NSFW: Poop Stories

A comment I left on Jenny's blog came to mind as I was drifting off to sleep last night. I forget the context, but it was something about baby poop. I said that when son was little he used to shituptheback almost every night. Taking him out of the swaddling blanket to change him was like unwrapping a little poop burrito. At times we would have to cut him out of his cotton sleepsacks since there was no humane way to pull it over his head. As I chuckled to myself I realized that daughter has given us no poop stories. None!

Son was legendary for his crap encounters however. One early morning I was up breastfeeding baby son and weeping. That flat out exhausted cry of new mothers. Husband got up to keep me company and then offered to change son after I was done. As I watched, husband remove son's diaper and we were then stunned by a rapid fire poop. Bam Bam Bam. It flew out of his behind, across the room and into the painted white doorjam. We looked at each other, stunned. Then Bam Bam Bam he did it again! We ended up laughing hysterically as we Q-tipped poop out of the doorjams with bleach as the sun came up.


When son was 3 months old we went to Mexico for a vacation. In retrospect it was an insane move. I think the rational was that after preeclampsia, near 20 hours of labor (with a failed epidural) and some forgotten placenta I felt like I really needed a Pina Colada. It was an all inclusive family resort (with a doctor on staff) so we packed up the gang and took off.

Husband and I would find a pair of chairs under a big umbrella and put son between us in a little bouncer chair with mosquito netting. He would gurgle happily while we relaxed. When the day started to get warm husband or I would take son up to the room to nap till dinnertime. It was a lovely routine. But one day husband decided that rather than go directly up for a nap he would go hang gliding. Brilliant! Son and I would proudly watch from our spot on the patio. Up, up and away he went. Bam Bam Bam went son. Uh-oh. Bam Bam Bam. I looked down and saw that the shit had exploded out of his diapers up and around all sides of him so it looked as though I had lain him down (near naked) in a bed of poop. Crap, the room keys were in husband's pockets. In the air! Much to the other patron's horror, I desperately tried to wash son off in the cramped pool bathroom till husband came back down to earth. We laid low for the rest of the trip.

How about you? Any good poop stories?


16 comments:

Little Monkies said...

I am sitting in a library and almost wet myself reading this one.

Katrina said...

LOL...my son was a poop machine also!
I have almost the same story. I was up during the night breastfeeding when DS filled his diaper. I decided to change him quickly before he finished eating, hoping he'd go back to sleep. I laid him down on my bed, lowered his diaper...and he totally redecorated our bedroom wall, window and side table! Thank goodness I wasn't standing in front of him! I started cussing and crying.

Hubby got out of bed, grabbed a bucket full of bleach water and started scrubbing. Such a sweetie! All I could do was sit and cry while he cleaned.

Thankfully our little miss hasn't tried redecorating...yet!

Julie Pippert said...

Oh many but I induced some selective amnesia so they seem to be missing detail. Patience was either, as you put it, shituptheback or constipated. The former a result of the latter being treated. If you get the drift. A week's worth is a lot. Persistence does a little often. I'd rather hit somewhere in between. I'm tired of poop, actually. I'm ready for it not to be a daily thought, LOL.

Mamma said...

Oh more than space would allow me to share!!

One particular favorite was when one minute I had a wee one in my lap happily gurgling away and the next I had a lap (only undies on myself) full of poop. Nice watery breast-fed baby poop. It had to have been the third son since I think I just laughed.

mommiebear2 said...

OMG- You are soooo funny! I cant even think of a poop story that would top that.

Anonymous said...

Everyone told us to use sleeping gowns for our infant. We swaddled, so I usually just put her in a side-snap t-shirt and the 2 swaddling blankets. One night I decided to give the gown a try. When she woke in the middle of the night to feed, she had poop out the back of her diaper and all over theback of the gown. I couldn't figure out how to get the gown over her head without smearing poop all over her. Needless to say, I never used the sleeping gowns again.

One time my baby hadn't pooped in a day, which was unusual because she usually pooped with every feeding. The nurse said to gently put the thermometer in her rectum and that should stimulate a movement. Lucky for me my mother was there and I asked her to use the thermometer while I held her in place. Well, stimulate it did! Poop shot out all over my mom. I had to try so hard not to laugh. In the end we realized she wasn't constipated, just having normal fluctuations. But boy was that funny! (My mom didn't think so.)

