Going up! Going Down.

I’m dealing with a raging case of PMS. I’m way late (anddon'tevensayit) and have been riding up and down the crazy escalator all week.

Here's the trip I took today;

Weeping: Kate’s ex-husband sent me a portion of her life insurance check in the mail today with an incredibly sweet note. Since learning of her death I feel like I’ve been waiting to cry. And getting that check in the mail somehow made it all final and real.

Realizing that because of this check I could go to BlogHer08 and see all the wonderful people that I’ve been dying to see all year.

Pondering: Why it is that Southerners and Canadians always make me laugh?

Talking with my husband about the fact that our one and only family vacation was 5 years ago. And I couldn’t drop a dime on BlogHer08 knowing that I had diverted funds that could help us to go on a much needed vacation together.

I found a vintage button shaped like a Park Ranger hat that I made into a ring for Oh The Joys. (She has a fetish)

Remembering that I’m totally not going to see OTJ’s or any other blog friend that I want to give a big old hug to anytime soon.

Someone bought a ring from my shop!

Read Jen Duncan’s post about joining a church so she can extend her world beyond blogging friends. Then realized that it makes me quite sad that I don’t have a female “best” friend any longer. For years I tried to squash my sis-in-laws into the role of my good friends. It dawned on me this year that I have awesome, friendly sis-in-laws but we aren’t friends. Which then made me realize that I really suck at making friends.

Spent the day in the city with husband eating lunch, drooling over lighting for our kitchen at Lightology, holding hands and talking about plans for our future.

Stressing: Realizing that my pro-biotic yogurt miracle is failing me and I haven't pooped in 4 days.

Being in the city reminds me of what life was like before we had children, when we were single in the city. Realized that now we have children, that old life actually looks lonely. Then cried over the fact that I’m surely a shitty mother who spends more time writing and glueing buttons together than I do appreciating them.

Envying: Start looking at other bloggers who have grown leaps and bounds in their audience and excellent writing skills and feel jealous. Realized I've vastly overused the word "realized" in this post and have skipped back and forth between tenses. Am now aware that I'm not only a sketchy writer but a vain one.

Shaming: Sudden awareness that I've emailed a local craft blogger several (many) times now with no response. Feel like a big loser.

That if I am late for "a reason" I've surely killed the thing that shall not be named with the bottle of anti-depressant/anxiety medication I take daily.

: Someone bought another ring!
Weeping: God I'm exhausted.


Joker The Lurcher said...

hello! found your blog from flutter's place. i look forward to reading more. and i love the look of the etsy shop thingy - i am really broke so i won't be buying anything for a while but i can dream!

PamKittyMorning said...

Big big hugs sweetie. Big big hugs.

Carol said...

As I read along, I was nodding, saying uh huh and laughing...you're pretty normal I think.

I hope Aunt Flo comes soon!

As far as the shame thing- from what I've heard, don't hold your breathe waiting for a response...it's how she rolls.

Jennifer said...

You are really funny, intelligent and have a great style. My best friends live in my computer, anyway.

Reluctant Housewife said...

Aren't all writers vain? I don't think you're sketchy. I can relate to most of this too. Anxiety is alive and well over here.

Kelly said...

Oh lord...can I relate! Here's to hoping the pms'ing is over soon!

jakelliesmom said...

That's no escalator, that's the full roller coaster you're riding. I relate to at least 3/4 of this - you're not the only one, but you are always brave to say what's on your mind. Wishing you some sweet relief from the worry and waiting.

slackermommy said...

Ah, the PMS roller coaster. I'm so glad those days are gone for me. I PMS'd Joan Crawford style.

Katrina said...

I'd say POAS. (Pee On A Stick) THEN LET ME KNOW!!!!

so tired said...

You are thinking way too much! You need to take a nap. Give yourself a break.

Hetha said...

Hugs to you Lotta, and for what it's worth, if I were going to Blogher you'd be the first person I'd want to meet. You shouldn't compare yourself to other bloggers, you've got a totally unique, fun, cool, down to earth, and heartwarming blog here. Besides, once you start getting tons of comments it starts to feel like a job (not that I would know!).

Teresa said...

I'm with you lady. Like jakelliesmom's said, you are very brave to post about the rollercoster that is life in such honest terms. I am still learning that skill. Up until recently when someone, even a friend or lover, would ask how I was the answer would always be 'Fine'. Hugs to you - this too shall pass. :)

Anonymous said...

where is blogher08 this year? and i would totally donate just so you could come...give us a goal amount!!

marymurtz said...

Isn't there gin in your apron pocket? Have a drink!

PMS sucks. I'm sorry...

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Lotta - I'd totally give you a hug and would love to see you if I was going to BlogHer 08. In lieu of that - here's a cyber hug and hoping PMS is over soon! Don't fret! Little joys like selling rings and kiddie giggles will keep you going!

Lotta said...

Thanks all! I woke up this morning with an emotional hangover. Too much thinking indeed. Why can't I ever remember to give in to the Xanax and a soft pillow when my mind gets to cranking.

Still no Aunt Flo though...

Mama Drama Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Crap on a crap cracker, my friend. I'm sitting here thinking of what I could sell to get you to Blogher because our little diversion to the Navy Pier was about my favorite part last year. And the drinking. Can't forget the drinking.

PS. I had to take a pregnancy test this weekend for the exact same thing that you mentioned. I'm not pregnant. Yeehaw. And since we're the same person you aren't either.

PPS. Even though I don't see you in real life I still consider you one of my best friends.

coquet's cache said...

.... you left out "Breaking: as in pencil points, keyboards, car windshields" and "Stabing: voodoo dolls, the Barney stuffed toy etc."

kidding! pee on a stick, willya?

Little Monkies said...

i (heart) you.

Mamma said...

And here I was thinking I was going to get a post about blow jobs...

BlogHer won't be the same without you, but I understand re: the vacation.

PS--You have a friend here in VA. I may not be close enough for drinks, but I'm just an email away.

ElegantSnobbery said...

Sounds normal to me! But then, I am kind of a PMSing hormonal mess.


Cheer up, buttercup! And I love your blog, even though I forgot to comment most of the time (I'm a bit of a peeping Tom).


Oh, The Joys said...

I'm so excited that you're coming to SF!!!!!

And a Park Ranger ring? RAWR!!!!

You are the BEST!!


Angelina said...

If it makes you feel better, I'm way lower on the blog totem than you'll ever be!! You actually sell your way cool crafts and you have way more readers than I do.

When you've responded to my e-mails I felt like a superstar.

Just like when Pam (at Pam Kitty Morning) talks to me. (I still love you Pam!)

Seriously. It's all a matter of perspective I think.

You are also a funnier and better writer than me and I get jealous sometimes and then I just figure, fuck it, I'll just enjoy your talent and not worry.

about anything.
(Because my Paxil dose was recently doubled.)

Lotta said...

Thanks all!

Angelina - You crack me up. But you are the gutsy shopkeeper here! Much admired by me.

Natalie said...

PMS stinks. Hope you're feeling better soon!

adriane said...

Lotta- That Wee Wonderfuls person is seriously missing out by not talking to you.

I really enjoy your blog and check it almost everyday. I think your wit is sharp and your commentary on life is very funny. Thanks for being you.

Lotta said...

Thanks all!

Adriane - She's actually really nice. I just feel like the guy in those telephone commercials. Where he keeps calling and leaving asinine messages on his date's machine.