WhiteStrip Redux

I'm pretty sure I owe you all a Crest White Strips Story, so here goes. I like white teeth. Really white teeth. I want my teeth to shine like glow in the dark stars under a black light. I'm paranoid that my smile looks like Indian Corn so I constantly buy whitening toothpaste and mouthwash.

But here's the rub. I puke whenever I get any type of dental procedure. Out and out upchuck. Have since I was a kid. The last dentist I was at was rather overconfident. He kept saying, "Just breathe your nose, through your nose." and a bit more urgently as he saw my eyes water, "Through your NOSE! NOSE!". Nope. Didn't work. Did I mention that I change dentists A LOT.

I can brush my teeth without incident, except when I was pregnant and couldn't do it without vomiting. It became a ritual. Brush and hurl. Brush and hurl. We got pretty nonchalant about it.

Me: (brushing my teeth) "What time are you (gag) gonna (gack) be home tonight?"

Husband: "Oooh, around 7pm. Hey you got some on the floor."

Me: "Got (gack) it!"

Needless to say I have a great jealousy for people who can do those at home whitening treatments. I buy them, bring them home and stare at them. Eventually, they become displayed on the bathroom shelf. As if just having them out will make people think approvingly, "Oh, she whitens. Nice.". But inevitably I chicken out and give them to my husband. He's done everything from whitening pens to that strange procedure where you clamp down on a glowing blue light while clenching a gel filled retainer between your teeth. Gag.

Did I mention that I recently got some Xanax? Cause I did. And it's good. It made me think that if I took the Xanax and THEN did the Whitestrips I would have no problem. It's all groovy whitening then man. So I ate a chicken salad sandwich for dinner, brushed my teeth and took a deep breath. Since the commercials always show active teeth whiteners driving their cars or putting on their makeup I figured I would come down and play on the computer. Lord knows I can kill a couple hours and have it feel like a couple of minutes when I'm online. Maybe I could leave this shit on for an hour and just bypass the whole 14 days the label talked about.

Full of confidence, I applied the strips and ran down to the office. I turned on the computer, sat down and totally upchucked. I frantically jumped up, throwing up all the while, and clawed at my mouth to get off the offending strips. Off! Sigh. Oh no! The residue, the residue! I'm now throwing up and attempting to wipe the Whitestrip residue off of my teeth with my shirt. The office has been hit with a chicken salad vomitbomb and I'm panting and sitting on the floor when my husband walks in. "I told you that you shouldn't do it man.", he says while flashing me a gleaming white smile. Sonofabitch. But, I did marry him for a reason as he took pity on my dry heaves and cleaned up the office while I went upstairs to brush my teeth again.

I'm thinking of asking my psychiatrist if he will give me a prescription for some Valium. Maybe I just wasn't dosing myself strongly enough with the Xanax before attempting the whitening procedure. If the Valium really works I could save up and hit one of those Zoom whitening centers. Wouldn't that be their lucky day?


Red Rollerskate said...

Wow, that sucks! Like being pregnant forever? Funny story, though.

PamKittyMorning said...

Interesting. I just want to ask a thousand questions about this. And more xanax doesn't help huh?

You tell a funny story, you keep cracking me up.

Lotta said...

PKM - a 1000? Wow. Email me!

Red - I don't always puke. Just at the dentist and when I do in home whitening procedures.

UPDATE: My husband is just fine. He get's taken care of once a year on his birthday and I breath through my nose ;) (KIDDING! But you know you thought it.)

Samantha said...

At least you wait to puke until the actual procedure! I puke right up until I KNOW I have to go! I hate the dentist! They're all evil!

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Aw Jeez. Xanax doesn't work for that?

I used to puke when I brushed my teeth while I was pregnant too...I understand.

Jenny said...

1. You aren't supposed to brush your teeth before you whiten. I read that somewhere.

2. I have the exact same problem. Except that for me it's the fact that I faint when I see blood, or doctors, or latex gloves. Seriously. And when I faint I go down hard. And I moan. Loudly. You'd be amazed how often I go down. Getting fitted for contact?. Passed out. Getting my hair colored? Fainted in the chair. Taking the cat to the vet? Whammy. Getting teeth cleaned at the dentist? Hmmm...what's that on your latex glo....thud.

We make quite a pair.

