3 Sex Tips For Brides

An awesome friend of mine went out with me for drinks recently and we talked about (what else) sex. She's newly married and not a "woman of the world" so she comes to my wizened old self for advice. After talking to her I realized our entire conversation could be boiled down into 3 things. So here they are..

3 Things Every New Wife Should Know About Sex

1.) There are women who can have a big O with intercourse alone. And they all live inside the porno films your husband watches. The rest of us require a bit of exterior assistance. Let him know he's still 100% man and that his magic wand shoots stars, but ladies need to go first. Or during. Whatever. And if you take depression meds, for Pete's sake invest in some battery power. Otherwise, you're just going to give up after a half hour and he's gonna get carpal tunnel.

2.) He can't see into your head. If you need to picture the hot Dad at the playground or the hot mom, just saying, to make the nookie supah hot then do it! Don't feel guilty for a second, I promise you that last week you were Carmen Electra and you didn't even know it.

3.) You know that other couple that seems like they have sex EVERY DAMN DAY. They're just all over each other when you two double date. They go home and fold their laundry. I promise you that while there are some folks breaking records most of us have our ups and downs. Two weeks of bonking like rabbits followed by 2 months of matching tube socks.

Anything to add?

And in a total unrelated topic, I have some dead man's suits up on eBay. Also, some 12 to 18 month Gymboree and Children's Place samples that were sent to me. Remember, if you win be sure to tell me you read Mom O Matic. I stashed a bunch of great loot in the box of the last auction I had because she mentioned it. Thanks!


BoggyWoggy said...

Ha, ha, ha! I love it!
My mom once said to me, "You know, your dad and I have oral sex everyday!" I almost screamed and covered my ears. Then she said, "Yeah, when I pass him in the kitchen, I say, 'fuck you,' and he says to me, 'fuck you, too!'"

Joyce said...

lotta, you crack me up...keep the sex tips coming ;)

Ruth Dynamite said...

Here's your book! How hilarious would that be! (and totally, dead-on accurate to boot!)

nikki said...

Diet Coke hurts when snorted up the nose. Awesome tips. Except I was probably Shania Twain.

Lotta said...

Boggy - That's a riot!

Joyce - You got it.

Ruth - It would be a "fast" read. Har har.

Nikki - Who wasn't really.

Andie said...


Thank you so much for the laugh. SO SO SO True!!!

Gretchen said...

Please stop making me laugh! I'm sitting at my in-laws, and I don't want to explain why I'm laughing!

Scott said...

I could use a guide for husbands married for ten years. Specifically how to get your wife from point A to point B (or point O). Because we follow your first rule there is no problem with the Big O. My problem isn't getting the horse to drink once she's lead to the water, it's getting her near the water, once she's there she gets very thirsty. But she would rather sleep than walk to the water. Know what I mean? Did I mess up that metaphor royally or what? lol

Christina said...

So, so true, Lotta!