Kate, My Last Story

(I realize this isn't the fun Mom O Matic that we both like to have around. So I think this is my last Kate post.)

We're home. And daughter is tucked into bed with about 2 million stuffed animals and a good dose of Tylenol. I think this is the first quiet moment I've had since I heard about Kate dying. When I first found her we spent a lot of time emailing, and then talking on the phone before we met. I think both of us needed to ease into it.

Tonight, I'm feeling like my memories of her are slippery. And so reading some of the good stories she shared with me during our first round of emails is nice. This is a note she wrote that talks about her time at St. Mary's Home For Unwed Mother's in Green Bay, WI.

I had pleasant memories surface after I spoke with you yesterday. I
remembered being in the home when I was P.G. and how excited I was to
feel movement. I remember the girls I was close to there and I had our
hands on each others' tummys feeling kicks and jumps. It was one of the
fun parts of being there.

I also remembered going to Dr. visits with other girls and stopping at a
place that might have been called Roy Rogers to have choc malts and fish
and chips. You never moved much after that delight, it must have put you
to sleep.

Thanks for the memories.

Bless your heart,



One of the commenters of my last post mentioned sending some pictures to her child's addicted, biological mother. Here is my caution; understand that her life might have been a difficult one and that she too will be entering the relationship with needs and expectations that you might not even imagine. And if she is someone who had or has an addiction her sense of boundaries are going to be skewed.

Kate was a wonderful intelligent and spiritual woman. But that feeling that she was so needful of me was too much at times. And the abuse she suffered was a large part of what she felt she often needed to share with me.
You were not conceived out of violence. The physical abuse came later
after I was PG. Your father wanted me to get an abortion which I would
not do. So he tried to make me lose the baby and also used rape and
physical abuse as a way to control me. You were strong even in the womb.
I was with him for six months of my life and then I ran.
I am sad I won't hear Kate's stories and I am relieved I won't hear her stories. I hope that the harder memories she shared will fade to the back. And I will be left with the stories that show me how incredibly brave and strong and wonderful she was. I already miss knowing that she was out there, and always welcoming of me. Mostly, I'm happy I could be there for her in the end as she was for me in the beginning.


PamKittyMorning said...

huge hugs lotta xo

Katrina said...

Sending huge huge hugs.

Wendy said...

Lotta, this is my first comment but I've been reading your blog for nearly a year. Too many of us feel like unless we are being funny or sassy that no one wants to listen. Please know that we have lessons to learn from the sad and poignant aspects of your life as well as the funny and entertaining ones! You don't have to be funny ALL the time (just most of it...kidding!)

debbie said...

I just caught up on your blog and you are always a great read even when your not funny. You have great communication skills and really know how to engage us in your world. Sad, funny, pissed, or frazzled, it has been wonderful getting to know you. Thank you!

Little Monkies said...

You are strong.

Big hug to you, my friend.

EmbracingKatrina said...

That was a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing such an emotional experience with us.

Hetha said...

I just think you're the coolest person Lotta. You can blog in whatever tone feels right at the time and your readers are still going to eat it up.

Marymurtz said...

I'm so glad I came upon your blog; it's important for me to know the stories of people who have experienced what you (and Kate) have.

My daughter's birth mother has no contact with us, and in fact, has not seen our daughter in almost two years. Any photos I send her have to be through the state, through a caseworker. Factually, I don't have any way of even knowing if she's still alive, in our city, or anything. It breaks my heart to think that not only has she lost all her children, but that she has no way of knowing anything whatsoever about the only one she voluntarily relinquished.

The time, the communication, you had with Kate could really be considered a gift. I'm sure it was very difficult, that it could be depressing, uncomfortable, or even infuriating. But you gave her something special in her last days that so many people in her situation probably would never have, and I admire you for that.

Lotta said...

Mary - I emailed you in greater detail. It was a gift, absolutely. But meeting your birth mother isn't something that should be romanticized. It can be a tough interaction. So I'm not saying not to contact her, just do so with care.

Mama Drama Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Everything you write is beautiful. Everything.

Never hold back who you are.

M'Lynn said...

You don't have to be funny. You just have to be you, glorious you.

I'm glad that you are blogging.

Naimhe said...

First rule of reunion: bmoms aren't to share their pain with their kids unless specifically asked. Sad that Kate hadn't been exposed to those of us who could have smoothed the way for her. I'm sorry for your loss - and hers.