Spazzercise

Well Atkins has been more like 1/2 day Atkins. Sadly, we have learned that meat + meat = weight loss. But meat + icecream = weight gain. I'm actually weaning off one of my post-partum mommy vitamins so I'm trying to be kind to myself. Cravings and withdrawl seem to go hand in hand. (Not to mention eye ticks that have me looking like I'm putting the make on everyone who makes eye contact.) In the meantime, I've stocked the fridge with tempting poultry products in hopes that today will be the day. I'm giving myself till the weekend and then going all out cavewoman.

I just finished reading 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet. Good book! They give an overall review of all the weight loss programs (Jenny Craig, Dr. Phil, etc.) out there today as well as looking at some of the excercise programs like Curves. I wish the excercise portion of the book had been expanded upon a bit more. I would like to find something I can do that won't injure anyone.

The last time I did group excercise it was a step class. I had visions of stepping up and down, side to side, just like we did in the 80's on our magenta and blue steppers. Wrong. The moves were so complex they actually had names. The instructor would shout out "Elvis!" or "Rumba" and the steppers would launch into a complex dance routine that involved tap dancing on top of their steppers like they were rooftops in a musical.

Initially, I had been in the front of the class to better see the instructor. Eventually, I slunk to the back after realizing my spazzercising was throwing off the rhythm of the people behind me.
A cute girl was having a hard time and that made feel a litle better. When she left she got a "Come back and try again!" and a smattering of applause. A few minutes later I left too, I paused at the door waiting and nothing. Nothing man. I was so bad they weren't going to yell "come back soon!". I think next time I'm at the club I will be sure to do my stretching excercises right outside the glass walls of the studio. Maybe I'll let my baggy yoga XXXL Target yoga pants fall down so I "accidentally" moon them a few times.

Prior to working out at my shmancy club I went with Carol to her Jazzercise class. Carol is so into Jazzercise it's just damn cute. She has a little wheely bag, mat and water bottle with the words Jazzercise printed on it. I want to give her Jazz hands everytime I see her all dressed up to excercise.

The class was in a church basement with a stage up front. I loved that the class had a mix of women of all ages and sizes. The dance routines were also broken up into short segments that made it easier to memorize. Each segment went with a selection of music. Wait, did I say music? I meant to say We Love The 80's music. The dance routines were simple enough but I could not stop cracking up at all of us. We were like the reject Solid Gold Dancers.
"Solid Gold!" Snicker. Snort. I tried to parlay my amusement into a super happy enthusiasm for the love of dance. But then I looked like retarded solid gold dancer and that just made me laugh even harder. God bless those sweet Jazzercisers but I just can't do it with a straight face.

What I don't understand is why I'm not super skinny from all my mommy excercise. I bend, I lift, I stretch, I reach over and over all day. If my butt hits the seat for more than the allotted one hour naptime I'm in shock. Before kids I sat in a desk chair all day and managed to stay on the border of onederland. Maybe it's the constant proximity to food and the unfinished kids meals that are doing me in? In the meantime, please send your meat and veggie vibes my way so I can get back on the Atkins wagon. Veggie bloggers just send the lettuce vibes.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I'm currently pregnant with our first (due in Nov) and am already trying to conceptualize how in the world I am going to be able to squeeze exercise into my daily life again (I work full time, too). Before I got pregnant, I worked out at Curves (and walked)... have you looked into them? For time-crunched women, its a nice way to get some pounds off... but I don't think you will ever get the "Madonna" body from working out there... good luck!
Alicia

chicaloungin said...

I clearly remember long ago watching the Solid Gold dancers on TV and telling my dad, "I want to be a Solid Gold dancer when I grow up" and he was like, "Uh, no you don't."

Anonymous said...

I began going to Curves just last week...I just hope I can find my waist again...and my poochy tummy will un-pooch at some time...and my upper arms wont look so much like turkey thighs...and my butt...well, gee, I hope...uhhhhh..
basically, am hoping for the best!

Lotta said...

Ha! You girls make me laugh, always! Daughter was up on a patio table hanging on to the umbrella pole and dancing to the music they pipe in at the pool. I'm like "Look Todd, that's our future".

Curves kinda scares me. But frankly anything that gets you moving is a good thing. I lost 4 pounds camping just because I had to hike to the potty everytime I went. I'm terrified a racoon will bite my ass if I pee in the woods. (True fear!) If I'm forced to pee in nature I will stick as close to the tents as possible. Of course urine bouncing off a hard dirt surface can get a little noisy at 3am. In the morning my sister asked me if a race horse had come by the tents last night. She's a real cut up. Ok this is turning into a blog entry so don't be surprised if I recycle this comment.

chicaloungin said...

Lotta: I was chased by a raccoon after peeing (accidentally) on its nest. Seriously, I was just pulling up my pants making a joke to the guy friend "guarding me" and I said: Oh watch, a raccoon will probably bite me on the ass now" and then ONE JUMPED out of the bush. I am damn lucky. We ran. I jumped on the guy's back, I swear, and we ran. Funny now. Then, eeeeeviilll!

Lotta said...

Chica - get the f*ck out of here! Oh my stars - I am laughing myself silly right now reading your comment. I am now going to purchase a kids portable potty to install in the tent and will be urinating in that at night.

One time, (true story!!!) when my husband and I were dating we went camping with a large group of friends/family. Back then "camping" meant drinking your ass off around the fire until you passed out in your tent. Well one of the guys was petting this dog for a long time and finally asked, "Who's brought the dog?" Well - nobody. He had been petting a racoon for almost a half an hour! AAAAAH.

Anonymous said...

Lotta,
This is good for emergency camping in a tent and its pouring down raining outside...always have a plastic sack in the tent...like a shopping bag from any of the 'Marts and open as widely as possible (depends on how good you think you can pee into the bag),then whiz away, tie the handles together and place carefully outside the tent until proper disposal in the AM. :-)
Lucy

Andie said...

You just cracked me up with this entry! Oh my goodness!

And like you, I took a step class and was so confused that I just marched in place after a while... and had a very red face because the instructor worked me way too hard!