Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds

Depression is a funny thing. We know that it makes us sad, but sometimes we don't realize how when we get blue it feels like we're walking through pea soup. It makes us make decisions, or forget to do things that we normally would never choose or forget. I know that I was fighting my way back from a one year post-partum whomp when I made this decision. Every now and then it likes to come back and sit on my chest. Making me feel like I can't breathe for my stupidity. I don't even recognize who I was in that moment. But I do know that I was overdone, exhausted and spent at that time.

Plain Jane recently posted about how beat down she was feeling and how she hadn't had much sleep lately. Then today I read about this sad accident with her dog Lucy. I was lucky enough to get to know Plain Jane a bit at BlogHer and I can tell you that she is a kind and loving person so it breaks my heart to see her go through this loss. Please stop over and give her your sympathy and encouraging comments. I know that what all of you wrote to me got me through the paralyzing shame that I heaped (heap) on myself for my mistake.

And please know that if you are feeling like you've got nothing left, get a sitter and take some time. I don't care if you have to overdraft the bank. Lie to your spouse and tell them it was a medical co-pay if you have to. But get the rest and space you need to figure out how to take care of yourself. Cause as much as we might want someone to tuck us in and take over, we're the only ones that can cut ourselves a break.

9 comments:

~JJ! said...

You are awesome.

Thank your all of that...

You are not alone and you are a wonderful Mamma.

momofdom said...

We are all good mums, even on bad days. All we can do is try our best.
With that being said, and instead of playing on the computer tonight, I'm going to bed and getting some much needed rest. We women sometimes have way to much on our plates and need to take a step back and take care of ourselves.

slackermommy said...

Amen! I've gotten myself into quite a funk recently. I feel so depleted and defeated that I went on strike for a day. I went out and got me some pampering to help rejuvenate me. I have found that if I don't get some "me" time I'm not very pleasant to be around.

I'm glad you wrote this. Us moms need a reminder and permission every now and then to take care of ourselves.

Erika, Plain Jane Mom said...

Thanks so much for your support Lotta. It means a great deal to me.

Angelina said...

I think moms need frequent reminders that unless they get some time off they will implode. I think this is true for all people, men and women, parents or not, but I think the nature of being a mom makes it especially difficult to cut out those blocks of alone time needed.

Plus there is so much fucking pressure to be a fantastic parent these days and so many women think that to be a great mom you must give everything to your children, even your sanity.

When you're a mom with depression, it's just that much more challenging. I demand alone time when I'm not getting enough and it always helps me come back to my kid with a clearer head and I can give him a better quality mom.

I love it when you talk about these issues.

BoggyWoggy said...

I just have to spill my guts. I've held this in for SOOOO long. Your message opened the wound right back up.
See, we have to be perfect because there are so many bad folks out there.
My mom left us in the car ALL THE TIME! We would play with the "lighter" which is now called an outlet. We melted plastic cigarette box wrappers. We lit the edges of our sleeves. We even "branded" the bottoms of our shoes!
Once, I did what you did...left the kids sleeping in their carseats, while I ran into a place to make a quick bill payment. When I came out, there was a homeless dude standing by the car, tapping on the window. He said, "The cops are on the way. Some woman just called them on her cell phone." SHIT!!! I had to decide whether I should drive away or sit and wait. I opted to wait. I got lectured by the cops. See, I was really, really depressed and alone at that time. My husband was doing his PhD at UC Berkeley. I had a toddler (2) and a newborn (3 months) and hadn't slept in weeks! I had no friends. I had taken a year's leave from work in order to stay home with the babies...and ended up living in family housing outside of Oakland, CA. It was a drug-infested, filthy place to be.
We'll have to talk sometime!!!

BoggyWoggy said...

OH, and my sister-in-law had a funny sticker on her fridge...it said, "Women don't fart, sweat, nor burp. Therefore, we MUST bitch or we'll explode!"

Lotta said...

Boggy - How terrifying to see the homeless guy hanging out. We had just been through a bankruptcy due to 100K plus in medical bills. It was after Christmas and I was already blue. Then I was just having a panic attack about the excess of gifts we had to give and get. I was running around returning things in a total anxiety meltdown and that errand was my very last one. Def. not a great frame of mind.

I'm so glad you shared your story too, it means the world to me!

Plain Jane - You got it. Hugs.

Everyone - Once again, you make me life so much sweeter with your nice comments. Thank you.

Charmed said...

I have been there too. Depression is a very dark and scary place. Add in anxiety and you are a total mess. It is all you can do to get through the day. I hated the mornings, it meant I had the entire day to get through. I am better now and on medication. You are not a bad Mommy. We all have our days and our moments.