Wide Open On The Road

This past Saturday husband and I went to the wedding of a cousin of mine in Milwaukee. The kids stayed overnight at one of the grandparents and they blessedly picked them up early in the morning so we could get ready uninterrupted. I loved my dress and was excited to put it on. It was a shiny black cotton 50's style shirtwaist dress. I wore a black sparkly brooch, some retro pink beads and had a little vintage clutch. And, the full skirt came in handy by the end of the night. But more on that later.

The wedding was wonderful. This particular side of the family had scattered around the globe so I got to see aunts from England and cousins from Seattle. The whole vibe was great because the couple getting married were clearly in love, there was an open bar and the DJ played old school rap songs like
Tootsie Roll. My sister Tela and her boyfriend were there and they are hilarious and fun to hang with at all times. And best of all the boys agreed to be the designated drivers since our brokeasses couldn't afford to stay overnight in Milwaukee. So Tela and I danced and drank. And drank and drank and danced all night. We harassed the DJ because he hadn't heard of Yaz or New Order and booed him when he tried to play Bon Jovi.

But the real adventure. The Lotta adventure. That was the ride home. I think my total drunk count was around 3 glasses of wine, 5 (watery) beers and 1 pre-wedding social anxiety attack Xanax. Not much for some, but more than enough for me. But I promised husband I would stay awake with him on the ride home so he wouldn't get drowsy. I squeezed every drop of pee I could out so I wouldn't need to make a pit stop and got into the car. And yet, fifteen minutes into the trip someone pounded my bladder with a sledgehammer.

Drunk Me: Oh my God, Oh my God!

Husband: What, what? Are you

DM: Noooo. I have to pee so bad it hurts man, it hurts.

I tried, I really tried to hold it in. But with pouring rain and no exits in site I had tears streaming down my face. Husband knew something was up when I rolled down the window and tossed watery diet pop out of a McDonald's cup.

Husband: No. No! No way, you are not going to pee in the McDonald's cup.

Drunk Me: Oh, it hurts! I have to go, I have to go. I'll go anywhere, just let me out and I'll pee in the rain. I don't care about the truckers. Free show, free show - I have to peeee!

So I'm crouched on the passenger seat like a monkey with a McDonald's cup suctioned to my hoo-haw and I can't go. I can't. Most likely because husband is begging me not to. Finally, he pulls over at some Irish chain restaurant. (Bennigans, Houlihans, who the hell cares it has a toilet) and I ran in past the closers (last shift waiters) that are drinking at the bar and into the sweet relief of a public potty. All good. For awhile.

About a half hour down the road the pressure pee hits again. It's like I've been driving with a garden hose stuffed down my throat I have to go so badly. Napoleon Dynamite (or my husband I'm not sure) yells "GOSH!" and pulls over to a Shell gas station with a surprisingly clean potty. So I do my business and stagger into the super super bright gas station to return the key and buy a pack of those chocolate gem donuts. The kind that come in a roll and have the crunchy shell. From this point on it's a blur but husband tells me I ate the whole packet and then passed out cold. Though some part of my subconscious must have remembered my promise to stay awake with husband. Because I was told that periodically I would sit bolt upright and yell "YA OK, YA AWAKE, AWAKE, OK?!" and then pass back out.

And yet drunk as I was, my
OCD self still managed to stagger to the bathroom sink when we got home to wash my face, change my skivvies and put on some pjs. But as I lay my head down on the pillow the refrain from the last song of the night started pounding in my head.

It's gettin' hot in here (so hot)
So take off all your clothes
I am gettin' so hot
(uh uh uh uh)
I wanna take my clothes off
Oh it's gettin' hot in here (so hot)
So take off all your clothes
I am gettin' so hot
(uh uh uh uh)
I wanna take my clothes off
Yeah yeah come on

Again and again till I gave up and drunkenly watched HGTV for a few hours. I haven't been able to get that song out of my head since. You're welcome.

The next morning we met the grandparent's for breakfast in order to pick up the kids. Because I didn't want the children to ask mommy why she smelled like booze and urine I managed to shower and pour a gallon of Visine into my eyes. Over waffles husband informs me that my left eye is smaller than my right and is turning bright red. Great, I've drunken myself into a neurological disorder. I glare at him with my one good eye until we get home and have a family nap.

Best night I've had in a long time.


judi said...

Cotton candy free to go.....

You can't see my tootsie roll......

To da front, to da front,

by butt..... is to the front.....

Oh, The Joys said...

Why is it we have to pee so much when we're drinking?

Jen said...

I'm fairly certain that I just snorted diet coke through my nose. I will now be sing "tootsie roll" in my head all day. This is why I come to your blog first thing in the morning, thanks for the giggle!

Christina said...

All I could think of while reading your story is that my husband would be so pissed. :) I used to get crazy like that, but have been fortunate to marry someone way more responsible than me.

BTW, once I was so drunk and had to pee so bad that I told my friend to pull over so I could "go" behind a parked school bus. Don't worry. It was empty.

Mamma said...

"Great, I've drunken myself into a neurological disorder."

THAT just made me pee.

nikki said...

"So I'm crouched on the passenger seat like a monkey with a McDonald's cup suctioned to my hoo-haw and I can't go."

Thanks. I've just pissed my pants from laughing so hard.

Lotta said...

Nikki and Mamma - Those are my favorite quotes.

OTJ - I dun know. I know that the longer you can hold it the better. Once the taps been turned on it's hard to turn it off.

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

"Great, I've drunken myself into a neurological disorder."

I spit my water out.

BoggyWoggy said...

Wow. I've lost all respect for you now. NOT!
I love it!
One time, I was in downtown Portland, Oregon with my husband. I had to go soooooo badly that I actually walked over to the side of a car parked on a pretty busy street and had hubby "block the view" of me squatting on the sidewalk! I still can't believe I did that, but what option did I have???

Andie said...

thanks. I'm about to start getting ready for bed and now I have tootsie roll and nelly stuck in my head. LOL

I'd love to see you all dressed up in your cute outfit... sounds so cute!

Anonymous said...

Where did you get the picture of the "Donut Drive-In"????? That is a couple blocks from my house in St. Louis Hills, MO!!!!!!

Betsy said...

Best post ever! I totally want to go out drinking with you.

Kelly said...

I love nights like these. The days afterwards suck though. And why is it days now? It used to be hours, then one day, and now it's days.

Marmite Breath said...

Jelus, Jelus, Jelus. That's what I am. Sounds like a great night!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Good Lord Lotta that is MY kind of night!

In college I was teaching a friend this oh so lovely dance...when the DJ came over the loudspeaker and announced, "There will be NO tootsie rolling in this bar!" Hee-hee

Danny said...

OMG...at least you were willing to pee in the cup by choice. My uncle wouldn't stop for us on road trips and when in the car we had the gallon "pickle jar". I'll let you figure the rest out.

Bless your husband!

Lotta said...

Judi - (Dancing) To the left, to the left...

Paige said...

Still laughing about the Irish chain restaurant comment...Bennigans, Houlihans, oh who the hell cares?