Warning: This post is about poop

In order to avoid having to get a rubber hose shoved up my bum, which is what I assume they do at the buttdoc I've been trying to research a way to solve my constipation issue online. What I found was that in addition to needing bales and bales of fiber most of us suppress the urge to "go" and then lose the impulse all together. I thought about that and then realized; mom's don't get to go poop. No poop for you lady!

Today I got and suppressed the urge when both kids were passed out sleeping in the backseat and the temp was around 85 degrees. I could leave them in the car and kill them with heat stroke while I ran inside to a john. Or I could wake them up and drag two screaming children into a public bathroom. Both of them then rolling around on the dirty floor saying things like, "Mommy are you done pooping YET?" "Your butt is sooooo big. Like really big." or "Mommy your poop smells the worstest in all the world." for the amusement of anyone washing their hands outside the stall.

Perhaps your suggestion is to poop at home. Sounds logical enough. But the second my ass hits the porcelain someone needs stitches or finds out how to unlock the screen door and hightails it down the street. So I've got a shelf filled with products called Colon Blow and ButtDrano to undo the repressed damage. This morning I found myself staring down a bottle of Magnesium Citrate at the drugstore. PoopReport tells me that if I do it I'll need to take it easy and stay near a potty for 48 hours. God that would be like a freaking vacation.

Husband asked me if I had any fantasies the other day. I do, but not what he was hoping for. My fantasies include having the ability to make duct tape shoot out of my wrists and secure my children to the nearest surface. And a clean bathroom, a stack of catalogs and nobody in the house for the duration. And yea, I know some will say when I'm old I'll miss all the things I complain about now regarding the children. Maybe so, but more likely whenever they call to complain about my grandchildren I'll just snap, "I haven't crapped in 40 years cause of you kids!".

PS- You can buy the poop collage at Hummingbirdeyes Etys shop.

16 comments:

Mamma said...

May be the meds too. I just read that somewhere.

But duct tape spewing wrists would be so cool.

Little Monkies said...

Thats one of your funniest effing posts yet, m'dear.

Fiber one and a cup of coffee...and getting ready to leave...usually when the children are bundled in their snow suits and are about to be asphyxiated. Lovely.

I love that the husband asked about the fantasies. I guess you had to move off of the kitchen because your hunk of burnin' man-love is setting your cupboards straight! How goes that bit?

Wendy said...

I had the same situation this morning. We went to the movies, but I couldnt leave the kiddies in their seats so I could go. Then we go to the restaurant where I have to wait and hope my husband shows up soon so I can go pee, because Sam was sleeping. However, when I got home....I...well almost clogged the toilet, so I am not totally on board with your story.

I am telling you Coke Icees do it for me. I have one and within an hour or less I have to drop some kids off at the pool.

Christina said...

Your kids runaway while you're on the can, too? I thought only mine did.

I will be feeling your pain soon. There are iron supplements in my future (which I mentioned in my blog today) and they are notorious for not only backing things up, but for magically converting your waste into chunks of granite.

Anonymous said...

"Holey" Moley!!! I thought I was the only one having trouble right now. I've been taking these fiber wafers and drinking the water like I'm supposed to. But I'll be damned if it isn't like cement up in my colon!! As my husband said, everytime you go it practically tears the landing gear right out of you!
Misery loves company babe!!
Bama

PS: they're supposed to help with weight loss...I've gained this week! I think it's 'cause I'm full of shit (screw the metaphor)

Jenifer said...

Oh girl you are soooo funny. And the sad part is the reason you are so funny is because it is all so true.... take heart you are not alone.

And yeah, I want go-go-gadget wrists too!

Katie J said...

Oh golly, others say it all the time, but really LOL! I'm having similar issues probably due to IBS and I guess motherhood too. Thanks for sharing. You are never alone, Lotta!

Jennifer said...

too friggin funny! Have you tried eating Activia every day...it's really supposed to help with that.

I, on the other hand, have what my old college roommate and I call "Target syndrome"...for whatever strange reason, when I walk around and shop at a store like Target I gotta go!

debbie said...

You totally made my day, cracked me and the hubby up. Idea...from the hubby, duct tape the kids to the floor, take the computer into the bathroom with you and poop while your blogging.

sam said...

OH dear GOD! I can't stop laughing!!!!

Having kids and popping do not go to gether, that's for sure. I have to wait for the peace and quiet of a stall at work! LOL

ROFL, You crack me the hell up!

(if this looks funny it's because the Blogger window won'topen all the way and I have to guess and I can't check my spelling.) Stupid Blogger.

deb said...

If I eat chocolate, or drink coffee, that is my natural laxative. Have you tried eating more salad? Also, grapes, and prunes work.... make it all SOFT!

Anyway, I know what you mean about feeling like you need stitches after you go... I stocked up on preparation H!

sparklykatt said...

wow, you can get your kids to stay in the stall with you?

Not my son, thats his ticket for sliding under the door, running out of the restroom and hiding some where in what ever public place we are in.

I can't even pee in public any more.

Adriane said...

Gah. I feel you on this. I have started taking a diabetes med that caused me to poo like, 6-10 times a day. It is a sudden (and intense) feeling, and I am nearly housebound because of it. I just can't bring myself to doody at a public place, or someone's house. How lame is that? My kids (who are 7 & 9) are tyrants about teasing me; "Are you pooping AGAIN Mom?". Other end of the spectrum from you Lotta, but the same sport.

Sarah said...

Holy crap, I can totally relate. I have issues with my poop-shoot, and having a rugrat screaming at me whenever I try to make it work is not helping.
Thanks for the laugh about it, though!

Anonymous said...

Miralax as directed, twice a day instead of once. It's working for my son who has a constipation related medical problem. His dr says he can take it for 6 months or more then gradually wean off of it.

Just my experience. I'm not an MD and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express lately. It's worth what ya paid for it. ;-P

Julie said...

Oh my...I too have this problem. I have been constipated my whole life...so it's not just my kid that does it to me. However, he doesn't help me either.

What I have found that works WONDERS....is the "Plum Smart" fruit juice. It's not prune juice...it's plum juice. Tastes a lot like grape juice.

You can find it with the prune juice...and it's called "Plum Smart" with extra fiber for your digestive system.

Works wonders...I've never pooped better. I'm still not completely regular...but now I go more than once a week.