Free Facial

For the last year I've been feeling like I looked super old. The texture of my skin was all, I don't know..old. So I've been gooping out trying to find the perfect combo. And I'm and adventurous gooper as I actually put vagina cream on my face when I wanted to look extra special for BlogHer07. Yes, you read that correctly, VA-GI-NA cream. And my face was glowy and lovely, but I heard it was bad for you. And frankly, I felt a bit sorry for the unsuspecting that kissed my cheeks.

Then I bid on Canadian Preparation H cream on Ebay. Why Canadian? Other than the fact that Canadians crack me up - the Canadian version of Preparation H was the same formula that your grandmother smeared on all 4 of her rosy cheeks. While the stuff we make in the states just isn't the original recipe. It worked quite well, but was a very temporary solution as I ended up looking just as oldass by the next morning.


But I think I've stumbled on a most amazing skin care ritual. My skin looks younger and smoother and more acne free than it has in years. And it requires no cream that was originally intended for your nether-regions either. Here it is.

1.) Wash your face with Cetaphil® Gentle Skin Cleanser. Not the stuff that comes in a pump for combo skin. You need first edition Cetaphil. You'll know you've bought the correct bottle if it has the consistency of..well..jizz. Your hands haven't been this full of white gunk since high school. But rub it on your DRY face and then rinse off. You might need a separate eye makeup remover - but I just wash my face twice and it works.

2.) Every third day use Avon's ANEW Clinical peel. It stings a bit. But so does getting older, so rub it on sister.

3.) Look under all the couch cushions, pilfer from husband's wallet, whatever you have to do but buy a jar of Murad Essential-C Daily Renewal Complex. Rub it on your just washed face on all the nights you don't use the peel. If your face gets too redish, scale it back to every other night you don't do the peel. It costs 90 bucks. I've never spent so much on a face cream in my entire life. But this stuff is the shit. Especially, if like me you once considered baby oil and peroxide a great suntan lotion. A tiny smear of this cream takes away the tiny lines and the nasty sun ripened senior texture of your skin.

That's it. Use a light lotion in the morning with your makeup. Always wash your face. Every night. Even if you're weaving drunk like I was this past Saturday night and the bathroom looks like it was hosed down after you're done - do it man.

13 comments:

Azure Islands Designs said...

Your feature on the face is hilarious...but don't laugh my aunt used Preperation H under her eyes as she said it helped with the puffyness...I've never tried it and won't...as my skin is super sensitive!!! We must be related you have the same skin I do...it seems to have gotten old in the last 6 months...I certianly don't want to catch up to it...yuk!!! I've been using Cetaphil for years...love it...never used any kind of peels though...I'm afraid of what I would look like after!!! :) I may take a look at the Murad cream you mentioned ...since I am one of those who used baby oil...it was wonderful them wasn't it...cheers Heather

Jennifer said...

Isn't it crazy how much we will spend on face stuff?

Little Monkies said...

Ok, Lotta, I have to disagree with you. I go to a really awesome aesthetician (did I even spell that right?) and she says NOT to wash your face unless you have heavy makeup on, and then use nothing with soap in it. A light toner is better to remove makeup and stuff and then PILE ON the moisturizer at night. You may not have to reapply in the morning (I do) and always use sunscreen, even in the cloudy winter (esp then) And don't by moisturizer with mineral oil in in. Buy a good cream if you can swing it. She also says *no* peeling or abrasiveness. If you wouldn't put it on your baby's face (think of the chemicals in a mask), don't but it on yours. Avoid hot water (I disregard this advice), if possible.


No washing face, loads of moisturizer, no peeling, baby your face.

I don't know but I have no wrinkles as a result of her advice and rarely ever have a breakout. It works, is simple and quick. Spend the money you save from not buying cleanser and put it into the moisturizer.

marymurtz said...

Stay out of the sun.

I remove the makeup at night, wash with Olay foaming face wash, and then put on some alpha-hydroxy acid type moisturizer morning and night. I get compliments on my skin, but I think mostly it's staying out of the sun.

Lotta said...

LM - I think using Cetaphil is incredibly gentle and soap free. I have acne so I wear makeup every day. I'm glad what you're doing is working for you though! I'm just excited to be clear skinned and have fading wrinkles with this routine.

Lotta said...

Mary - The no sun is key!

kathi d said...

OMG I am so glad you found me so that I could find YOU! Love your blog! I believe you may be the child my mother abandoned that one time. Or vice versa.

Random Chick said...

I'm gonna try your facial regimen. I don't even want to think about how much money I've spent on all kinds of creams, peels, and shit... nothing seems to really help. Getting old sucks. I've never heard of the Preparation H thing or VAGINA cream. LOL! Thanks for the tips!

kathi d said...

By the way, here's the best thing to do for your face: Never, ever, no, I mean, NEVER go into the sun. What, you say it's too late? Dang!

My sister, who is 10 years older than I am, has skin like a baby, because while we were all out with our baby oil slathered on, she was staying inside protecting her creamy pale skin and beautiful red hair. Oh, how we laughed. Then.

tootsiegrace said...

Wow, you have all that skin care down to a science!!!

JoeInVegas said...

Um, what kind of cream does that woman use? I've never heard of the stuff - what purpose is it for? (ok, maybe you can't say, but ??) (Perhaps on the Hustler site there may be a visual display of it's benefits.)
Your regimen sounds so much better for the face.

jakelliesmom said...

I only recently got over dooce's elaborate (and similar) description of Cetaphil (which I happen to use twice daily), and there you go reminding me of exactly what it feels I'm putting on my face. Ewwww!

Lotta said...

Jakes - Cool Dooce and I think alike when it comes to spermy face products.