I love my sister. She's bright, hilarious and has these big mystical eyes that just suck you in whenever you look at her. She is also a nut, as all women in my family are required to be.
So I wasn't totally blown away when I heard about her new "full body detox". Apparently, she has been subsiding on nothing but a concoction of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, organic maple syrup and no food whatsoever. She drinks six to eight glasses a day of this stuff. Six to eight! And this daily gourmand starts off her morning with a big slug of sea salt water. She confessed to puking that right back up when she tried it the first morning, but insists that was because she didn't have the water temperature right. "No", I said, "you puked it up because it is DISGUSTING."
Tela: The first day I felt kind of bad, but then after the third day I got kind of a euphoric feeling. I was like, whoa I better watch this.
Me: Yea, like watch that crazy feeling man.
Tela: Snort. Shut up!
Me: And what do you mean "after the third day" how many days have you been on this detox diet?
Tela: I'm done, this was my last day today. Day 10.
Me: Day 10! Are you nuts, how are you still standing? Don't you feel loopy?
Tela: Noooooooooo, not at all. I feel greeeeat! I have this awesome sense of smell now. I really smell things you know. I can like smell stuff. Matt (her boyfriend) had this Farfell sandwich in the car, and it was like totally wrapped up and in a paper bag. In the backseat! And I could smell everything. I was like, Matt, I can smell your cucumber, I can smell your hot sauce, I can smell your lettuce (she goes on for awhile like an f'ed up Romper Room lady reading names through her magic mirror)
Me: Uh, you can smell those things because your body is actively seeking out FOOD. Your nose is starving!
Tela: Noooo. You could totally do this, you should do this! Do it! You could do this!
Me: Um, no I couldn't do it. I would not be able to make myself drink that stuff. You and mom have this insane ability to eat or drink anything. Mom chews her pills for God sakes. Not swallows...chews! I could not drink lemonshit.
Tela: At night you drink this Senna laxative tea to cleanse your body. Not full strength Senna, this has peppermint in it to soothe you. Like, there is no way I could drink Senna FULL STRENGTH, you know?
Me: Oh yea, I mean you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere.
Tela: Snort. Shut up!