I took a little time off since I last spoke with Kate. I just needed a breather between calls and visits. But I didn't want her to feel like I dropped out so I sent a few cards to her. I figured that having something to prop up in the room and show the nurses would make her happy.
But today husband guilted me into a phone call. "You'll regret it later if you don't." Which, in retrospect, kind of pissed me off. But that's another story. Kate is having a hard time speaking and sounds pretty awful. The conversation also reminded me of speaking with a drunk that is trying to convince you they are sober. They keep telling you they're just fine, when they clearly are not.
I know I should be thinking how wonderful it is that she's such a positive thinker. Keeping her spirits up and such. But mostly, it just bothers me that she's fighting so hard. She's going to continue to fight and be in horrible pain for a long time. Is that awful? Part of me worries that it's my own selfishness talking. That maybe I want her to let go so that I don't have the burden. Because talking with a dying person who doesn't want to die is so very difficult.
And then as I tried to go to sleep tonight it dawned on me that I had a whole other fear cropping up. Yes, Kate was an alcoholic. Yes, she abused drugs. And that's why she is in this condition. But I can't help but worry if I'm going to be in her position when I'm older. Is my biology destining me to a similarly painful end?
When I was at the Ear Nose and Throat Doctor last week we got a litle surprise. I had taken son in to see if we couldn't figure out how to help his perptual cold. While we were there the Doctor looked at daughter and gasped. Apparently, her tonsils are "dangerously large". The doctor assured me that he is very conservative about removing them. But that hers were turned in, pushed forward, and nearly touching. He said he was concerned that if she became too congested she might have trouble breathing. Right. Cause that's not going to keep me up till 2 AM checking to make sure her litte chest rises and falls. Nuh. Uh.
We got pushed to the top of the surgery schedule and daughter will be getting her tonsils and adenoids removed this coming Wednesday. This would normally turn me into a nervous Nelly. But because of everything going on with Kate I've got a white knuckle hold on my Xanax right now. Fearing fate is going to play a nasty trick on me and make Kate well and daughter...not well.
Gah! Why didn't anyone tell me that motherhood is such a heartbreaker.