Road Rage and Crotchless Panties

I've got a case of the blahs on top of the blahs and so on to infinity. I know it sounds very pretty pretty princess, but having the house be so torn up for renovations and then not having the cash to move things along makes me mighty low. I'm not good when the house is chaotic. A clean counter means I must be sane. Right? RIGHT? Answer me damnit! So piles and piles of crap is making me feel nuts. More nuts than usual. Which brings me over that fine line from charmingly touched to f'king crackers.

Just the other night the whole damn family was in the minivan and stopped at red light. A red light that had a big "No Turn On Red" sign next to it. When a young whippersnapper starts cussing us out, actually leaning outside her window to yell obscenities at us for not turning right. I'm like, really? You're taking down a family in a minivan? Then she got out of her car and started to walk towards our car. I jumped out of the van and walked over to the "No Turn On Red" sign and began a very sarcastic, interpretive Vanna White impersonation. See, see the big red sign. The light turned and we both got back in our cars. Husband and children just looked at me with stunned expressions. Normally, I would have just laughed at her. But I'm not in my right mind.

And yesterday I found out I got a spot volunteering at BlogHer. Which was great news for about 5 minutes. Then I began to obsess about how I had nothing to wear, people would be viewing my large caboose LIVE and remembering that I have huge social anxiety. I'm not shy, as the teenager in the car can tell you, but I get really freaked out in a crowd. Especially a crowd of cute, articulate and well dressed women. As I imagine BlogHer to be.

I did manage to smuggle a pair of Spanx Higher Power Panties into the house under cover of an Aldi shopping bag. There was no way I could rationalize to husband why I needed a $34 pair of underpants for BlogHer, especially ones that look like porno scuba gear. If you've worn the high waisted Spanx you know what I'm talking about. They have an opening in the crotch so you can pull it apart to tinkle without wrestling out of them. Well I don't know about you, but my thighs NEED those Spanx. So that little folded over hole is pulled wide open all the time, creating a pair of crotchless underwear. 'Cept it's not really underwear since it goes up under your bra line and down to your knees. So you look more like you've cut a vagina hole in your wetsuit. But I'm too afraid of my frontass not to wear them.

I could take a Xanax before attending BlogHer but while they relax me they also make me very very sleepy. Combine a drugged, sleepy mother of two with a PowerPoint presentation and I'll be drooling and exposing my crotchless Spanx wearing self 10 minutes into the conference. But I'll be there. Handing you your registration packet and blurting out an apology for not being witty or pretty enough in person. Bah!

29 comments:

Wendy said...

I understand your feeling when the house is not the way it should be. Every now and then I will just go off and start flinging things at people, because they have been on the counter for 5 minutes. Counters are made to be cleared, people, and floors are not meant to be walked on.

I am sure you will do fine at BlogHer. You know everyone loves you. Unlike some of us.

You really think the Spanx help? I bought several pairs and didnt feel they held me in at all. I have been wearing the Hanes Bodyshaper, but I am not sure if they still make them. I bought them years ago. I recently tried some from Target. I cant remember the name. I like them, but would really love the opening for the crotch. It would save that wrestling with a Rhino noise I make in the bathroom stall.

Slackermommy said...

Have a glass of wine or something to help you not feel so anxious. It always helps me. I've started stressing about what I should wear. Do I dress up, casual, business attire? I want to show off my new set of boobs to distract from my big ass but will I look like a slut? But really, I'm excited to meet you and I will find you beautiful because I already do just from reading you.

knicksgrl0917 said...

hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

Julie Pippert said...

I think it's awesome you get to go to BlogHer...and people will be too busy worrying about themselves to worry about you. :) ;)

But they will love you like always.

I understand though.

I would do the Vanna (have done), I need tidy and organized and I do know about those Spanx.

Lotta said...

Wendy - I don't know. The last pair I bought was a size up so I thought maybe it wasn't working as well as I hoped because I had unrealistic expectations. I'll let you know after I wear the new ones.

