10 Things That Are Harshing My Mellow

1.) Post BlogHer07 "I hate mommy bloggers" posts. Don't be hater man. If you didn't want to speak with us you should have politely excused yourself. Then you and your dusty ovaries could have been alone with each other. We wouldn't have followed you, we're too busy comparing crotch scars.

2.) "Your kitchen still isn't done!?" Do I look like I won the lottery? Am I not annoyingly vocal about our brokeass status? If you know me you are well aware that this kitchen redo is a cash only project and we have to wait, and wait, and wait whenever we run into big money installations. Like appliances. Or spaghetti strainers. Or pretty much everything.

3.) Passive aggressive comments. Do you hate the fact that I (fill in blank)? Then just freaking tell me.
(And posting this complaint on my blog instead of telling the persons directly isn't passive aggressive at all. Nuh uh.)

4.) Lame MILF-ness. I have weighed the same since my last Future MILF weigh in 3 weeks ago. Gah! And I know it's cause I've given up on preparing half-ass non-kitchen meals and have sold my soul to the drive-thrus.

5.) Missing the love. I'm almost mad that I met so many great women at BlogHer07. Because they all live a million miles away. For some reason I'm not finding women that I want to start up friendships with in my area. Perhaps that's because I don't know their innermost secrets right off the bat. But mostly I'm sure it's because they don't have haunted dollhouses or were former dance girls.

6.) BigLittle Syndrome. My kids are so big! Little, but still so big all of the sudden. And I'm realizing that we are likely done procreating. And it's kinda bumming me out. Even though when I thought I might be knocked up a week ago I was all "Holy Mother of Christ..Nooooo!". There was kind of a let down when Aunt Flo knocked on the screen door.

7.) Poop. Or lack thereof. I'm making an appointment to see the poodoc. Pray for me.

8.) Sex. Or lack thereof. For some reason when I'm in the mood he's not and vice versa. We just can't seem to match up these days.

9.) Boring self. I'm pretty sure that everyone that knows me in real life says, "If Lotta talks about her freaking blog or her weight loss one more time I'm gonna scream." I am officially boring and redundant as hell.

10.) August 26 birthday. For the most part every year is better than the last so I love birthdays. But I feel like I got hit with the ugly stick this year. My boobs look like Snoopy faces. My forehead has a roadmap on it. My wardrobe consists of 100 Target teeshirts in various colors and 3 pairs of capris. (I haven't worn clothing this boring since I was in Garanimals.) And my final and most affirmative sign of middle age was when someone let me take a bite of their BlogHer pot cookie I spit out it because it was "too salty".


jakelliesmom said...

Lady, I hear ya on the Snoopy items - only mine are very noticeably (to me) lopsided, so it's more like Snoopy and Spike or little sister Belle. (Can you tell where my obsessions of the '80s ran?)

Little & big, too. Mine will both be in school in a few weeks. I will be alone. And likely working. All good and bad at once.

Regardless of how long your funk might endure, your writing is still universal and fun.

canape said...

The kitchen-less home is a nightmare. We finally finished one side of it this weekend. So I can sort of cook now.

It's been over 2 months now.

I think we could have paid someone to do it with the money we have had to spend eating out!

BoggyWoggy said...

I like your list a lot! It defines so much.
Boobs...mine are all stretch-marked, looking like they have silver canyons fanning out. This happened when I had babies...
Also, re: the passive-aggressive stuff: You really need to look at Passive-Aggresive Notes.com
I get my daily fill of nasty stuff people do to one another...
I let loose on my husband last night, blaming him for all of my problems. I bet he comes home from fishing today and gives me the cold shoulder...no, he'll be really , really nice and I'll feel even worse!
Come to Oregon. I'll be your friend! Hee, hee!

Ruth Dynamite said...

Hey now. No more mellow-harshing anythings, ya hear?

You are one brilliantly gorgeous brand of woman. Happy birthday (soon enough). Enjoy it. Share your love. Forget the kitchen. Be happy.

Jinxed said...

Fast food is sooo easy. It's hard to avoid it. The temptation is great, I know. But seriously, an apple doesn't feel half as crappy as fast food once it hits my arteries. =o)

Mamma said...

I was honestly lamenting to myself today that we didn't live closer. I just know I'd love to sit in the back of a PTA meeting with you.

And PS--You are a babe! Don't let anyone (especially that nagging voice inside your head) tell you otherwise!!!

lildb said...

I'm not sure what's funnier; the idea of the pot cookie seeming too salty and then being spat away, or you being boring.

because a) is just a funny visual, while b) is totally unpossible. you could wear frumpy-froo clothes 'til the day is long, but sugar, you could NEVER EVER not in a million long years pass for dull.


Jenny said...

Everything you just said? Yes, amen, pay the fucking band.

I don't know if that makes sense but I just spent the whole day with a vomiting toddler and then my husband served me 3 year old meat in a can. I can't be held responsible for anything I say.

PS. Please move to Texas.

Jennifer said...

I love your blog..it's thoroughly entertaining. And coming from a woman (mother/wife) soon to have a phd in sociology, some women need to lighten up and get a sense of humor...geez! I totally appreciate your feminist approach.

And I don't know where you live, but surely not near me....deeeeep south.

karrie said...

Snoopy boobs...snort!

Mama C-ta said...

Who is hating on mommy bloggers? Let me at 'em! I'll whoop them into shape right after I take another 500 photos of my son and post about his poop today. Who wouldn't like mommy bloggers?

We have the same sex issue, we can't get in sync either. Either he's in the mood and I'm not or...wait, that's just it.

MILFBoundNikki said...

Ahem! As we've discussed, Wisconsin is a fine place to live where you can get a lot for a little. What's better than an Insta-Friend, with kiddo Insta-Friends for your kiddos?

We can do puppet shows with our Snoopy boobies.

Little Monkies said...

You still rock, sistah. I did almost pee about the pot cookie, though. But let's file it under the "life's too short to eat pot cookies that taste like crap" concept. I mean, you might, might get a wee buzz, but if not you've ditched calories and made out with a salt lick. Gross. Give me a glass of wine and a real brownie any day.

The kitchen thing is hard. It will be over, it will be over, it will be over...

Erika, Plain Jane Mom said...

HOLY HELL woman, I hate that you fill in the blank too. It's time we all said something. Be on the lookout for your intervention.

Karly said...

There were POT COOKIES at BlogHer? Sonofa...I KNEW I should have went!

Jenifer said...

I sympathize with 2,6, and 8.

2. We have redone our WHOLE HOUSE. And each and every room still has things missing.. no molding in the kitchen, no mirror in the bathroom, no door on the linen closet...the list goes on. And I HATE IT when people come over and say "You didn't finish that yet??" I feel like saying "Well, I'll get right on it if you would like to come to Home Depot and foot the bill!!"

6. Yup. Little but SO BIG!

8. I hear ya on that one. He said the other night "Well, if you put as much effort into it as you used to." Well EXCUSE me that I spent all me effort on looking after the spawn of your loins and cleaning up the house AGAIN because you are such a slob, but I"LL GET RIGHT ON IT!


Grim Reality Girl said...

Timing and the diet are not happening here lately either.... must be something in the air?

Jen said...

I feel for you. I went one week without a fridge and that was about enough to make a person commit.