Recipe for a crabass pie

1/2 cup skim milk
2 Diet Dr. Peppers
8 oz. Ice water
1 Freshly laundered outfit
1 Pantyliner

Restrict all foods for several days prior to starting this recipe. Begin with a fresh shower and blow dry. Add pantyliner and panties while hopping on one foot toward daughter who has gotten your Wellbutrin out of the diaper bag. Comfort injured son awkwardly and unsatisfactorily by patting his head since you are braless. Surrender all privacy by cloistering children in your bedroom while putting on bra and clothing so no bodily injury befalls them.

Be sure to drink the above listed beverages liberally all the while. Place sneakers on feet and walk towards the room that was sacrificed to the
Tasmanian toy devil so that you could shower. Bend over to pick up toy. SNEEZE. Urinate yourself thoroughly. Repeat.

18 comments:

M'Lynn said...

I feel for you and the peeing.

I had a c section, and I still pee when sneezing, coughing, etc. NO FAIR!

I'm gonna get a SAD light at Costco and bake. The word "EUPHORIA" was used a lot in the amazon reviews. I could do with some euphoria. Couldn't we all?

Lotta said...

What's a SAD light?

Thailand Gal said...

Lotta, a SAD light is a special wattage similar to sunlight, designed specifically for people with Seasonal Affective Disorder. It produces enough light to counteract it apparently.

Your story did make me laugh! I've never had children but have reached an age where... um... little accidents can happen when we least expect them. LOL


Peace,

~Chani

Little Monkies said...

I almost peed myself on that one. I also had an embarrassing incident the other night where I really had to pee and I laughed really hard in front of a couple of young (like 28) childless men and almost peed myself. Can you IMAGINE the horror if it had happened?

Rock ON with the Wellbutrin. Does it give you amazing orgasms? I had to really question whether or not I was going back on it because I was depressed or because I was missing the amazing operatic Os it inspires...

nikki said...

i just tinkled my pants laughing at this!

really though, i have brochitis and bronchitis + coughing=very wet pants.

Amanda said...

good lord...the urinating part about made ME pee my pants! Thanks for the comment about my blog name...glad ya like it...and thanks for adding me.

Jenifer said...

DAMN... I hate the SNEEZE/PEE cycle.

Lotta said...

I'm ignoring all the other comments so I can ask Amanda what dosage she was taking of Wellbutrin. Cause at 150mg I can assure you that is NOT a side effect.

Dysfunctional Housewife said...

Good Times, Good Times.. After having four babies, *I* might as well be the one wearing the diapers. And now that I have read the comments here..I think I may also check into getting an Rx for some Wellbutrin.. ::wink::

karrie said...

m'lynn: ditto. But my Costco lightbox does really make me feel much better about soiling myself. :)

(Seriously. Money well spent!)

Julie Pippert said...

(much very sympathetic oh-who-am-I-kidding empathetic laughter)

Milk? With Dr. Pepper? And water?

My timbers just shivered, Laverne. ;)

Little Monkies said...

Lotta, it was me (floosen at Little Monkies) that mentioned the wellbutrin. I'm on 150mg, but I have found that the big O doesn't happen as intensely with the Wellbutrin XL. That mostly happened when I was on the twice a day. I think I'm going back to that as I am not getting the same MOJO side effect from the one dose daily gig.

There's lots of stuff on the web about how consumers have been encouraging the manufacturers to sell it as a sex enhancer for women.

Stephanie said...

Oi!! Poor mommy!!

Bethany's only 7 months old, so I'm still in the stage of having to hold her (many times) while I pee.

Yeah, my day's comin'; pass the Wellbutrin!

Or I could pass out Haldol for all of us over at Mama Drama again!

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Have you been spying on me again?

Oh, The Joys said...

I think I'm going to rename my blog, "Oh, The Incontinence..."

Sandy. said...

Okay, I get it all except for the skim milk. How the hell does that fit in the equation?

Sandy.

Girl In Her Underwear said...

Ha ha!!! Too funny!

Lotta said...

If someone told me that I would be pissing the floor for YEARS after giving birth I might have prepared better. Been more likely to do those Kegels that they kept selling as "sexual enhancement excercises" in my class but were really "don't pee your pants enhancement excercises.