PS - Not everyone likes me, believe me!

Slacker - Show us dem titties! If I had my tummy tuck I would be wearing belly shirts. Next year eh?

Julie - Excellent point, and very nice advice. Thanks!

Jenifer said...

Girl you are toooo funny!

Want to feel better about your renovations?

My week.... Husband finally decides to mount mirror in new bathroom. Good. Husband tells me I cannot shower in there for 3 days. Not so good. Husband rigs up braces which make it virtually impossible to walk through bathroom. Really not good. 3 days later husband takes off braces, I admire newly hung mirror with squeals of glee and 2 hours later it falls off the wall and ahstters an a bazillion pieces. BAD. VERY. VERY. BAD.

And as far as counters? I am all for a ban on all horizontal surfaces to eliminate this problem....

and as for the panties/ wet suit?
funny....all I can say is, funny.

BoggyWoggy said...

Love you, MOM-O-MATIC. You and I would have so much to discuss over a bottle of wine, with Dave Matthews Band playing in the background (like right now in my home). In the midst of my anxiety, I can really attack people, but, looking back...THEY DESERVED IT! Just like the gal honking at y'all! While at a Pink Martini outdoor concert last night, I watched a woman scoot her little beach chair up when she saw a man approaching, looking for a place to sit. He said, "Is anybody sitting here?" She said, "No...and you better not block my view!" He looked really sad as he and his little boy started to walk away...so, being a semi-psycho-bitch, I walked over and said, "Excuse me, sir. We'll make room for you and your little boy with us." He smiled and said, "No. Too bitter over here."
I turned to BeachChairBitch and said, "We all watched you scoot your chair up to block his chance of getting a seat. Did you notice that there are 10,000 people behind you watching? I'll bet one of them is Santa...and you're going to get a rock this year." Several people clapped and smiled at me, but, as I sat down, I saw BeachChairBitch glaring at me with her lips pursed. She then flipped me off...and 10,000 people saw her! Ha, ha! She deserved what she got!

judi said...

I actually think you've got the hair of a goddess! Truthfully, I would be feeling that way standing in front of you! Worry none...... get that mojo going and hold your head up high!

Little Monkies said...

Lotta, Lotta, Lotta...I am so sad that I am not going to BlogHer simply because I want to meet YOU. You who has intro'd me to so many other cool women out there. You are a connector, baby. You rock.

I thought this was a very cool piece that Weetabix (another cool blog you intro'd me to) wrote on being the person behind the phone (or blog in this case)...
http://www.elasticwaist.com/elastic_waist/2007/07/the-invisible-w.html

You are a gorgeous woman, hysterical to boot. I can so see you doing the Vanna...you go girl. Although, in Chicago...not so sure about that all of the time :)

P.S. I live 3 hrs away from you, we are so going to meet sometime!

Big Hugs.

Little Monkies said...

P.S. You are also not the only woman who is nervous about BlogHer. It seems like *everyone* is nervous about BlogHer and the impression she will make and what people will think... do men do this? do they fret about how they will show up to other men?

The sisterhood is what introduced women bloggers to each other. I hope it's the most affirming goddamn love fest EVER. It should be, damn it. We've got to support each other in every way possible.

Lotta said...

LM - What a nice comment. 3 hours? That's all? Why didn't I know this? We can meet somewhere halfway? After blogher I'll stalk you and we'll plan.

Oh, The Joys said...

Lotta,
I'll be there. Stick with me. I love you.
J

~JJ! said...

I've worn the spanx...why don't I feel sexy in THOSE crotchelss panties?

Paige said...

Lotta, how could anyone not love you?

Crunchy Carpets said...

I bought some fake spanx for blogher too....so I know exactly how you feel.

I bought NICE new underwear for blogher but with my expansion project on the go...they no longer fit.

The spanx things do though....picture of sexiness.

And yah..love the road rage bit.. I do things like that too..but so does my dh..we confronted a scotman with a man purse the other day after he almost drove right into us...that was trippy.

