Peeing On Sticks


I've been peeing on lots of sticks in order to convince myself that I'm not knocked up. I'm not. The sticks tell me I'm not with their single pink lines. I don't have quite the relief that I might have had before I became a mom. Now that I've loved two little newborns, it would be hard to be completely excited about not being pregnant. But having weathered post partum depression, pre-eclampsia and the really brokeass mama era I am relieved. I think. Yes I am. Maybe. Gah!

One stick in particular got me a little riled though. It's by EPT and it says "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT" and I thought..harsh man. A lone pink line is so much less obnoxious. Cause you can tilt the stick from one side to the other squinting to see if there is another very faint pink one. The lone pink line still carries some hope. But the NOT PREGNANT, them's almost fight'n words. If I were trying to become pregnant I know I would be yelling "Oh yea! Well. Screw you. Stick!"

When I was pregnant with my both my kids I peed on sticks endlessly. (I used to order them from Canadians selling them in bulk on eBay.) There is this period of time between your last and your next doctor's visit that the panic sets in. The first week after the visit you are quite reassured. You heard the heartbeat. You're fine silly! Then the next week you start worrying again. That's when I pulled out the sticks. I'm sure that scientifically it proved nothing, but it was oddly reassuring. Maybe that's why I like the pink line so much. The pink line said, "Hey. It's all cool baby." to me.

Later today, I'm going to go to Walgreen's to buy a new, super sized bottle of MIDOL in the hopes that it will calm down my raging PMS. But if I see anybody in the pregnancy test aisle while I'm there I'm totally saying, "Pssst. Stay away from the ETP Test. It's a real asshole.

19 comments:

PamperingBeki said...

I think I'd just cry if I were ever pregnant again!! Please God, NO!!!

Mitzi Green said...

that's the one test i didn't buy, because i can't justify paying that much for something i'm going to pee on.

PamKittyMorning said...

OH DEAR GOD... I remember those santitary belts. GROSS. Last time I saw one was in 1987 when my daugther was born and they passed them out at the hospital. Good grief.

ElegantSnobbery said...

I'm a compulsive stick pee-er as well. That is a result of two kids conceived while on birth control!

I learned that Dollar Tree pregnancy tests are just as accurate as the 12 dollar ones.

And they make my compulsive habit much cheaper.

Good luck with your crazy hormones!!

Marisa

IamSusie said...

You live where I live and my husband, son, and I all have a bad case of winter malaise. I take back every nice thing I ever said about winter. It snowed in my suburb again today...

My husband and I realized this weekend that we are middle aged, and lazy... I feel totally different on sunny days...

Oh man.. those pregnancy sticks... I have 2 years left on my IUD that was put in right after gave birth to my daughter. It works like a charm! In 2 years, hubby gets snipped.

Lotta said...

I'm so jealous you have a Dollar Tree Elegant. I usually buy the Walmart tests, but I had a coupon and wanted the novelty on peeing on something new and exciting.

Pam - Today they hand out stretchy mesh panties. It's hot.

Susie - Thanks! Husband needs to get his snipped but I can't convince him. Maybe I can tell him that the number of BJ's a man gets after snipping are much higher. No wait, that's what I said about marriage and he's figured that one out.

Mamma said...

See this is why you rock. Always looking out for the sisters and steering us clear of the assholes at the bar.

Reluctant Housewife said...

Ah yes, we Canadians have been providing the world with stuff to pee on since the dawn of time.
I can relate to the mixed feelings. I don't want another pregnancy (well... maybe...) Absolutely not(but babies are so cute...) But all the work and no sleep. And the poop. And the spit up (but they're so lovable!) Yeah, I get the mixed feelings.

Mags said...

As usual you have me laughing my ass off. Wouldn't it be great if we could really laugh our asses off. Instead, I sit here on its ever spreading expanse. I digress. It is funny how otherwise intelligent women become completely psycho about stick peeing. I'm sure the prego test people love our little demographic. Bastards.

mommiebear2 said...

And here I thought I was one of the few people who did that. Even though there is a small chance in hell that I would be pregnant, just that tiny chance still has me getting the test if I am a few days late.

Angelina said...

I would not like to ever pee on a stick again because I am terrified of seeing the words "PREGNANT" again. It took two years after my husband got snipped for him to convince me that visectomies really work. So this year I finally give up the condoms (for extra protection) and immediately meet a woman who had her fourth child eleven years after her husband was snipped.

Just thinking about it is giving me chills.

jakelliesmom said...

I think they should market the sticks in two distinct packages - one for those hoping yes, one for those dreading yes. One could say "maybe next month," the other might give high fives for dodging a bullet.

Lotta said...

Thanks for commenting all. Mama!

Jakes - I think that is a million dollar idea. Seriously!

Katrina said...

Oh I HATE the pregnant/not pregnant ones! I am such a pee stick addict.

We tried for over 4.5 years (LOOOONG story) to have Max and the thought of that "Not Pregnant" showing up would have had me a bawling mess. Definitely preferred the lines, as they did provide us with more hope, even if it was false hope most of the time.

Once we were pg (LOOONG story with too many ups and downs and scary parts) I used them all. the. damned. time. Just like you, I needed to feel that as long as I was making HCG, there was hope.

Caution said...

"Maybe I can tell him that the number of BJ's a man gets after snipping are much higher. No wait, that's what I said about marriage and he's figured that one out."

More truth in that quote than anything I've heard from Hillary, Obama, or McCain. Hey, how about Lotta for President?

Emily said...

I'm with a previous commenter, wishing I could actually LMAO.

I get the mixed emotions, for sure. Hoping the hormonal roller coaster comes to an abrupt halt, soon.

Rapunzel said...

Oh, god, even after my ex-h's vasectomy I still lived in monthly fear of another "surprise"! Though my children are all wonderful people and I'm thrilled to have them, 3 is enough for this Mama. Once I was in a serious post-divorce relationship I took myself to the doctor and got "fixed." Whew..no more worries..no more pink sticks!

Dana J. Tuszke said...

I've been trying to get pregnant with a second baby for months. I know how you feel when you write about those damn sticks. The one line thing bugs me, but I definitely won't buy the EPTs because I think they are cruel!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Love both my kids....love babies....DON'T EVER want to be pregnant again!

Of course...there was that scare...not long after Mr. Mayhem had his vasectomy. I felt conflicted...like you...do I..or don't I?