True Story: I Was Almost Killed By Club Soda Today

I'm walking down the exit hallway at Jewel/Osco after buying my groceries. When a woman in the soda pop aisle - far, far away, drops a 2 liter bottle of Club Soda.

I suddenly I see something flying in the air towards me - I duck and cover. The soda she dropped had instantly combusted and was propelled into the air like a rocket. Flying through an entire aisle and straight towards Jewel's plate glass windows. It misses my temple by INCHES and slams into the window exploding soda over everyone nearby.

Everyone in the checkout aisles hit the deck (truly) thinking it was a gunshot. And the poor woman runs over to me to make sure I'm OK and apologizes. I try to tell her it's all good but I can't stop laughing. I'm pissing myself. Because I'm imagining that she killed me and now for the rest of her life she is going to have the burden of knowing she KO'ed someone with her Club Soda. Death by club soda.

I love these kind of days. They make life so much more interesting.

Then I came home and found that the awesome Karry nominated me for Best Humor Blog. Thanks lady!

Then son said to make up for throwing the bucket of water on me he was going to buy me a TV with flowers all over it "So you can bring it in your office and watch Oprah whenever you want." Aw shucks. Totally made the soda assassination worth it.

Update: Son better come up with something good to make up for PEEING IN THE BATHROOM GARBAGE CAN! Just found that present.

21 comments:

Tilly said...

Just think what the inscription on your tombstone would say!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Thank goodness you lived to tell the tale! Where else can I get my daily dose of conversations about "ass breath"? I simply could not function without it!

Hee-hee

Congrats on the nomination! I'm going to vote for you!

mommiebear2 said...

WTH? Did she throw it at you??

Leeanthro said...

I'm having difficulty with bladder control these days (should I be doing Kegel's?). I nearly peed myself just reading it and I definitely would have peed my pants had I been there.

Glad it was a *near* miss!

Lotta said...

Tilly - It would be hilarious.

Queen - True friend!

Mommie - Maybe I should edit the post to include the carbonation acting as a rocket.

Lee - Me too!!! And nah. Just buy some good pantyliners.

Southern Fried Mom said...

I'm so glad you lived!!! I nominated you for an award, too. Check it out at Grits with Cheese.

Marmite Breath or Nat (Don't call me Natalie). said...

Aw, hells yeah, that would have been hilarious.

Here lies Lotta. Killed by Club Soda. We hardly knew ye, darlin'.

Except the Internets would have been very boring without you, so perhaps not so much with the funny.

Jenny said...

You got my vote, chica. I got a nom myself (she says blushingly). I have a whopping 3 votes in best parenting blog. Ah well, someone's got to bring up the rear, right?

PS. I'm glad you didn't die in a club soda related accident but at least there wouldn't have been any blood stains, right?

Sorry...awful joke.

Lotta said...

SFM - I can't take all the love man! I'm heading over there as soon as I post this comment.

Marmite - Thanks, missed ya! Glad you came on by!

Jenny - Snort. Too funny with the club soda joke. This is why YOU are the comedy genius. I didn't even think of that.

Vali said...

LMAO.

Little Monkies said...

Peeing in the bathroom garbage can. Well done, lad, well done.

jakelliesmom said...

This club soda incident reminds me of the scene in "Defending Your Life" where Meryl Streep talks about how she died - drowning after tripping over a lounge chair, and she's upset about it because she was a really good swimmer!

Thank goodness your tragedy was averted, and you wouldn't have to be explaining your demise at whatever your version of the other side is. Seriously. Because you'd just be mad at hubby for being sick and sending you out for Nyquil.

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

it's better than that urban legend of being killed with a can of pop-n-fresh biscuits, I would think!

And congrats on the nom! I will properly go vote now.

sillychick said...

Great...now I'll spend the better part of my day thinking up some awesome inscription.

Oh, and you really haven't lived until you find out that your son has peed in the heating vent in his room. For weeks, I wandered around wondering, "Where in the hell is that smell coming from?"

Turns out that alot of boys do this. Marking their territory or just blatant stupidness, I'm unsure of why.

Betsy Wasser said...

Bwahahaha!

Julie Pippert said...

Because you are okay...that was freaking LOL hilarious!

Bitterbetty said...

No way! The best near death experiences always happen to the funniest people. Which make Karry totally right on... and A son who would give you flower covered Oprah in your office should be smothered in smootches.. despite an obvious previous total lack of judgement.

Domestic Chicky said...

MUST.CHANGE.UNDIES.

Amanda said...

Peeing in the garbage can...I suspect that it is only a matter of time before mine try that :) Glad you're still alive!

Michelle said...

you can only vote ONCE for the blogger choice awards! too bad, lotta, we laugh at (excuse, WITH) you every day!

Anonymous said...

when my oldest nephew was little--3-4--he used to pee on one of his big sister's big stuffed teddy bears (one of her favorites). he also peed through this little hole in a plastic baby cradle and it would get all nasty-smelling and disgusting before someone realized what was sloshing around in there. he caught the dickens from his parents, but it didn't seem to deter him much. he eventually outgrew it, but boy, did it suck until he did.