Not This Month Dear

This post is for Mama Loves because she said that mommy bloggers never write about sex.

I just showered with my new Clean Cotton scented shower gel from Bath & Body works. Sudsing off layers of sweat, boogers (not my own) and urine (ok some of that is mine). I'm fresh and clean and oh fuck husband wants to get busy. I love husband but I want to enjoy the feeling of not being covered with other people's bodily fluids for awhile. Plus lately, I'm just not feeling it. Normally, I'm all "Put this baseball cap on and pretend you're the pizza delivery guy, kay?" but the past few weeks I've just lost my sex mojo.

Husband isn't helping the situation much either. A few days ago he came home from work, changed into grungy clothes and began installing our new kitchen cabinets. As I walked by I noted that he smelled particularly "spicy". This isn't really odd since I'm known for smelling his undershirts and guessing where he went for lunch. It's a talent. He confessed that he was sweat'n like mad all day as he was out at a job site in the 100 degree weather. A few hours later he walks up to me and makes eye contact with his peen and then back up at me. As if to say, "Honey, remember how you promised me a night of a 1000 blowjobs if I got you a new kitchen?" I'm like, dude you know your satchel likely smells like a monkey cage at this point. You can't even be offended by my rejection. Me, the woman that thinks Dial soap should be marketed as an aphrodisiac.

And I made it worse when we went to a party this past weekend. I know he figured I was shaved, perfumed and in a skirt so sex was a clincher. But I spent the entire 20 minute ride home trying to remove a piece of beef gristle from my teeth. Then we got home and I was all, "Is it still in there? Can you SEE the gristle?" 30 minutes and a box of floss later I walk into the bedroom and he's naked. And I say, "Really? Really? I mean, really?" Now in the past if I wasn't in the mood I would have gone with the "Baby it makes me hot to take care of YOU" angle. Then use every move I knew to make it happen as fast as possible. But me and my bloody gums just wanted to get some sleep.

And I've also become one of those women who think about other things during sex. Like, "Crap, I better not have to change the sheets I just put these on this morning." or "Dude, you are so not giving me a pearl necklace cause I don't want my chest to smell like ASS when I have to rush out the door
unshowered tomorrow morning.". And I totally hid the Baby Oragel. (Put it on under the condom, makes him last much longer) and lied about it. Cause I want it over with quickly so I can fold that load of laundry that's been buzzing in the dryer for the last 10 minutes.

I think I'm just tuckered out. The remodeling that's been going on is awesome. I'm very lucky. But I'm also very tired from watching the kids from morning till bedtime so husband can work on the house. Then using the evening to pick up the house and knock a few inches off laundry mountain. And the whole brokeass mama effect has gotten worse since Home Depot started siphoning off our cash. For some reason being broke is exhausting. So forgive me for not rocking you like a hurricane husband. You're still the King. But don't mess up the sheets, kay?

32 comments:

~JJ! said...

Monkey cage!

Ha!

This is a great post.

Tracy said...

Ya' know that song...."Soul Sister?"

I think I've found her....LOL At what time have we NOT all felt like this!!!

A GREAT POST!!!

Cyndi said...

I shot pop out my nose laughing so hard while reading this!!!

Jennifer said...

Hilarious! Glad to know I'm not the only skank using Baby Oragel for sex or paying for crap with sexual favors.

Mamma said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! You continue to be one of the few--which of course just makes me love you more.

I hear ya. They want to get busy on their terms.

I just bartered my knowledge of the whereabouts of husband's keys for some oral sex. And he bought it!! I'm going to start hiding more things in the house I think.

Jen said...

Dudette - baby orajel - really...humm ya learn something new everyday...I on the otherhand have the Minuteman lotion...I got it at some sex party...lotion it up give it some pity attention and BAM he is done in the span of 2 commercials and a station ID...

Thanks for the great laugh

g-man said...

Holy crap that was funny. I'm sure this is exactly what my lovely wife is thinking half the time!!

Chasinash said...

I am SO with you! Other people's bodily fluids must stay off of me and my sheets. PLEASE. Not that I don't love the funk - but REALLY, back away from My Goodies. NOW.

Oh, The Joys said...

I am so right there with you.

I can climb on top and have it over quickly. Works like a charm.

Little Monkies said...

freakin' funny.

Lotta said...

JJ, Tracy & Cindy - Thanks!

Jennifer - Nope, this skank does it too!

Mama - Gonna have to use that one.

Jen - I just tell him to pretend I'm a stripper and not his chubby wife. Usually works pretty fast!

