Kate has been moved to a nursing home for the time being. She was able to get the chemo beads inserted into her liver tumor. But during the operation the enlarged varicose veins in her throat burst when the breathing tube was removed. I guess this is a common side effect with the diseases she is dealing with as it's happened to her before. It's a gruesome side effect, and quite painful.
I've called her twice since our visit, and sent a card. But her friends have been calling me once or even twice a day asking me to call her and visit her more. And it's making me want to hide under a rock. I feel like going near Kate right now would be like swimming near a drowning person. She's grabbing and clinging and saying whatever she thinks will bring us closer in what she thinks are her last moments. "I'm only living for you!" or "You're energy is the only thing worth living for."
If my mother, my real mother, were saying these things to me they would break my heart. They would make me want to tell her it was ok to let go if she needed to. To be there every second holding her hand. But when Kate says it to me it makes me want to run like hell. But to stop talking with her, isn't that like asking her to give me up twice?
So I'm trying to stay sane and be as humane and kind as I can. But I feel like I'm cruel. And I also want to go run and hide under the nearest rock. I can tell I'm burying myself under crafting, etsy, reading, blogging and pretty much anything that keeps my focus turned away from real life. But what's making me really sad is that while I'm shining my attention on those things it's leaving my family in the dark. The kids aren't getting the attention they need, and husband is sitting upstairs while I'm sitting downstairs in my workshop.
So today we are having a kid fantasy day. We're hitting the movies and Ed Debevic's with my Etsy earnings. And I'm going to hire a sitter so husband and I can go get some hot wings and a big (BIG) cold beer. And I made a bunch of cards that I'm going to send every couple of days to Kate's room.
I hope that's enough cause it's all I've got right now.