Monkey Butt's Mom said...

I have lived in a sea of poop for the last week. Just tonight I gave the boy a bath, lifted him from the tub and BAM! SHIT EVERYWHERE. It's starting to lose its humour.

Jenny said...

Oh I remember that comment! It was the first time I had to censor you! Plus I laughed so hard I almost had an accident myself.

Aw...those were golden magical days. :)

I don't have a lot of poop stories but god, I could fill a hefty trash bag with baby vomit stories.

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Baby poop. SF pooped in my hospital bed...all over it when she was less than a day old. I couldn't get up and the nurse had to change her poop in MY bed. I got yelled at by the nurse for that one.

christel said...

We had a baby shower at DH's office several months after my preemie twins came home. I went to change a wet diaper off to the side of the "guest of honor" table, and being the multiples freak show that we are, at least 4 people came with me. So, I'm kneeling on the floor in front of babyA and she projectile poops a pile in my kneeling lap! I lost my entourage at that point.

Stephanie said...

Jenny will remember this, because I have vague memories of either calling her or emailing her for help.

Bethany went to daycare when she was 7 weeks old because I had to go back to work. We were also still in the process of working out the food issue and had just switched her to soy formula.

You guessed it: she got one of those daycare tummy bugs. In the middle of the night. I had just fed her and placed her back in the bassinet, and then I heard the little "splat" noise coming from her. Jenny called it the "poopsplosions."

Yep. Pretty accurate description. I cleaned poop and washed baby sheets and blankets for the next 48 hours. I don't remember sleeping during that time.

Jenny, how the HAYELL did I get through that? Did you feed me beergaritas?

MamaLee said...

OMG, I laughed out loud reading your post. In fact, my 4 year daughter wanted me to play that video for her!

I gotta say, out of 3 kids, it was my son, my first born, who had the projectile poopage. It was quite the experience for my husband and I, him being our first baby. I think I was just amazed and impressed that poop could shoot that far and with such rapid fire accuracy.

Thanks again for sharing your poop story. I don't think I can top it!

Attila The Mom said...

Oh geez---poop burritos!

I had an old case filled with large tubes of Mary Kay samples from back when my step-mom was a representative.

My big guy was in the crawling stage and found his way into our bedroom closet. Unbenownst to me, he had gotten in the case, made a bit of a mess and his dad cleaned it all up and neglected to mention it.

The next day I opened Kid's diapers and screamed----red poop with big chunks of red stuff. I thought he was bleeding to death!

Apparently he'd eaten an entire tube of very very red lipstick. eek

nikki said...

Any other mom here have to do the "search to make sure the penny passed through" bit?

(raises hand)

Always makes for an entertaining evening if you ask me.

Lotta said...

lil monkies - See my post "All Wet" for some incontinence tips.

Katrina - Oh my gosh! Nice hubby!

Julie - Oh constipation. I recall the "Has he pooped?" conversations.

Anon - Poop shot at your mom!

MB - Ugh. Pooping in the tub is an entirely different category of gross. Especially, if there is still water in the tub. Gag.

Jenny - (censored) Bring on the vomit stories!

Janet - Thank God they bleach those hospital sheets eh?

Christel - My dad freaks out anytime the baby "fills her pamper". He can't take the smell.

Stephanie - Oh been there! Son had crap streaming down his legs every day for a week. It was the worst. Nothing would contain it! I feel your pain!

Mama - Always happy when I make someone laugh! It is amazing what little cannons their hinders are!

Atillia - My best friend Alicia was taken to the ER when she started throwing up red puke. Her friends were convinced that she was hurling blood. After undergoing a full rectal exam she realized that she had drank a bottle of Crystal Light earlier. Ugh.

Nikki - No, not yet....

Anonymous said...

My daughter has pooped in the tub too! Gotta start the bath over again. Its better when its a log and not soft.

One funny poop story I had completely forgotten about (and I'm so bad about writing down my "milestones"). When our daughter was just crawling, I let her air out for a little while before putting on her diaper and PJ's. I was all the way across the living room when she started down the hallway. She stopped for a second on the area rug, pooped a log, and kept on crawling. My husband was on the phone and we were both so stunned that we were frozen. We laughed pretty hard about that one!

Oh, and I bet with the new baby my mom never volunteers to put the thermometer up the butt again!