a GREAT idea

Lotta said...

Thanks Sylvie! I'm going to try to reglue some less intense magnets to the marbles I made....

Anonymous said...

Super color scheme, I like it! Good job. Go on.

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Penguin said...




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