Mean Thoughts

I took a little time off since I last spoke with Kate. I just needed a breather between calls and visits. But I didn't want her to feel like I dropped out so I sent a few cards to her. I figured that having something to prop up in the room and show the nurses would make her happy.

But today husband guilted me into a phone call. "You'll regret it later if you don't." Which, in retrospect, kind of pissed me off. But that's another story. Kate is having a hard time speaking and sounds pretty awful. The conversation also reminded me of speaking with a drunk that is trying to convince you they are sober. They keep telling you they're just fine, when they clearly are not.

I know I should be thinking how wonderful it is that she's such a positive thinker. Keeping her spirits up and such. But mostly, it just bothers me that she's fighting so hard. She's going to continue to fight and be in horrible pain for a long time. Is that awful? Part of me worries that it's my own selfishness talking. That maybe I want her to let go so that I don't have the burden. Because talking with a dying person who doesn't want to die is so very difficult.

And then as I tried to go to sleep tonight it dawned on me that I had a whole other fear cropping up. Yes, Kate was an alcoholic. Yes, she abused drugs. And that's why she is in this condition. But I can't help but worry if I'm going to be in her position when I'm older. Is my biology destining me to a similarly painful end?

When I was at the Ear Nose and Throat Doctor last week we got a litle surprise. I had taken son in to see if we couldn't figure out how to help his perptual cold. While we were there the Doctor looked at daughter and gasped. Apparently, her tonsils are "dangerously large". The doctor assured me that he is very conservative about removing them. But that hers were turned in, pushed forward, and nearly touching. He said he was concerned that if she became too congested she might have trouble breathing. Right. Cause that's not going to keep me up till 2 AM checking to make sure her litte chest rises and falls. Nuh. Uh.

We got pushed to the top of the surgery schedule and daughter will be getting her tonsils and adenoids removed this coming Wednesday. This would normally turn me into a nervous Nelly. But because of everything going on with Kate I've got a white knuckle hold on my Xanax right now. Fearing fate is going to play a nasty trick on me and make Kate well and daughter...not well.

Gah! Why didn't anyone tell me that motherhood is such a heartbreaker.


meera said...

motherhood, or mothering (my own experience is limited to this)...has got to be the most complicated, depth ridden, heart soaring and plunging experience on earth. The range of potential emotions can be overwhelming, no?

I hope that you can be gentle on yourself...because it sounds like a lot is on your plate right now. And poor daughter...inflamed tonsils suck. Hope she's feeling better lickety split.

"you'll regret it later" Ha! I don't buy into most gender stereotypes....but that is SUCH a guy thing to say. BF does shit like that all the time. There is always some wisdom to it...but still...not entirely helpful. I think it may be hopeless :) On my end at least :)

Katrina said...

We aren't told how heartbreaking motherhood can be because no one would ever become a mom if they knew.

I'm sorry about your little one, but I think she'll be a-ok. My 13yo had some similar tonsil/adenoid issues a few months ago (why is it always J giving me heart attacks? i smell a conspiracy!) Just be glad the docs found it and it will be taken care of.

I also know what you're feeling with Kate is very normal. Don't beat yourself up over that. It's not like this isn't a pretty complicated situation without the terminal illness thrown in!

Hang in there, chickadee, and know I'm here for ya!

EmbracingKatrina said...

Yep, sometimes motherhood is a kick in the teeth, huh?

My sis had the unusually large tonsils, but the doc never wanted to remove them. Until she was in her 20's and having sleep apnea episodes, that is. The recovery is way easier on a tot than a 20 year old!

I know surgery is scary. We had my sons adenoids and tonsils removed. But it really does help. She'll be better than ever before you know it!

Hetha said...

I don't think you have to worry that you and Kate have a similar fate. You've made totally different choices from the start and there is just no way you'll end suffering that way, especially with your husband supporting you.

I know oh too well how hard it is to send your baby into surgery, but once it's over you'll be so relieved to have it behind you and she'll be fine.

Take care Lotta, you're under a lot of stress so be good to yourself.

Mama Drama Jenny, the Bloggess said...

You are not Kate. You're not. And you won't be.

And you're not responsible for being a saint to help her into death peacefully. Yes, she's your biological mother and yes, she's a person...but she's not the same mom who took care of you every time you were sick so it's totally human that you wouldn't feel the same urge to do that with her. No guilt, my friend.

Also, I had my tonsils out when I was a kid and it was a piece of cake. Except that all they had was cherry popsicles. I HATE cherry popsicles. Bring her some banana ones.

PamKittyMorning said...

Yes, popsicles.. that's the key. And not over thinking stuff. Dear little daughter will be fine. Good thing they caught it now!

Aimee Greeblemonkey said...

OK, here's the thing. I have had that child of an alcoholic fear my whole life. And my mom, my therapist, and everyone else says that - when you feel like you NEED a drink, that's when you don't have one. And it helps. If I really NEED one, I never do.

And hugs on the tonsil surgery - I know it's scary but I am sure it will all be for the best. xoxo

Oh, The Joys said...

My sweet friend. I don't think the two are connected at all. Take deep breaths... and lots of Xanax (possibly the worlds greatest drug ever, no?)


mommiebear2 said...


Gretchen said...

I don't really know what to say. Again. I've been quite a loss for words lately.

Big Hugs from chilly MN.

Mamma said...

You know...! Life really can be a kick in the pants.

I wish I was closer my friend. I would stand right by your side when you felt the need to lean.

I am here though.

Anonymous said...

I'm not a Mom but I did have my tonsils out when I was 5 or 6. That was 25 years ago and I was fine. Medicine has come along way since then.

She's gonna be just fine!

Atlanta, GA

Queen of the Mayhem said...

It is never fun to see a doctor become concerned after looking at one of your children!

I am sure she will be fine...but I will be praying for her...just in case! :)