Church Rep

So. If you haven't already heard - my father is a Minister. I am a Minister's daughter. Which is why some people say I have a tendency to take my clothes off after I've been drinking too much. But some people need to remember that their husband's don't know they flashed the bar like a mom gone wild last month and so they better stop yapp'n!

Anyway, I'm a very bad minister's daughter because we don't go to church very often. The main reason being that my father's church does not have a nursery. The Lutheran school of parenting believes that your kids need to sit their hinder on that hard wooden pew for an hour and like it! And you also need to attend the Sunday school that starts an hour before church. And but of course you will be staying for the Lutefisk Luncheon served by the Ladies Quilt Guild, eh? Oh yah!

But this Christmas I was watching my father up in the pulpit and feeling pretty sentimental. I should be bringing these kids to church every darn Sunday. They can see their grandfather preach, heck maybe I'll pitch in for the Lefsa Luncheon! Then my son went up to the alter for the children's sermon and pitched forward, hitting the prayer-kneeling-rail thing with the corner of this eye. And when son cries with pain, it's not a whimper, a sniffle or even a sob. It's an outraged "WHY ME GOD? WHY HAS THOU FORSAKEN ME?!" wail. He is betrayed and anguished and very very loud. So I run up to the alter, scoop him up and try to find ice to put on his eye. But there's no ice to be found, cause we're Lutherans and we only drink black coffee so we don't need ice. Eh? Oh yah!

Eventually son is settled and sucking on a candy cane so I try to stand up and bring daughter to the front for communion. The communion line that our family is leading, in front of the entire church. She immediately bitch slaps me. SWAP - across my left cheek. SWAP - across my right cheek. "PUT ME DOWN!!! IWANNACANDYCANE!". Husband swoops her up and brings her out to the hallway to beat her calm her down. He tried sneaking her back in during the sermon but she immediately began giving him a smack down that made it very clear I had gotten off quite easy.

Son now has a black eye and daughter's had so many time outs I think she misunderstands their purpose. "Sit down in that chair you say? Why I am quite tired, thank you mother I might just rest a bit." As for church this Sunday? I think the church will have to wait till Easter to see our encore performance.
Eh? Oh yah!


CresceNet said...

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so tired said...

Do you think it's a message? Maybe the Satan in her was getting a little testy being in church and all.

Just kidding, but I have to say my late Grandmother would say it's because you don't take them often enough that they don't know how to behave when they are there. So she would tell you to keep bringing them every Sunday and by the time Easter rolls around they'll be perfect little angels helping their Grandfather lead the sermon.

Mama Drama Jenny, the Bloggess said...

You are a braver girl than I, my friend.

Jennifer said...

Poor Son!

Daughter sure is getting sassy since that little French-girl haircut!

A Soldier's Wife..... said...

This is why they invented CHILDREN'S CHURCH!



Tilly said...

My FiL is a Minister too - they've long since stopped trying to convert me, but I do let them take Mini Mint to church with them on Sunday.

Familiies with children have to sit at the back of their church - so that they can make a hasty retreat when the little darlings get antsy.

Mini Mint is usually armed with plenty of colouring books and Thomas toys; and can be found heading up the queue for biscuits at the after sermon 'get together'.

My MiL says that he is great in church, but I have friends who go to the same church who regale me with tales of what the little bugger has been upto.

I think all young children are probably going to struggle through a full sermon, but the more they go, the more they'll get used to it.

Plus - it means I can drag my arse back to bed for a couple of hours on Sunday, while Mini Mint is with his grandparents.

Wendy said...

We are Catholics, so there is no Sunday school and there is no nursery, EVER. Our priest often comments how nice it is to have the kids at the masses. I think he is grateful that we sit in the not-so-quiet-room.

This room will contain the normal wailing child, so they can calm down and return to the mass with everyone else. Not us, these are our reserved seats. Hubby asked me, just this pass Sunday, will we ever get out of the quiet room? Not until we expell son's demons and quiet daughter's restless spirit. I say our seats will be reserved for a long, long time.

We do douse the boy with holy water ever Sunday. There are no burn marks, yet, so I think the demons have a hard hold on him.

So you are not the only one.

Kelly said...

I'm a Lutheran pastor's grandkid. I think I now understand you even more!lol But I have to say...what Lutheran church is your pops running there? At the one I grew up in (I have to say the one I grew up in because I haven't gone in so many years and I can't really it call it the one I go to anymore) the kids are escorted out for entertainment after the kid's sermon. I say you suggest that with a little scorn in your voice to your father...what? no?

Gretchen said...

When we go, we go to one that has a nursery and the kids go to sunday school during the service.

Sounds like you certainly had your hands full!

barefoot gardener said...

Being a former Lutheran, this post brought back so many memories! Oh, I remember those pews, and the smackdown sessions, and the lutefisk and lefse. Oh, and the soup suppers before Lenten services (I actually liked those).

Thanks for the walk down memory lane!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you had your hands full. My family goes to a church that has a children's service because of some of these reasons and as a nursery worker, I see why some kids do not need to be in church at their young ages. They can't sit still for ten minutes, let alone one hour.

Belle in Bloom said...

So sorry, but that cracked me up! I'm glad I'm not the only one with little devils in church.

Diana said...

Uh Oh, you're Ch-Easters! ;)

For the record, I can't even sit still through a sermon, no way could I expect the kids to.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I am very thankful that my church employs the "divide and conquer" tactic. They deal with my two children, while Mr. Mayhem and I sit peacefully in adult church!

The Princess will be too old for children's church in September and neither one of us are looking forward to the transition!

Oh, The Joys said...

Church of the zoo, baby. Church of the zoo.

IamSusie said...

At our church, we do communion by walking up to the altar and dipping the bread in a cup of grape juice. Last month, I dropped my bread in the cup and since we sit close to the front, the rest of my half of the church had to be grossed out by my floating square of the Bread of Life.

The month before, my daughter lost her tooth in the communion line and it was a bit of a bloody mess.

Megan said...

I'm sorry, but reading this post I laughed my tush off. I was raised Lutheran so I get ya. We had a cry room, but you were looked down upon if you actually had to (gasp) use it.

Lotta said...

Megan - Always happy to help a fellow Lutheran get a laugh.