Chas - Not always, but somedays!

G-Man - Not at all, I'm sure she thinks you're the KING!

OTJ - I'm so lazy. I go with the doggy style. Works quick and I don't have to do much.

LM - Thanks!

Mama en Fuego said...

Woman you have put to words the dread in my heart everytime my husband and I are in bed.

Why oh why must I pretend to be interested? Why oh why must my husband insist on being an asshole then expecting me to spread 'em. Why oh why must every backmassage or foot rub equal sexy time? WHY?!?!?!?!

Mama en Fuego said...

Oh, and I think about other things during sex too. Like the Rock, naked and vacuuming my house. GGGRRR Baby.

miss bliss said...

what honesty!

and right on target, too.

Slackermommy said...

I hear ya! Does the kitchen porn you wrote awhile back count as a sex post?

Kelly said...

"but don't mess up the sheets"--bwahahahaha!

You know this is the second sex/mommy blogger post I've read today. I wish I could remember the other. It was something about been loud and the kids. Maybe it was yesterday. Anyway...rock on!

Amanda Auchter said...

Yes, my husband calls that smell "gamey," as in game (deer, rabbit, bear, etc.) Yum! (really, not).

Lotta said...

Mama - I don't know why. That's almost a whole nother post. Husband will not pay any attention to me all evening and then bamo. Wants to get laid. It's like I've lost my sex power. Back when we were dating, or even before kids he worked at it a little bit more. I'm not talking foreplay, I mean the hand on the back, sweet talk that should start happening at least 2 hours before sex moves are made!

Mama's Moon said...

Oh, goodness! Orajel? Really? Really? Hmmm...I'm totally with you on the sheets and pearl necklace though. Dude! Keep a plastic cup by your side of the bed!!! hehehe.

Lotta said...

Mama's Moon - One of my best friends does that. I admire you gals that can swallow and spit. I insist that I get the signal before launch and then just step aside. The pearl necklace is more of a booby love kind of thing. And I'm just going to shut up now.

mommiebear2 said...

LOL! Gosh I can second everything that you said, minus the whole Home Depot sucking our funds dry. But thats okay, cause we have plenty of other shit to take our money.

Jason Dufair said...

So this was actually kinda depressing to me. Especially the universality of the sentiment in the comments. When I was married, we had our ups and downs. Lotta and friends: Is it him? Is it just life and stress? What would the ideal world be for you, sex-and-marriage-wise?

Lotta said...

Jason - This is but a snapshot in the sex photo album. I've written other posts about how hot and fun it is. There are just times when we are worn out and need more warm up time. Like a car in winter.

sparklykatt said...

Oh my, I just so get this post!

Yeah, my dread comes when my husband brushes his teeth before coming to bed. That's pretty much a given that he wants to get busy.

Why he won't brush his teeth every night before bed? Well, that's just another post completely.

All I can say here is "mouth breather" and "holy halitosis" come about 3am.

Jenny said...

"Monkey cage."

You are my hero.

Denguy said...

Holy Man, that's funny.

I came here via OTJ.

"chest to smell like ASS."
Too funny.

Mommahbear. said...

Very Funny! ~ Enjoyed this via OTJ. Though, I have to say that I never feel like this and sex is about the only rejuvenating thing I make time to indulge in.. but, I am often, and more often than not, on the other end of the equation.. now that I know how the other half feels, I guess I'll give it a rest. At least I don't smell like monkey cage, though. LOL! Too funny!

cate said...

Great...I just pissed my pants laughing at this post! Now I have to hope to hell that my 1 and 2 year olds don't break anything while I leave the room (Ha!) whilst I go and change into clean pants!!!

Hilarious!

Angie said...

All I think about is the damn sheets.

Kevin Charnas said...

"Dude, you are so not giving me a pearl necklace cause I don't want my chest to smell like ASS when I have to rush out the door unshowered tomorrow morning."

FUCK!!! JESUS!!! wait...I'm truly laughing my ass off...but I don't really mean, "F-Jesus". Those are two completely seperate explanations. I happen to like Jesus.

Lotta said...

Kevin - I'm sure Jesus knows what you mean. And forgives you.

kathi d said...

Ever since I read this the other day, I will be going along, minding my own business, grocery shopping say, or driving, or in the stirrups at the doctor's office, and without warning, "monkey cage" will pop into my head and I start to giggle like a schoolgirl, building into hoots and finally the kind of laughing that makes you snort and wet your pants.