Strawberries and Fart

There is a mom at our preschool that I christened Strawberry Mom after she spent a half an hour at orientation making us pinky swear that we wouldn't bring any berries for snack time. Not because her son was allergic to them but because she thinks he kind of might be. Cause one time. At a party. He ate a berry. And got a rash. And then this one time.....

Last week she started swooning at the top of the stairs. Wait let me start over. Swooning after she climbed the 3 steps up from the preschool room. Cause, one time. She passed out. After climbing the stairs. And so she has to be really really really careful.....


But today was the kicker when she announced to all the moms that her son would not be able
to attend my son's birthday party cause of the theme. Robots, Rockets and Rayguns. She had an objection to the Rayguns. I offered to make sure that there were no actual rayguns on the premises during the party, but no luck.

So next week. I'm going to wear these earrings. Eat a strawberry a pop tart and run up and down the stairs past her with a smile. Too much?


***************

I totally dealt it at the beauty shop yesterday. See there is this salon inside our gym. You can put your kids in the daycare and then go get your hair cut right after you've stopped by the pawn shop to sell your wedding ring to pay for it.

But thanks to Slacker Mom's donation to my piggy bank I had a few bucks in my pocket and was browsing their
clearance Aveda products when poot. A silent and deadly slipped out and I casually took off before it could waft over to the reception area.

15 minutes later my ADD has kicked in and I have totally forgotten that I pooted. So I wander back into the salon and book an eyebrow wax with my mad money. I have the wax and then walk out - totally forgetting to pay for it.

So now I'm known as the lady who farts, forces someone to rip out her excess facial hair and then leaves without paying. Thank God, at last I'm gonna get rid of my Ikea ICrazy rep.

*Yes I went back and paid for it later that night.

14 comments:

Jennifer said...

LMAO. Are you sure you can't make it to North Georgia tonight because I'm having a cocktail party. :)

You should have told that lady that her absence was fine but she still needed to send a gift because son goes into hysterics when he's shafted.

Kelly said...

LOL...you should totally wear those earrings. Make sure they're huge so that lady can't miss them, and then maybe realize that her child isn't the only child on the planet. Actually the whole thing will probably be lost on her. Instead she'll ask you to take them off because her precious is allergic or has been traumatized somehow by big gaudy plastic earrings.

Miss Jess said...

Your fart story reminds me of everytime I go into the ladies room after lunch. It smells like serious rank in there. But every girl that walks in there doesn't make eye contact with you in fear that maybe you or they were the one that dealt the awful smell. We are humans people!!! Women at that! We fart, take dumps, burb... you know all of the un lady like things that we are not suppose to do let alone talk about. Just cracks me up and had to share!

me said...

a salon...INSIDE the gym, with daycare?!!!!!? This is the stuff of which my fantasies are made. of course I don't need the daycare anymore but still....i need to get outta the sticks more often.


I feel so deprived now....

colorbox said...

What an bummer it all must be for her son. The no strawberries rule is bad enough...but to miss out on a party at Lotta's!?? Major bummer!

Wendy said...

I saw get a raygun that is set up to shoot strawberries directly at her from atop the tall, tall 3 step in Preschool. Then poot (I love that by the way) and run.

Gretchen said...

Unfortunately, I think most every class has a mom like that.

Poor kid.

And the pooting? It's happened to all of us -

Tilly said...

Damn you woman - I thought I'd weaned myself off Lady Luck, and then I just clicked on that link... it snuck up on me, now I've got to go and spend some money.

Dagnabbit.

BoggyWoggy said...

Oh, man...at least it was silent! I was at an antique shop with a friend last week...I had gone to the very back corner to look at some Shawnee pottery. I pooted...not thinking much about it until later, in the car, my friend said, "It echoed in the store." I said, "What did?" and she said, "Your fart. I heard it."

g-man said...

You should see what preschool mom's reaction would be to a SBD. :)

I'm sorry but we are going to have to withdraw our son from this school if there is going to be fecal particulates and methane in the air (or force him to wear a mask, which would be funnier.)

slackermommy said...

And one time at band camp... That mom is a freak!

I love you. You never cease to make me laugh.

Mitzi Green said...

i'll shoot strawberry mom with a raygun for you. geez, someone didn't get enough attention when she was a child, huh?

Mama en Fuego said...

I object to your odiferous eminations because this one time, i was on the stairs, eating a strawberry and a furry eyed woman with a ray gun farted on me and OHMYGOD I almost passed out.

Oh, The Joys said...

This one time. (today). I nearly passed out. because. I came here. and I was like. behind. on like. SEVEN posts. SEVEN!! But I. like. read them. all. and now I am like. totally. caught up. but I had to comment. here. becuase that mom. crac ks me up.