Secret Lover


There are times in a marriage, when you will stare at your loved one for a long time. And you will think, "By God if you don't pluck those nose hairs out I'm gonna scream!". Husband and I started dating at 19 and I'm now 36. That's 17 years with the same person. I still love, lust and adore him. But the past 3 or 4 years, since the children actually, I find myself focusing on his overly large pores or bush like eyebrows when he's watching TV.

I know I'm not alone in this. When we got together for some birthday loving husband asked, "Did you shave?". I totally didn't. And we're not talking about legs. My bush could have rivaled a 70's hippie porn star it was so natural. But a few months ago I discovered a special secret that I'm going to share with you today. There is a way to take care of your partners bad grooming without their knowledge. I figured this out when husband refused to take his vitamins. He has gotten a range of random illnesses, including Guillain-Barre, and yet he obstinately refuses to take supplements. So I bought myself a bottle of geriatric liquid vitamins. I slip a couple tablespoons into his Dr. Pepper every night and he's none the wiser.

Then one night I was staring at his sleeping, snoring self and was inspired to go grab the nail scissors. Hell yes, I was going to trim those insane eyebrows. He has a few white ones that stick straight freaking out. They send chills down my spine as I've seen too many oldass architects nonchalantly spouting hair out of every orifice. So I snipped those suckers down and he didn't twitch. I've also switched out his toothpaste with Rembrandt whitening formula and I bought a bottle of Fibersure that I plan to dissolve into every damn thing I cook for us from now on.


Though I suppose I should be careful. I just might wake up after a night drinking with the girls to find that he Nair-ed my down-there while I was sleeping.

20 comments:

DD said...

My husband has the same exact freakin eyebrows! I've thought about getting him at night but the only thing that holds me back is realizing those clipped twigs will end up in the sheets. Yuck.

The gal who cuts his hair gets the dubious honors of cutting his "brow antennae".

Katrina said...

I call it "wizard brow" cuz Murphy looks like Merlin's love child if he doesn't trim that mess. Don't get me started on the ear hair.

jakelliesmom said...

Yes, I, too make threats with tweezers when we are out in public. I question how he's not yet blinded himself with the length of the stray brows.

joyce said...

hehe will have to try these....think hubby is too light a sleeper to clip those hairs though

san francisco lauren said...

You. Are. Awesome.

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

This is fantastic! Tips you can REALLY use!!!

Jenifer said...

YOU are just too damn funny.

My husband is weird....he loves to have me "groom him".

"Honey, will you shave my neck? Honey, will you pick this zit? Honey, will you put one of those strip things on my nose?"

Ugh.... I draw the line at shaving his coin purse!!

Oh, The Joys said...

That is hilarious. Can you come to K's eyebrows?

moosh in indy. said...

HAR HAR...you deserve an award.
Or something.

Julie said...

Oh my...that is hilarious! My husband has freakishly-long eyebrows. A few of them get to be INCHES long....and stick out like mad! I pluck them for him....or yank them out with my hands (they are THAT long) and do it without even asking. I mean really...he's 32 years old!

Maybe I'll start inserting the geriatric liquid vitamins into his Diet Coke...great idea! Thanks!

g-man said...

Hell my lovely wife just sneaks up on me with the tweezers, and before I know what is going on I see the glint of the steel as she is propelling it toward my eye. The next thing I know I am waking up with a freshly plucked pain over my eye and my lovely wife standing over me panting "It was driving me crazy" while holding out her hand to show me the two inch brow hair.

Sleeping Nair ... huh?

Scott said...

Your husband would probably love it if you let him do your 'down under' barbering. Maybe you could make a deal, he gets to do yours after you do his parts that bug you. Win-win.

judi said...

Shoot...... with my husbands "hairy pinna"... (that's a scientific term for hairy ears... gutter mind)........ I'd need a bush hog. AND what's funny....... he didn't let them grow out till after we were married.

He does however trim his chest hairs, eyebrows and well, his you know where to perfection. Why the hell not the ears? Stumps me.

Super B's Mom said...

OMG. You are killing me.

Another old married fart here whose husband has nose hair that makes me want to scream. Eyebrows not so much but nose. OMG the nose.

Mama C-ta said...

You just cracked my ass up!! Oh so true, it's sad. There is one very specific nose hair I'm dying to get, it shall be mine. Now on the other hand, I'm so lazy I'd love it if someone came and shaved me down while I slept.

boogiemum said...

This is great! I love it!

I once almost choked my hubby to death when I squirted snoring spray in his mouth while he was sleeping. I also try to cut his nails when he is sleeping b/c I don't like how long he lets them get :)

Karen Ross Smith said...

You crack me up like nobody else can!

elle said...

Thanks for the hilarious and valuable tips. Now if you just had some advice on how I can wax those funky furry patches on my hubby's back without waking him up. Do they make liquid geriatric valium by chance? It is going to take me forever to tweeze them hair by hair. Plus our bedroom is dark so I'm going to have to get one of those miner helmet flashlights.

Mamma said...

Heh. Like a guy would figure out how to play that kind of trick on us.

Actually, if he could take care of it for me while I was sleeping that would eliminate one thing from my to do list.

You rock Lotta.

Natalie said...

Oh man. Kim said you are hilarious. She did not lie.