Letter to Condom Manufacters

Dear Love Sock Makers;

I just want to start out by saying I totally appreciate what you do. Keeping the millions of
spermatozoa at bay so I don't have to go through another round of labor and delivery automatically puts you at the top of my list. And I totally get that YOU are trying to get ME. The ribbed for her pleasure and all that. But honestly, after having two kids I'm not really sensitive (ahem) enough to appreciate those manufacturing subtleties. Recently you stepped it up and created a condom with a vibrating ring. High five! Though I must say it's a bit of "psyche" if you know what I'm saying. I mean, it's there, it's not there, it's there, it's not there. But you're trying and that makes me proud.

However, I have a new product suggestion. Can you make a condom that doesn't make the air smell like ass and new blacktop post coital? Seriously, run with it. Partner up with Febreeze or better yet Yankee Candle Company and get me some cock socks that actually freshen the air with the smell of Country Linen or Clean Cotton. You could even introduce different fragrances for the holidays! Who doesn't appreciate the scent of Grandma's Sugar Cookies as they drift off to sleep? I know I do. And let's be honest, I think women would be far more open to sex if they knew that their bedroom linens and air would be freshened up with the scent of Orange Citrus after an afternoon quickie.

No need to thank me, though a box of samples would be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Tanya

29 comments:

mommiebear2 said...

And I thought I was the only one!?!?!? I am usually always "what the hell is that smell?"

Little Monkies said...

So.true.

Little Monkies said...

P.S. How about something fresh, like apple?

Oh, The Joys said...

Amen.

(At LEAST they could go for cigarettes. That would be poetic.)

Terri@SteelMagnolia said...

Oh. My. Heck.

That is funny.

judi said...

You're a dork, Lotta....... but a dork with ingenious ideas! I vote for a men's cologne smell. Something like you'd think Magnum P.I. would smell like after a shower.

That.... would get my man laid waaaaayyyy more often. Yup, that's it. Mmmmm...... Thomas Magnum Magnums! Sha-Zam!

Big Pissy said...

*LOL*

Funny funny funny! :)

p.s. I loves me some Yankee Candles! ;-)

Karly said...

What?! Vibrating condoms? Where the hell have I been?? And where can I get me some of those?

Lotta said...

Mommieb and LM - I think it would sell! Apple indeed!

OTJ - ? Do you mean the condoms would be ciggy scented?

Terry - Thanks

Judy - Magnum PI? And I'm a dork?

BP - Thanks1

Karlly - I should have been more specific - check the post I updated with a link so you can get some for yourself!

elle said...

Hah! You are on today. I vote for sugar cookies. No wait! Chocolate! That is the scent I want wafting from my sheets post-nasty. Hell, they should make chocolate scented cologne for men. My husband would never make it out of the house.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I am laughing so hard!! I HATE condoms. I do. HATE HATE HATE them.

Jen said...

stop.my.sides.hurt....

I could just imagine people giving people a tour of my house and then we get to my bedroom...

"What is that delicious smell...is it Honeysuckle????"

ummm yeah...I am trying a new scent...

thank god for the big snip and a hubby who wasn't afraid to do it (of course after a year of dealing with twins he was about ready to do it himself if he needed to)

Mamma said...

You're so freakin' funny!

The smell all the way around--I hate the whiff when you first open the package too, though I'm usually distracted enough to ignore it.

Mitzi Green said...

you are officially my new hero.

Betsy Wasser said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Worker Mommy said...

I so hope they listen to you.

Trojan reads your blog, right ?

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Sugar Cookie condoms!!!...I may even give a BJ with those...hee hee

Slackermommy said...

You kill me girl! This is the first place I visit when I need a laugh.

Lotta said...

I love comments. You guys make ME crack up all the damn day long!

Bon said...

amen, amen!

thanks for the morning snort. i am now going to spend my day trying to imagine which scent would get both me & the hunnybunny in the mood...

maybe thai food condoms? though the spicy burn might not be appreciated...

Gretchen said...

Just what I needed to read this morning!

Thanks for the laugh!

Jennifer Playgroupie said...

Here via Plain Jane Mom.

Oh my, that was funny! Must find the vibrating condom. Genius idea about the smell. I'd like for them to smell like clean laundry. Does that make me weird?

Leeanthro said...

"Cock socks"

That made me laugh out loud!!!

Just got my tubes tied. No more birth control or kids. Yippee!!! What more could a girl ask for? (I detest condoms!)

Mona said...

Funny, funny.

I wish they would make condoms that didn't stain the bed afterward and make it look like you had been frying bacon on your sheets. Just a thought.

Tammy said...

SOOOOOOO Hilarious - AND true! Thanks for the laugh!

Blacktop and ass.....HA! HA! HA!

Cate said...

My first time here, and I almost pee'd myself! Ha! Thanks for the laugh...I think I'll be coming back!

Paige said...

It's a gift, the way you so hilariously capture little -- but very important -- things like this.

Andie said...

thanks for the laugh! you always manage to make me laugh when I'm having a long day!

Anonymous said...

haha that's Great!!!