Crappy Kitchen Porn

Baby. I'm on the floor in the kitchen. On my belly, lighting the fluuuuuuuuuuuuuulight baby. That's right. It's hot, real hot. I've got a big long stick in my hand. So long. To light the stove with. Cause it's old, and the flu won't stay lit, but it still works fiiiiiine.

I'm making muffins baby. Mmmmm-mmmmm. That's right. Muffins. Now I'm digging my fingernails deep, into the sides of the drawers. Oh yea. That's right. Cause the hardware fell off so I'm using my fingernails to open it baby. So I can get the spatula. To make the muffffins baby.

Now I'm pressing my back against the fridge. Ooooh it's so cold. I've got goosebumps. I'm pressing hard baby. Cause the seal is broken and it won't shut all the way. Mmmm-mmmm.

Now I'm on my tiptoes baby. Arching my back ever so slightly. Oooh yea. Arching, so I can reach the smoke alarm and turn if off baby before the old stove sets it off. Smoke and fire baby that's what I'm about today baby. Smoke and fire.

Now I'm bending over and you can see my crack naughty baby. That's right. The big crack in my lineolum floor. Ooooh.

Baby I'm trembling. Oh wait baby. That's the fan shaking up the ceiling. Oh yea, it's shaking it good and hard. I'm throwing my head back baby so I can see. Seeee the plaster raining down on my face. From the ceiling fan. Ummmm-mmmmm.

What's that baby? Oh yea, your muffins are done and ready for you baby. Ready for you to smother them with butt-ah substitute. How can I tell baby? Cause the smoke is burning black and hot from the junk melted to the bottom of the stove sugah. Ooh so black. So hot. That's right. Ummmmm-mmmmm.

17 comments:

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Now, I'm all tingly inside.

Can I have a muffin?

Lotta said...

I think I overdid this entry.

No muffins for you! They burnt.

Pamplemousse's Mom said...

LOL... I needed that.

Now I want muffins.

Abra Leah said...

You are so hott!!! :)

Anonymous said...

So f'ing funny. You made my day with this one. I too have a crappy kitchen and relate!

Jenny said...

Holy crap. This ones getting passed around the office.

Priceless!

Jen said...

he he he he he he - very few people have actually made coffee come out of my nostril...

congrats you should be proud...

Lotta said...

Phew. I almost took this one down. I was worried it was too much. I wrote in the wee hours after drink'n too much diet dr. pepper.

jen said...

There is NO overdoing Kitchen Porn dear sista!!! ;)
So..ya made some ROCK HARD muffs, eh? Heeeee heee heeee

Slacker Mommy said...

Oh, yeah baby! Diet Dr. Pepper gets me all hot and bothered too! Nothing like a little kitchen porn to get you through your day.

Mamma said...

DON'T TAKE IT DOWN!!!

That is hysterical!!!!!!! I can see the whole YouTube video now.

I just read that to the hubs, he cackled too.

You are a riot!

Mrs. Chicken said...

Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "muffin top." :)

Trish said...

;)

Anonymous said...

Thanks!

Gogiy said...

;)

Deb said...

Oh, baby! Muffins! I want to hear you reading this out loud! I'll chime in with some of the ohhhs from the audience. Love it!

Lotta said...

I don't think I could do the "oohs" on stage. I would need you to come up and be my orgasm interpreter. Like a sign language lady only a lot more fun to watch.