Christmas Kitsch

I'm in full on cozy mode. The house is decorated, my slippers are on, the kids are napping and the Xanax is working. I'm mentally spending the money I just earned doing some freelance marketing work by browsing ebay and marking "Watch This Item" on everything that amuses.

This little baby is calling out to me. It's a Fire Ball Christmas Tree Extinguisher. Cause the kickass tinsel trees of the 50's would get a little crispy on occasion (remember the scene in A Christmas Story when the dad plugs the leg lamp into an already overloaded socket). I love that families said to hell with home safety - we're decorating! Yea, poinsettias are poisonous. But it's Christmas, just tell Jr. not to eat it or I'll make him drink the Ipecac!

I'm hoping that no one bids on this auction so I can contact the seller and see if she'll sell it to me on the cheap. I'm normally not an advocate of slippery ebay tactics but I do so long for this wreath! Not only because it represents the 50's fun style of holiday decor but because it would horrify my mother. She and my father have aimed a single white spotlight on a large evergreen in their yard. That's it. They are featuring the glory of nature for Christmas. No big bows or things that go blinkety blink. It's as if they missed the whole IDEA of Christmas! Tinsel exists for reason! But if I have any independently wealthy readers that would like to sponsor a mothershocker of a Christmas wreath I promise I'll post pictures of both the wreath adorning my door and my mother's expression when she comes aknock'n.

I was recently browsing Christmas decor at Kmart (Martha still manages to squeak through a few cute things but has clearly lost the firm hold she used to have on her Kmart kingdom.) And I sucked air after seeing some great kitschy decor. I immediately started having a conversation with my mom, in my head, as I often do. I imagined I was rationalizing my purchase o
f the obviously fake evergreen garland with the tinsel candy canes. "Mom, imagine there is a border of good taste. Tackyland is on one side, Lovelyland on the other. Once something has traveled far away and deep into Tackyland it actually reenters Lovelyland again.

Then I saw this plaque on ebay and realized there was yet another dimension to explain. There are a few rare items who have gone so far across the border that they live in the deep dark woods of Tackyland. These items hide, biding their time until they are brave enough to reenter the world as art. They are so f'ed up that you just want to display them with a spotlight in your rec room. Case in point: The Christmas Plaque. I mean someone MADE this. Someone was PROUD of this. It's just awe inspiring. Really, I defy you to look at that and not feel the swell of the Christmas Spirit.

Ah ebay. You will be my undoing!


colorbox said...

I love crossing that tackyland border....I decorate with plastic holly/pine garlands, and shiny metallic crap from yesteryear. I think it captures the essence of the wacky aspects of the season...of which there are many. Several years ago when my parents were divorcing during the holiday season I wandered around the local Goodwills and Value Villages..and yes, I hit them ALL up...nearly spending my entire student loan check on the stuff. It made perfect sense at the time. And there was much to find. If e-bay fails you...might I suggest a trip to your local crap dump off.

Crabcake said...

The boyfriend and I had a conversation about kitsch last night. Well, we often have conversations about kitsch. I'm trying to get him good and educated on it before we get married. Although I can't expect him to love it as completely and unconditionally as I do, I do expect him to develop an eye for it.

And because I'm sweet like that, I will refrain from bidding on your wreath, even though I totally love it.

Lotta said...

Crabcake - True love of kitsh is an innate ability. Can't be taught.

Thanks for keeping away from my ebay turf. All's fair in ebay bidding I'm afraid.

HeatherinBeautifulBritishColumbia said...

Thanks for lightening up this "oh, so stressful season" with your great sense of humour.

I LOVE TACKY!!!! I lived in Texas for a year and a half and discovered "tacky texas" much to my delight - my favourite had to be the "big ol' trucks" with the christmas lights on top of the cab and the wreaths on the grill.... Tacky is a good thing :)

Red Rollerskate said...

Hmmm... I *also* have conversations with my mom in my head. Is this normal??

lildb said...

god, L, if I lived near you I would come over daily and worship at your slipper-clad, xanax-intoxicated feet.

you are so fucking fabulous.

sorry to drop the f-bomb but it had to be done.

Lotta said...

Red - Yes! Normal as all hell.

Lild - Right back at ya!

Gretchen said...

Have you considered an 'antique' store? I bet you could find some doozy decorations there.

Just last year I embraced colored lights. But only on one tree. It's the tree I let the kids decorate - with their ornaments.

Jenny said...

My mom has that wreath. Seriously.

And I adore it.

She's making another one for my sister so we don't fight over it when she's gone.

Heather said...

You know what they say....." One man's trash is another man's treasure". However, I would be frightened to meet the man that treasured that plaque! Ebay....they just have something for everyone! I may have to sell one of my children if I do not find a way to contain my obsession. Love the wreath!

wolfmom2ac said...

I would buy that wreath for you just so I could see the look on your mother's face!!! My side hurt from laughing girlfriend!! I really think I need that plaque!1 It would look so good in my house, not!!!
My oldest and I love the "Don't be that guy" videos!!
Keep taking those drugs and christmas will just fly by with good cheer!! I can say this because I too take drugs effexor!! Oh Happy days!!