Kiss Me On The Butt!

We had preschool orientation today and we managed to get there on time, clean and with trimmed nails. A feat! On the drive to school son asked, "Mommy, can you put some rock music on?". I gladly obliged with Kiss Me On The Bus by the Replacements (I burned out on The Wiggles in 2003) and he scrunched up his face and air guitar-ed all the way there. So damn cute.

Daughter however, interpreted the lyrics as "Kiss me on the BUUUTT!", emphasis on the "BUUUTT" and sang it loudly as we walked into school. She also insisted on bringing a backpack just like big brother. So she dragged a Hello Kitty backpack on wheels that was as big as she was into the room while telling everyone to smooch her heini.

Because it was only orientation daughter got to stay in class with her big brother. She played with the big kids while the I listened to the teacher read from the handbook. In a nutshell we were told to, "Drop a Benjamin at Target buying Kleenex brand tissue, Dial brand soap...etc". Apparently, a mom complained that her child's hands were getting too chafed from the generic stuff so the teacher decided we would just get name brand everything this year. But God Bless that teacher's hardworking heart. I'll buy the extra special 5 oz. Dixie Cups with Sponge Bob on them if that gets her through a morning with 20 4 year olds.

It was fun to see the preschool moms again. Some were dressed up in cute little skirts with fresh pedicures. I was pretty psyched to be showered and deodorized, even it was my husband's Mennen deodorant with a squirt of perfume on top to mask the bracing scent.

But I'm vowing to try and extend myself a little bit more this year. There are one or two moms that I would like to get to know more. One especially, has a 2 year old boy. She's very pretty but has these big tired looking eyes. I just want to say, "I know man, I know." to her.

There was a mom that held up the teacher for 15 minutes today. She was discussing whether or not her child's favorite bag, a beach bag, would work in lieu of a backpack. She was concerned that the top of the papers would scrunch and yet she didn't want to traumatize her child. It's moments like this that I just want to whip out a little paper cup of meds and instruct her to swallow and move it along. I strongly suspect this is the mom that insisted her child gets a rash if they use store brand soap. She also said that her child was "kinda, sorta" allergic to strawberries. Which, in a totally evil way, makes me want to bring berries for my assigned snack time. Or at least write BERRIES in a big black sharpie on the snack sign up sheet. But I suspect that type of behavior might get in the way of my vow to make some mom friends so I'll be good.

21 comments:

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I have parents like that last mom....I usually shut them down pretty quickly....just don't get paid enough to deal with that kind of crazy! OR...maybe that kind of crazy hits a LITTLE too close to home!

....it's one of those two!

Jennifer said...

Sounds like Neurotic Mom just looks for stuff to worry about!

Good luck making friends with the other moms. Just beware of the one-sided playdates that you always host, and when they call you and say "What are you doing?", always have a response that sounds like you are knee deep in torturous tasks or you will be stuck with extra kids... Never, ever respond to that question with, "Nothing!"

Marmite Breath said...

Classic Lotta! Evil and hilarious.

Florinn said...

Oh, you are evil like me. I have this secret longing next time someone tells me they homeschool and expects me to be awestruck, to respond with, "Oh...well, that's trendy, isn't it?"

Mamma said...

You have no idea how much I wish we lived closer!!!

PS--You're the totally cute mom that is intimidating everyone else. You're a babe.

Lotta said...

Florin - Don't even get me started.

Mama - I gare-uhn-tee you that is not the case. I was at my purtiest at BlogHer. That happens about once or twice a year.

BoggyWoggy said...

Oh, man! What a great observer you are! I am not teaching in a classroom this year...instead, I'm the ESL teacher and the Literacy/Intstructional Coach in a new-to-me school. I was visiting my friend, a Kindergarten teacher, and witnessed a rather large mother enter with a list of demands...literally a list to be read, deliberated over, and followed. I stepped out, into the next classroom, and used the phone to call the building secretary. Within a few seconds, the secretary paged my teacher friend over the school intercom: "Mrs. W____, you're needed in the office." As my friend left the classroom and Mrs. Blabber-mouth/KNnow-It-All/List-Maker, she smiled at me, realizing what had just happened...
Heh, heh, heh...

~JJ! said...

Oh Man, why can't I have you in my kid's class?..we'd get along swimmingly.

I hate all the parents in her school...and it's a co-op. I know.

They are such Butt-smoochers and they irritate me to no limit.

I always had 'mosquito parents' in my classroom too...They always buzzed around the entrance to the school..or if they were PTA, the entrance to the class...Always bombarded me with silly neurotic questions...

I think I'll do that too...for my own justice I mean.

mommiebear2 said...

I dont know about you, but, every year I purchase the school supplies that are on the list like asked - and I NEVER see these things again. ever. Hubby thinks the teachers take them home or something.

adymommy said...

