Free stuff with pee included

I just visited the Dermatologist and did a postpartum overhaul yesterday. When I'm pregnant moles pop out like done toast. It isn't pretty.

So I sliced and diced and got prescription creams to get rid of frown (why did you pour the juice yourself baby) lines that I couldn't afford if I wasn't buying with a prescription co-pay.


Of course I had a HOT YOUNG male doctor who was the one to look at my crackly heels and talk about giving me a cream with urea (that's pee) in it. But he understood vanity and did everything he could do to get stuff done within insurance guidelines.

"Wow, I bet that skin tag is really BOTHERING you. I think that would really RUB and IRRITATE you." wink wink. Till I figured out that skin lesions didn't turn him on. He was just trying to guide me as to what I needed to say to get this taken care of courtesy of Blue Cross Blue Shield.


Maybe he just felt sorry for me. The motivation for getting in to see him was that my hair started to fall out! Now reviewing the fact that I am a self diagnosed OCD no one else can see this loss (except for my dad, love you dad!). But it's there, I swear it! As I'm running my fingers through my hair to rinse out the conditioner I'm pulling out clumps. My ponytail has gone from a nice thick tail to a scrawny mid-life-crisis-man-tail.

Turns out its just stress that's making my hair fall out. Mary, mother of Jesus -stress? He asked me, "Is there anything in your life that's stressing you out right now?" I looked around the office at my children. The sitter had been unable to come and so I dragged them along at the last minute without a diaper bag in tow. My daughter had one bottle of prescription mommy vitamins in each hand and was shaking them and dancing. My son had found a copy of Time that showed guns and war and wouldn't give it up for a bribe of a gallon of chocolate milk. The contents of my purse had been strewn about and I quickly turned away before I saw any grungy tampons on the floor.

"Um, are you serious?" I answered. "Do you have kids?"
Then he looked sheepish. Sheepish, single and childfree. Next thing I knew I was getting some wrinkle prescriptions, big sample jars of crackly foot cream (with pee) and unsightly pregnancy growths lopped off for free. I'm not proud, next time I think I'll force my friend Carol's youngest to skip her naps and bring her with. Maybe I can get some free Botox out of it.

By the way this post was totally inspired by the hot and funny Jenny over at Mama Drama.

14 comments:

RC said...

kind of gross that it has pee in it, but that was very nice of the doctor to give you the magic words.

--RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com

Lotta said...

It is synthetic, but still pee is pee is pee.

Jenny said...

I injected myself with pig intestines for almost a year. Topically applying pee would be a classy step up for me.

PS. Thanks so much for the linky-love! And also? We're so related...my last post was about my OCD as well. We could get together and never get anything accomplished.

Lotta said...

Jenny - anytime! What the heck did the pig intestines do? I know my father in law had rooster parts injected into his bum knee and it worked well.

Domestic Chicky said...

It is normal and even expected for your hair to shed A LOT post partum. The hormones that caused your hair to grow so much while you were pregnant came to a screeching halt once you delivered. So all that hair that was in a growing phase has now gone straight to shedding. You should be seeing new growth-little sprouty hairs at the scalp.

Hehe-sorry for the PSA

You got pee on you ...lol

Jenny said...

I have a weird blood disease that causes my blood to be "sticky" so I had to get anticoagulants everyday when I was pregnant. Shooting yourself up with pig juice apparently keeps your blood thin. Ever heard the phrase "bleeding like a stuck pig"? That's where it comes from.

I feel like I just did a public service announcement...The More You Know.

Lotta said...

Jen - "The More You Know" Snort. Good one.

Domestic - You are so sweet, but I am 14 months postpartum. This is something else. And I did shed like a pony after birth'n both babies. This is like cancer clumps coming out of my hair.

Andie said...

I have to go to the dermatologist too. I'm trying to avoid it, actually.

chicaloungin said...

I had a HOT DOCTOR once and the sad part is, I had on these super goofy gingerbread men underwear... hadn't even thought about the fact that since I was there for HIP PAIN, it might involve me on a table trying to rotate my leg for said HOT DOCTOR... showing off my bad undies!

Note to self: ALWAYS wear pretty panties .

Lotta said...

Oh Chica, I had a hot ob/gyny once. Lord. I was single and had a bad reaction to some spermacide (and too much sex in one night. Like I said, I was single.) So rash plus hot Ob. I could have died!

Also, you and anyone else that thinks I am even remotely funny HAS to read Laurie Notaro' Idiot Girls Action Adventure Club. She is my idol. And there is a scene where she is out of clean undies so she goes to the Dr. in black opaque pantyhose. Of course she doesn't realize that there is big hole in the crotch for the entire exam.

Lotta said...

Andi - go!

Domestic Chicky said...

Yikes! Ok, you're just f'ed...Kidding.

Gotta hot ob appt next thurs-oh, the grooming...

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