Crazy Juice

I love my sister. She's bright, hilarious and has these big mystical eyes that just suck you in whenever you look at her. She is also a nut, as all women in my family are required to be.

So I wasn't totally blown away when I heard about her new "full body detox". Apparently, she has been subsiding on nothing but a concoction of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, organic maple syrup and no food whatsoever. She drinks six to eight glasses a day of this stuff. Six to eight! And this daily gourmand starts off her morning with a big slug of sea salt water. She confessed to puking that right back up when she tried it the first morning, but insists that was because she didn't have the water temperature right. "No", I said, "you puked it up because it is DISGUSTING."

Tela: The first day I felt kind of bad, but then after the third day I got kind of a euphoric feeling. I was like, whoa I better watch this.

Me: Yea, like watch that crazy feeling man.

Tela: Snort. Shut up!

Me: And what do you mean "after the third day" how many days have you been on this detox diet?


Tela: I'm done, this was my last day today. Day 10.

Me: Day 10! Are you nuts, how are you still standing? Don't you feel loopy?

Tela: Noooooooooo, not at all. I feel greeeeat! I have this awesome sense of smell now. I really smell things you know. I can like smell stuff. Matt (her boyfriend) had this Farfell sandwich in the car, and it was like totally wrapped up and in a paper bag. In the backseat! And I could smell everything. I was like, Matt, I can smell your cucumber, I can smell your hot sauce, I can smell your lettuce (she goes on for awhile like an f'ed up Romper Room lady reading names through her magic mirror)

Me: Uh, you can smell those things because your body is actively seeking out FOOD. Your nose is starving!

Tela: Noooo. You could totally do this, you should do this! Do it! You could do this!

Me: Um, no I couldn't do it. I would not be able to make myself drink that stuff. You and mom have this insane ability to eat or drink anything. Mom chews her pills for God sakes. Not swallows...chews! I could not drink lemonshit.

Tela: At night you drink this Senna laxative tea to cleanse your body. Not full strength Senna, this has peppermint in it to soothe you. Like, there is no way I could drink Senna FULL STRENGTH, you know?

Me: Oh yea, I mean you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere.

Tela: Snort. Shut up!

10 comments:

Jenny said...

Oh my God. I love your sister almost as much as I love my own. Does she also dye her hair hot pink and shave her toddlers hair into a mohawk? Because if so I'm pretty sure she's doing a side job as my sister.

And are you sure she didn't hallucinate this Matt person? Because drinking sea water will do that to you. Because, um, it's like poison.

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

I detoxed recetnly. Not that way, but close. But strangely enough, I do understand the euphoria feeling. It's called hunger. But after a few days, you do feel a whole lot better... Cleaner, lighter, more energetic...then you start to eat real food again and the whole farking thing goes to waste. Adn you are right back where you started.

Lori said...

What is going on with this "cleansing" thing? I keep hearing about it - and have had more than one friend do/try it. One went on it for 40 days - the other lasted 1 day!
Isn't your body supposed to be "cleansed" after two days of not eating and just drinking plain water (and I am sure the salt water - a natural laxitive - and a laxative a night is the "cleansing" part of all this)?

Lotta said...

Jenny - Snort. No pink hair. Just crazy juice diets and radical politics. Carol (friend) is actually trying to convince me to do the mohawk thing with my son.

Janet - The detoxing I understand. The lemonpisswater I just can't stomach.

Lori - I guess you are cleansing everything. Your "entire digestive system". This is all likely good for you but I've not the willpower to do it.

Butterfly in Disguise said...

My mother is a Sunrider addict. Always detox this and margarine has plastic in it and blah blah blah. I keep asking her, "Why do you want to make yourself live longer?" Really, who here wants to get old? On the other hand I can see how it is supposed to make you feel better and who wouldn't like that? But still...no thanks. Good post.

Andie said...

some celebrity swears by that lemon juice-cayenne-maple syrup thing.

Gross.

shpprgrl said...

My blog-friend did that. He gave a play by play. He didn't post for awhile and I thought he died or something. I'm a weenie and could never do it. I once tried a diet where you drank warm lemon water. I tried to drink it and gagged myself silly. It was horrid. Hats of to those that can though. :)

chicaloungin said...

First off, thank you for the Romper Room Lady. I have missed her. I wish life were still so simple.

I'm tempted to cleanse... once the grammar teaching ends (now I need chocolate cake for breakfast to make me feel loved)...

And Lotta, where did you and sistah Tela get your names? We are just Chris and Jen (yawn).

Lotta said...

Yes, I am with all of you who are for the cleanse, but against the lemonfizz. I've bought some parasite cleanses myself (though I've been too chickshit to actually use them) and one day I'll do it. I really will.

Domestic Chicky said...

I have thought about doing this, but I hear it can be miserable at first. And the stuff that comes out of your body? (shudder)