Lotta said...

Sam - Shudder.

Janet - Maybe I'm not taking enough?

Jenny - Get out! Sisters in anxiety.

Lotta said...

PS - It's kind of funny that you moan when you go down. But I wouldn't laugh if I was there. I would just pad your fall and you could hold my hair back later at the dentist.

Angelina said...

I have a terrible gag reflex too and every time I have to get a throat culture, go to the dentist, or try to swallow a vitamin fit for a horse I nearly vomit. I say "nearly" because the truth is that I have an unnatural fear of throwing up to accompany that gag reflex, so it actually takes an act of god to really let it out. So I dry heave and gag and choke and my eyes water and somehow, my stomach hangs onto whatever it has to offer.

I now warn all dental hygenists that I will most likely throw up on them when they take my x-rays. It used to really embarrass me, but now I kind of enjoy making them uncomfortable because they always stab me in the gums. I figure if I have to live in fear of them, the fear should be mutual.

Another thing? I really covet white teeth too but I'm afraid of those kits. Instead I buy leg waxing kits and store them like artifacts in my bathroom because I'm really scared to use them. I really covet a smooth bikini line but am scared to try waxing because I've seen my sister do it.

QueenieBadd said...

Wow. Maybe general anesthetic? At least then you could see if you have a sensitive reflex, or it's just mental.

butterfly girl said...

And I thought I hated the dentist.

Lotta said...

Angelina - I understand. First I need to see my cookie before I can Nair it (hence the MILF task force). "I figure if I have to live in fear of them, the fear should be mutual" is a great line!

Queen - $800! I would rather puke on the dentist then pay that.

Butterfly - Yup.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

You poor thing! Those strips are wretched, but I am with you on the yellow teeth thing! Not attractive! I don't vomit at the dentist, but I did cry like a baby 2 years ago when I had my first filling. Imagine, if you will, a 31 year old woman boo-hooing over the shot this man was about to put in my mouth. A shot, might I add, that DID NOT even hurt! I am such a ninny!

Here's to dentist issues! I did change after that experience. Hard to face people again after they had to hand you tissue, after tissue!

Jenny said...

"It's kind of funny that you moan when you go down."

Yeah...that's what he said.

Sorry. All this talk about gag reflexes has my mind in the gutter. Plus I'm a little drunk. Can't take me anywhere.

PS. I'm linking to you tomorrow. I'd tell you why but I'm a little too titpsy to type right now.

Dawn said...

Girlfriend I just don't know that to tell you!! I hd to have a root channel done I was crying like there was no tomorrow plus pucking up my guts!! Needless to say, I haven't been back!! Screw having glimming white teeth!! I'm sure your hubby doesn't mind!!

Stephanie said...

Yeah, I totally gagged my whole pregnancy every time I brushed my teeth.

And I'm beginning to see the need for a cyber-nurse of sorts for all of you and your anxiety and puking issues. Yep. Looks like I need to be passing out some cyber-Haldol over here.

And I'm allergic to Latex, so I'll be wearing polyurethane gloves as you line up for your injections. There, there, Jenny. It's okay.

calamity kim said...

I laughed so much I threw up!!!

Rhonda said...

LOL...funny! But sorry you can't whiten your teeth. Can you floss? If you dip the floss in hydrogen peroxide is has the same effect.

And P.S. You should let your dog assist you in these situations. I used to feel bad about it...like it was morally wrong...but now I am totally about having dogs to "clean up" puke for me.

Does that make you want to puke? ;)

Oh, The Joys said...

I had the EXACT same toothbrushing experience when pregnant (the cruel irony?! - what's the FIRST thing you want to do after you throw up? BRUSH YOUR FREAKIN' TEETH!!)

(BTW - near the end of my 2nd pregnancy, my dentist suggested a child's toothbrush and this solved the problem entirely.)

Also, Xanax? Hook ME up. "Gimme drugs." That is the KIND bud, friend.

Lotta said...

Rhonda - excellent tip!

OTJ - Come visit me in Chicago and we'll talk!

Sandy. said...

I just linked here through "Take a Picture It Lasts Longer" and about peed my pants. Love your humor, so I'll have to be back for more.

I so get the gag and vomit thing. I won't bore you with the gruesome details. Let me just say, it ain't pretty.