Apples and Feces: A true story

We swung by the Jewel Osco on our way home from the park today to pick up a bag of apples and some milk. Apples are a staple in this house as they are just about the only fiber daughter will eat. And having gone through the births of two of her poo-children this past month I'll make sure apples are in our house all the damn time.

As I stand in line to pay for our goods I'm checking out the groceries of the persons in front of and behind me. (You know you do it too.) The person ahead of me is buying the usual stuff, but the person behind me has a cart chock full of lean cuisines, spinach and other diet like items. So of course, I scoped out my fellow fat fighter. She was not a friend in arms. Skinny, blonde and about 23 years old, I was on the front lines of the fat war and she was still in basic training. I smiled when we made eye contact and got no response. No worries, I know how it is. I once thought I would NEVAH be a pudgy mom with dirty faced kids, and yet voila!


I'm just about to pay for the food when son starts yelling "Mom, mom my butt itches so bad!!!" He's got his hands down the back of his pants and he's digging away. "Dude, that's so gross - get your hands out of your pants!" Which he does, and then proceeds to examine his digger finger. Gag. I'm wet wipping the heck out of him and avoiding eye contact with the surrounding customers. "But it itches soooo bad. I think I have dried poo! I need a bath!" The older cashier is smiling knowingly and the blonde behind me looks ready to hurl up her Slim Fast.


At the car, loading in groceries I see what looks like a potentially crazy old lady approaching the cart with a big smile. I'm readying myself to swoop up daughter when the woman asks "Are you heading towards 31st street? Can you give me a ride?" No can do. Then I recognize this woman, she's the Riverside Shitter! She wears all black and wonky berets with lipstick smeared outside the lines. From far away she looks like an eccentric art teacher. Up close and downwind she smells of feces and has a wild eyed stare. She's known for entering bathrooms and smearing her poop all around the walls. I know this because when I worked as a manager at the Chew Chew Cafe in Riverside I was forced to try and talk a $2 an hour busboy into cleaning up the bathroom after she fecal bombed it.

As I'm bringing the cart to the coral (I'm nice like that) I see the Riverside Shitter approaching...skinny blonde woman! And the blonde girl opens her door to give R.S. a ride in her clean and shiny SUV. My evil self is of course thrilled at this and so I give them both a big smiley wave! The blonde ignores me once again. Tra la la. Karma.

15 comments:

jakelliesmom said...

I'm always curious about the folks at the store who have a huge jug of generic VODKA, some Peeps and a couple of cans of cat food. Had those been the selections of skinny blonde, you'd know she'd have a good story for the ride with R.S.

Hilarious.

PamKittyMorning said...

HA HA HA HILARIOUS. I so totally love this story. LOVE. IT.

Little Monkies said...

The story about the R.S. gave me the SHIVERS, Lotta. CREEPY! CREEPY!

I am so with jakelliesmom on her take, though.

Glad you're back, hope waterworld was a blast.

mommiebear2 said...

Okay that was too funny! And here I was thinking my two munchkins were the only ones who chose to dig in their butts or noses in public.

Oh, The Joys said...

Hilarious! and the JUSTICE! We sacrifice our youth and beauty for WISDOM!!

jo! said...

karma rocks.

karrie said...

Such a perfect ending!

Wendy said...

I want to hang out with you, seriously. My days are so boring and yours are chockful of crazy shit (couldnt resist).

Even though, I laugh and laugh at whatever comes out of your son's mouth, I pray everynight that my son is nothing like him. I am sorry but the image in mind of him digging at his butt in the line is of Beavis digging at his privates while making fast food hamburgers.

Thanks for the laugh.

Lotta said...

Wendy - back at ya! My boy is actually a sweet and super polite dude. But a dude he is and a fascination with poop and butts is part of all that is boy. Just you wait missy!

Vali said...

Eww the RS lady sounds so scary. Weird.

Angelina said...

Don't you just meet the best people working in cafes? Ah, those were the days.

I totally check out other people's groceries. I also always wonder what people think when they look at mine. Lots of beer, bags of goldfish, and enormous hunks of cheese. Wholesome, eh?

That was very entertaining.

Nikki said...

My entire food selection revolves around what people will think of me when they see it on the conveyer belt.

I am SOOO grossed out by fecal situations that 1) if I were that $2/hr busperson I would have died right there and, 2) in that grocery store I would have said to my son: "Honey, are you lost? Where is your mama?".

Thanks for the laugh!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

That is so disturbing, yet helarious on SO many levels!

The Riverside Sh*tter? I had no idea that such people existed!

I am so curious as to what pleasure she derives from fecal painting?

Jenny said...

*snort*

Brilliance...in every line.

PS. The Riverside Shitter is the best name for a serial killer ever. If I ever decide to be one I'm going to leave notes with my name all over then so that TV announcers have to say "Riverside Shitter" on the national news.

Super B's Mom said...

Delurking to say that is freakin hilarious. I have the most awesome visual of you standing in the parking lot (with your son nearby sniffing his finger) and waving at the evil skinny who is now transporting a human stinkbomb.

That is GOOD.STUFF.

And now I know that my son isn't the only one who anounces "ITCHY BUTT" in public. Nothing like turning around in Wal-Mart to find B elbow deep in his Carhartts.