I complained about Ady's preschool school supplies but they weren't that bad. There was the issue of the glue sticks, which I still have yet to figure out the reasoning, the girls had to have the "goes on purple dries clear" sticks and the boys had to have "white or blue" sticks. They all go in the same box.
ANYWAY! I am pretty sure I am the worst parent in preschool and NOBODY talks to me. We started late in the year last year and everybody knows everybody else from YMCA memberships. I thought I was done being the "new kid" when I got out of school.

Congrats on preschool starting! We were excited at my house.

Lotta said...

Boggy - Being loopy myself I usually have sympathy for my fellow nutcases. Cause this lady wasn't mean, just really, really neurotic. She made me look sane!

Gretchen said...

We have preschool orientation Friday.

I'll be the one yawning in the back and interruping the neurotics with "can you discuss this later?"

Funny thing, too be cause we have the same teacher for the Toddler as the Boy had last year. She knows me and I know her. I can't wait.

I am hoping to find someone to car-pool with...

bfmomma said...

First of all, I love "kiss me on the butt"... my kids learned that one pretty early, too :)

Secondly, the specific brand-name school supplies are annoying, but you know what annoys me even more? The fact that I drove to no less than a dozen stores trying to find Elmer's super sized glue sticks that were NOT purple, and dropped $3 apiece on them (they needed SIX!) and then brought them in to find out that the kids SHARE school supplies and some other parents had bought the 10cent apiece tiny glue sticks available anywhere, and it didn't matter. ARGH!

And blogs are for releasing the passive-aggressiveness... let it all out :)

tee hee...

Super B's Mom said...

This post is awesome. You are the all-seeing, all-knowing Preschool Mom. :)

Heather said...

The whole preschool making friends with the mommies, trying to keep everyone happy thing is EXHAUSTING! I did 2 years of a co-op and 1 year at a church run school and thankfully came away from it with one really good friend and relatively well socialized children--what more could I ask.

nikki said...

Real Dial soap?!??! Hehehehehe buy the Dial soap container, empty the contents to use for yourself and buy one of those big refill containers of the store brand stuff and see what happens. It's like your own science experiment.

Joyce said...

ooo I am so glad you dont come to my school.....you would be such a baaaad influence lol

TZT said...

I don't have the preschool experience to compare, but I'm glad there's another mom out there who prefers the Replacements (or the Pogues, or the sound of a dental drill) over the Wiggles.

Jenifer said...

I am so the Mom with my husbands T-shirt and sweat pants on at everything!

I just can't be bothered to dress up, who cares?

Anonymous said...

Me again...

This blog really made me laugh.

My sister (she of the Preferred Communication Through E-Mail) is Super Mom. Her car is spotless. She is organized. Her children listen to educational shows and kid's music, at home and in the car.

I need to Zen when I am in the car. Driving has become an offensive (as opposed to "defensive") "sport" where we live. I'd rather spend some time in Abu Gharib than be trapped in traffic with "The Wheels on the Bus Go 'Round and 'Round."

No doubt my sister would find this selfish.

At any rate, from the beginning, my kids were exposed to music. When I was pregnant with my son, I inundated the poor little fetus with Mozart. He tolerated it. But he REALLY dug Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water".

I was the mother explaining to her kids that "That is Eric Clapton, and this song is called 'Layla'. The piano coda on this is EPIC."

They knew the words to several Simon & Garfunkel songs by the time they hit Preschool. They may be the only little kids that know that the "Lone Ranger Song" (as if anyone remembers the Lone Ranger) is actually called "The William Tell Overture."

Oh, okay, FINE... so I stopped playing Prince's "Erotic City" when the little buggers started to act like mynah birds, but they still like the occasional "Baby Got Back" and "Whoomp! There It Is!"

Like their mother, they like things with a good beat.

Two years ago, Mom took me to the symphony for some selections from Wagner. For reasons surpassing my understanding, even that Mom's paternal family was fluent in German, Mom knows little more than "Gesundheit", how to count to four, and a few phrases.

I was enthralled. I love Wagner, Holst and Orff. I kept offering to translate, and Mom kept shushing me. She said she was busily pretending to be somewhere else, and described three hours of Wagner as "the longest three fucking hours of [her] life."

She's appalled that I don't have the original version of "Roll Over, Beethoven" in my car.

Lotta said...

I played Ralph's World till my ears bled. I was starting to have fantasies about the man because I heard his voice more than my husbands. So we listen to regular radio quite a bit. I think it's good for the kids to be exposed to Blues, Jazz, Rock..all that!

PS - Your sister likely screams in the closet at night. Either that or she has really good meds and needs to disclose her brand to the rest of us.