Promise Me The Moon Baby

What the hell kinda ad is this?

Should other companies follow suit?

"Cisco - least likely to fuck up your business."

"Joes Crab Shack - smallest number of listeria cases."

"Target - More expensive stuff, but fewer customers named BobbySue."

On the other side of the extreme advertising I just bought a mattress pad for our bed with some strange packaging. Our son, aka. "The Urinator" has desecrated our relatively new mattress. Because toddlers possess the ability to continually rotate 360 degrees during the night and yet remain in a deep sleep, the urine is deposited in a startling composition. Surely, anyone coming to haul away our mattress would be convinced we were heavily into golden showers.
Me: We need a new mattress. When it's damp out I can smell the pee!

Husband: We can't afford one, just get a mattress pad.

Me: So you are proposing that we just layer the urine. Sort of like a urine baklava.
So I huffed off to TJ Max today and bought a Simmons Beautyrest Mattress pad guaranteed to "refresh your tired old mattress". The advertising on the side of the packaging was hysterically optimistic. "Feels just like you might be sleeping on a pillow top mattress." Well I just "might" then! And my favorite, "Pad has special patented stretch material around edges so it will accommodate any depth of mattress". Uh, you mean "elastic"?

So sweet damn dreams for me tonight eh?


Jenny said...

There are so many damn good things in this post I don't even know where to begin...but "urine baklava"?

Scathingly brilliant.

I had to read it twice it was so good.

Nat said...

The mattress ad people got paid beaucoups for that shit! We could do it--I know that I am a master at the bullshit and trying to make things seem better than they are. "They are not stinky green beans, they are Italian green beans, lightly steamed with a touch of prosciutto"
(Canned green beans with some bacon)
Also, I cannot get my google homepage to pick up your feed. I wonder if I'm doing something wrong.

mad muthas said...

oh bloody hell - did you have to? i've been eating baklava today - naturally, cos i've just started a diet - and now i feel quite pukey! blah ....

Lotta said...

Jenny! If you keep this up I'm going to have to come to the South and stalk you! "Tell me how good I am again Jenny, come on, tell me, tell me!"

Nat - I have a feeling that the creative dept came up with some brilliant taglines that were quickly mangled by corporate and regurgitated as this one. Wish I could help you with the google thing! But please come back manually!

Mad Muthas - Sorry. It did make me think twice about buying bakalava at trader joes today too.

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

I love Joe's Crab Shack.."Joe's...Mamma....Loves...Crabs!" Whoo hooooo!

I've been there in Virginia. L.O.V.E. It.

Does the mattress pad work?

Gretchen said...

Terribly funny.

Something I have found to eliminate the peed mattress smell: spray your mattress down with water, sprinkly with Borax (just like grandma had), rub it in and let it dry. When it's dry, vacuum up.

Yep, done that before...

Lotta said...

Janet - It made for a more cozy and freshly scented sleep. But I do lie there and think about all that will fester trapped beneath the pad and mattress. I'm solving this by buying some red wine to drink before bedtime.

Gretchen - Thanks! Great tip!

jen said...

urine baklava. nice. maybe with a layer of baking soda...

Lotta said...

Jen - Oh yes, and a dash of Febreeze.

chicaloungin said...

With this urine baklava and your love of gross candy, why Lotta, I see a career in the works... gross bakery stuff.

Can I work there too? I want to quit teaching.

shpprgrl said...

But does the ad say "blocks tinkle"?

I have perfected a layering technique with mattress pads that I might need to share. It definitely has helped.

Can stop the urinator here, but I can beat her with my game. ;)

Funny post!