Lotta said...

OTJ - Like glue.

JJ - I'm not a crotchless panty gal at all. More of a cotton panties with a pantyliner and baby powder person.

Paige - It happens.

Crunchy - Anyone with a man purse is asking for trouble.

*S* said...

Um, and is there some big "Show Us Your Unders" segment at BlogHer - or did I miss that part of the advertising packet?!? It might be enough to make me drive the extra 150 miles to attend, although, I know I won't cos I'll be freaked out from more family contact than is healthy for a person.

I deal fine with mess and chaos until it pulls me out of my orbit like some big anti-matter suck. Clear off a table and threaten to severely beat anyone who comes near it to stack something on it, wipe their hands on it, etc.

Spanx rule, but, like you, I don't have $34 to spend on them. What to do? I buy the $9.99 ones at Nordstrom Rack and then cut my own little slit in the crotch, having first put nail polish on the areas I don't want to run all to hell. Works for me, but you don't get the upper body support, that you would with the long-line set-up you bought.

You'll be fine. You're Lotta, after all.

*Kram*

Grim Reality Girl said...

1. This is what I love about you.
2. Jealous I can not be there!

elle said...

Dead on Spanx commentary Lotta! I too was mystified by the little opening bit. I didn't even attempt to utilize it as I couldn't imagine having the precision and coordination necessary to pee through a two inch fabic ringed gap while trying to keep my dress out of the toilet at the same time. Have a great time at BlogHer! Remember, we all think you are fab and they will too! As much as you are my hero for your right turn Vanna showdown, be careful. You never know who that asswipe in the other car is going to turn out to be. We had a totally scary run in with a jerk who was speeding though our neighborhood last month. Now I just avoid eye contact and flip a discreet bird down low where the other driver can't see it.

Kevin Charnas said...

Oh man...it's a good thing that you and I don't drive around together. One time I found myself out of my car, back leaning on the car behind me that was honking incessantly at me and I was LEANING on it saying all nonchalantly, "Do I KNOW you? 'Cause you were honking at me like you knew me? Where do I know you from???"

I'm so lucky they didn't have a gun.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Lotta - Target sells Assets. The cheapo version of Spanx. Made by the same comediane who designed Spanx. Assets is the same product, just sells at a different price point. Check it out!

BirdieRoark said...

Here via Plane Jane Mom.

You're SPANX story made me snort my coffee. I bought a pair when my lovely friend made me a bridesmaid (isnt there some rule about not having to be in weddings once you have kids). I tried them on at home and didn't realize that they were crotchless until then.

I'll wear mine on day 1 of BlogHer for you. I can unite around this cause.

Mamma said...

Honey you could have snot dripping from your hair and I wouldn't care. I'm totally going to stalk you and make you talk to me.

I'm so freakin' excited you're going to be there!!!

Please meet us for dinner. I haven't heard from you yet.

Jenny said...

All I got out of this is that you will be at blogher in crotchless panties with some unused xanax.

And they say God doesn't exist.

I can't freaking *WAIT* to see you.

deb said...

UGH. People need to go back to school and learn how to read! Drivers education needs to make sure people know what each sign means, not what you think it will mean.

g-man said...

So you look more like you've cut a vagina hole in your wetsuit. Made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the visual. You rock. I'm sure you will do very well at BolgHer.

Lotta said...

Kevin - That is priceless. I'm glad you don't live in Chicago because if you did you would see me stealing your line the next time someone honks at me!

Jenny - Sigh.

butterfly girl said...

You got out of the van? Really? That's so classic.

We laughed once when my brother was at a light and he was behind the person that didn't know the lite turned green and he says, "What shade a green ya waitin' on!!?" We laughed for days.

Small minds easily amused.

Andie said...

so Spanx work, eh? I've been considering getting a pair or two for when I'm having a fat day.

but crotchless? eek.

and I saw your video, and I think you are so cute!