We swung by the Jewel Osco on our way home from the park today to pick up a bag of apples and some milk. Apples are a staple in this house as they are just about the only fiber daughter will eat. And having gone through the births of two of her poo-children this past month I'll make sure apples are in our house all the damn time.
As I stand in line to pay for our goods I'm checking out the groceries of the persons in front of and behind me. (You know you do it too.) The person ahead of me is buying the usual stuff, but the person behind me has a cart chock full of lean cuisines, spinach and other diet like items. So of course, I scoped out my fellow fat fighter. She was not a friend in arms. Skinny, blonde and about 23 years old, I was on the front lines of the fat war and she was still in basic training. I smiled when we made eye contact and got no response. No worries, I know how it is. I once thought I would NEVAH be a pudgy mom with dirty faced kids, and yet voila!
I'm just about to pay for the food when son starts yelling "Mom, mom my butt itches so bad!!!" He's got his hands down the back of his pants and he's digging away. "Dude, that's so gross - get your hands out of your pants!" Which he does, and then proceeds to examine his digger finger. Gag. I'm wet wipping the heck out of him and avoiding eye contact with the surrounding customers. "But it itches soooo bad. I think I have dried poo! I need a bath!" The older cashier is smiling knowingly and the blonde behind me looks ready to hurl up her Slim Fast.
At the car, loading in groceries I see what looks like a potentially crazy old lady approaching the cart with a big smile. I'm readying myself to swoop up daughter when the woman asks "Are you heading towards 31st street? Can you give me a ride?" No can do. Then I recognize this woman, she's the Riverside Shitter! She wears all black and wonky berets with lipstick smeared outside the lines. From far away she looks like an eccentric art teacher. Up close and downwind she smells of feces and has a wild eyed stare. She's known for entering bathrooms and smearing her poop all around the walls. I know this because when I worked as a manager at the Chew Chew Cafe in Riverside I was forced to try and talk a $2 an hour busboy into cleaning up the bathroom after she fecal bombed it.
As I'm bringing the cart to the coral (I'm nice like that) I see the Riverside Shitter approaching...skinny blonde woman! And the blonde girl opens her door to give R.S. a ride in her clean and shiny SUV. My evil self is of course thrilled at this and so I give them both a big smiley wave! The blonde ignores me once again. Tra la la. Karma.