Why ADD is bad for your sexual fantasies

(Cue porno music)

Ok, I'm with (insert hot man) and I'm wearing a yellow shirt. No, yellow makes me look washed out - how about blue. Blues good. I like blue. Where was I? I'm kissing the fantasy man on the couch. No cause then my thighs would be all spread out, how about against a car. Nope that's not right. We'll go with couch. Am I on the right or the left? What color was I wearing again? Ok, I'm going to pretend I had plastic surgery and my boobs are now both the same size. But it was a super special new kind of surgery so I don't have silicone. Ok, so I'm back with hot guy and I'm wearing a blue shirt with good boobs and we are on the car, no the couch. Is it night or day? Maybe I should make chicken salad tomorrow? Is Mayo allowed on Atkins?

18 comments:

Little Monkies said...

Woman, you are like Erma Bombeck for the 00s. (And, I might add, that is the biggest compliment in my book--she's the woman that kept my mom sane and laughing while living with 4 kids).

Lotta said...

That is a HUGE compliment. I loved reading my mom's Erma books!

Wendy said...

Ha!Ha! You so funny.

Marmite Breath said...

Get OUT OF MY HEAD! I must have ADD!

mommiebear2 said...

LOL!

Little Monkies said...

We *so* need a new Erma...hey...I think there's a book in the makin' for you, Lotta!

Karen Forest said...

You crack me up.

I can SO see myself in you.

Sucks when it infiltrates your sex life, huh?

Kelly said...

That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Perhaps the Atkins his infiltrated your brain! Is it time for some bread?lol

Little Monkies said...

P.S. (god, can you tell I'm avoiding my work today?) How goes it with the Wellbutrin and the adventure towards the big O?

Lotta said...

Wendy & Mommie - Thanks!

Marmite - Glad you came by! If I was really honest, this would have been an even longer fantasy ramble about being abducted by aliens who gave me a physical makeover and then being deposited back on earth to find hot guy.

LM - It's a dream of mine to write a book someday. I just don't know on what. I figure the blog is good writing practice till I can take a fiction writing class.

Karen - And how. Another reason that taking Xanax before bed helps things along. It makes your brain relaaaax.

Kelly - I wish. Though I did opt for "crispy" chicken on my McDonald's salad today.

LM - Sex life is MUCH improved these days. The increased Wellbutrin helped a ton. But the real cinchers...

1.) Accepting that being on meds has required some battery power to be involved if I want to have a big O. So bringing the C batteries into the entire engagement.

2.) Baby Oragel - I swear to God this rocks my world. But Baby Oragel and a couple of beers (drunk by him) makes for a bored Lotta. Too long. Otherwise, just right.

Little Monkies said...

Lotta, who needs fiction when life itself is so, um, colorful? I say you just do clips from the blog and kick it up with some good graphics. You'll make a fortune.

I gotta get on that battery thing...

Worker Mommy said...

Ok, now this is just funny !

Oh, The Joys said...

You are on an off the charts funny ROLL lately, friend!!

Lotta said...

LM - How would I organize the chapters? Maybe I'll have to dig up some old Erma books and see how she did it. Get thee to an adult novelty store.

OTJ - Thanks! Big compliment coming from the lady who is funny all the dang time!

Vali said...

LOL. And fyi, I was reading a diet article on Yahoo yesterday that chicken salad is a no-no, because of the mayo. Mayo in general, I believe, is a gigantic no-no. Just so ya know. :D

Queen of the Mayhem said...

That is so funny! What is worse, is when you are trying to spend some quality time with your REAL man and your mind is running like this!


My shirt came in! CUTE! I will post a pic later!

Paige said...

Why write fiction? Get yourself a column and go from there.

Your stuff is hilarious.

Lotta said...

Paige - How do I do that?