Me: Hi! Can you tell me where your swimsuits are?
Salesclerk: (Pointing to rows and rows of tasteful, cute swimsuits.)
Me: Riiiight. I'm a plus sized.
Salesclerk: Oh, my apologies. Right over there then. (Pointing to one lone rack with 2 size 18W suits with loud hibiscus flowers hanging from it.)
Me: Thanks then!
Husband: What's wrong with this suit?
Me: Nothing if you don't mind zero titty support.
Husband: I don't mind.
Me: Puh-lease, my knockers would be slamming into the person next to me if I took a swift right pivot.
At Lands End Outlet
Me: Wow a cute bottom! Size 22W! Fantastic! And the top, so simple, so supportive! This rocks!
Girlfriend: Fantastic, buy it now!
Me: (Looking at price tag) You don't think the kids would mind that I spent the grocery money this week do you? I mean all they really want is peanut butter anyways.
Girlfriend: Sure, just make them suck on a lime now and again so they don't get rickets.