I'm pretty sure I owe you all a Crest White Strips Story, so here goes. I like white teeth. Really white teeth. I want my teeth to shine like glow in the dark stars under a black light. I'm paranoid that my smile looks like Indian Corn so I constantly buy whitening toothpaste and mouthwash.
But here's the rub. I puke whenever I get any type of dental procedure. Out and out upchuck. Have since I was a kid. The last dentist I was at was rather overconfident. He kept saying, "Just breathe your nose, through your nose." and a bit more urgently as he saw my eyes water, "Through your NOSE! NOSE!". Nope. Didn't work. Did I mention that I change dentists A LOT.
I can brush my teeth without incident, except when I was pregnant and couldn't do it without vomiting. It became a ritual. Brush and hurl. Brush and hurl. We got pretty nonchalant about it.
Me: (brushing my teeth) "What time are you (gag) gonna (gack) be home tonight?"
Husband: "Oooh, around 7pm. Hey you got some on the floor."
Me: "Got (gack) it!"
Needless to say I have a great jealousy for people who can do those at home whitening treatments. I buy them, bring them home and stare at them. Eventually, they become displayed on the bathroom shelf. As if just having them out will make people think approvingly, "Oh, she whitens. Nice.". But inevitably I chicken out and give them to my husband. He's done everything from whitening pens to that strange procedure where you clamp down on a glowing blue light while clenching a gel filled retainer between your teeth. Gag.
Did I mention that I recently got some Xanax? Cause I did. And it's good. It made me think that if I took the Xanax and THEN did the Whitestrips I would have no problem. It's all groovy whitening then man. So I ate a chicken salad sandwich for dinner, brushed my teeth and took a deep breath. Since the commercials always show active teeth whiteners driving their cars or putting on their makeup I figured I would come down and play on the computer. Lord knows I can kill a couple hours and have it feel like a couple of minutes when I'm online. Maybe I could leave this shit on for an hour and just bypass the whole 14 days the label talked about.
Full of confidence, I applied the strips and ran down to the office. I turned on the computer, sat down and totally upchucked. I frantically jumped up, throwing up all the while, and clawed at my mouth to get off the offending strips. Off! Sigh. Oh no! The residue, the residue! I'm now throwing up and attempting to wipe the Whitestrip residue off of my teeth with my shirt. The office has been hit with a chicken salad vomitbomb and I'm panting and sitting on the floor when my husband walks in. "I told you that you shouldn't do it man.", he says while flashing me a gleaming white smile. Sonofabitch. But, I did marry him for a reason as he took pity on my dry heaves and cleaned up the office while I went upstairs to brush my teeth again.
I'm thinking of asking my psychiatrist if he will give me a prescription for some Valium. Maybe I just wasn't dosing myself strongly enough with the Xanax before attempting the whitening procedure. If the Valium really works I could save up and hit one of those Zoom whitening centers. Wouldn't that be their lucky day?