Mommy's Over Here. Psyche!

My patience with son is running mighty short these days. It's not his fault, the dude is helpful and wants to participate with whatever I'm doing. Making dinner, driving, going to the bathroom...etc. But every two minutes it's, "Mom. Hey Mom. Mom. Mommy!". Seriously. Every two minutes. If I'm doing the dishes daughter will grab a puzzle and play on the floor near me. Son will stare at me and mommommomlookitmemom the freak out of me until I pay attention to him.

My initial theory was that he was bored. So we've got him signed up for activities and I set up play dates as often as I can. But it's not taking the edge off. It's like a black hole of mommy need. So then I started doing mommy and me outings. The two of us go swimming together at least once a week. And last weekend we went to Olive Garden for lunch and pretended we were in the movie Ratatouille and the rats were running the kitchen. (Having waited tables at an Olive Garden I can tell you that this isn't too far from reality.) This just fanned the flames of mommy desire.

Today I sat down on the toilet. Waited to hear his feet running towards the bathroom (to tell me the sky was f'king blue or something equally vital) and I snapped the lock shut. Right as his hand was reaching for the knob. And it was totally on purpose so that I could relish the fact that I psyched him out and locked him out. (This move is not unlike my favorite "fake left" supermarket maneuver.) And not only did I not feel guilty, I got a little thrill. Enough so that now I always wait till the kids are just about to reach for the door to snap the lock shut.

And I fully realize that someday I will be drooling on my chin and complaining to the night nurse that my kids never visit me. But right now. I'm totally counting down the days till kindergarten starts. 217 thanks for asking.

10 comments:

marcella said...

I found your blog via a link from another blog, this post is hysterical! My youngest of 4 is now 13, but boy do I remember those days that you describe here!

Anonymous said...

Your supermarket post (fake left) is THE funniest post I have ever read. Really.

L.

slackermommy said...

I hear ya, sistah! I jump and click my heels together in joy after I put my 2 year old down for a nap. That moment of freedom I feel as I shut her door is nearly orgasmic.

Mamma said...

Some day I'll miss them.
Some day I'll miss them.
Some day I'll miss them.
Some day I'll miss them.

I swear if I repeat it...

tootsiegrace said...

You must be my twin, and our kids must be identical cousins. I'm not even kidding.

But about the Olive Garden? Ew. I'm meeting my grandparents for lunch there tomorrow. I like their food... I hate rodents!!!

Elissa said...

This is the funniest thing I have ever read and so true. I aways lock myself in the toilet as it is the only plac with a lock! I'm so glad there is another Mum like me. Sometimes I don't even need to go!

Hetha said...

I love it! I'll have to remember your maneuvers in another year or two when they'll likely come in very handy. I also waited tables at an OG, we had to get the "Larry Chairs" by the dozens b/c our customers were too big for the regular chairs. That endless breadstick concept is a killer.

Lotta said...

Hetha - Ok God and carrying those big giant trays!

Heather said...

I have been lurking for a few weeks and thought it about time I said hi.You say the things that I am too afraid to say outloud! I wish I could lock my kids out of the bathroom but we disabled them after daughter locked herself in there! Now I resort to pushing the hamper in front of the door.

kathi d said...

I myself forgot to have children, but my mom had five in 11 years, and she said that meant she didn't get to close the bathroom door for about 15 years.