Booster Seat Bedtime Story

My car is a big motherf*cker. We have a 2008 Dodge Grand Caravan. And don't be all impressed with my ride. The reason we drive new is because we are too poor to pay for repairs on a used car without a warranty. And that kind of financial planning is why husband and I will surely retire at the young age of 110.

But the car is a cruise ship man. It's very boxy,dark navy blue and looks like an FBI van. If I parked on your street you would start flushing your pot. It also has automatic sliding doors on each side. One time my sister and her ex-boyfriend were sitting in the backseat. The car doors slid open at exactly the same time. And they tumbled out at exactly the same time. It looked like a raid.

I was thinking about my car because I went on a booster seat binge today. In fact if booster seats were Cheetos and Dr. Pepper I would be the girl sitting behind the 7-11 stuffing her face. 4 new boosters for 2 children in 4 hours.

Daughter and I went to KMart and she lost her shit over a hot pink $13 Cosco booster. When I looked at the box I saw that she met all the safety requirements. Over 30 pounds and taller than a doorknob. We got one for son too because his was just crusted with McDonald's barnacles. And I'm just that lazy that I'll pay $13 for a new one instead of cleaning it.

But when I saw wee little daughter sitting in that booster I realized that those things are the equivalent of sticking a stack of phone books under her ass. They prop her up a bit higher but she can (and will) play around with the seat belt or slide down into her seat to grab a fallen piece of Pirate Booty. And so would son for that matter.

So I went online to scope out the situation, adding yet another intriguing entry to my Google search history, "Will I kill my children if they sit in a Cosco booster". And Google said, "Yes. Yes you will." and then made me watch this awful and sad video. I immediately called husband and asked him to tell me what to do. He responded with his usual confident reply, "I don't know man. I'm at work." So I searched for the best booster online and realized we couldn't afford them. Apparently, only the wealthy children can avoid being pitched through the windshield. So I bought both the kids a mid-range option with a bunch of safety features. And prayed that if we must get into an accident it will be a middle-class friendly, low impact one and their seats will do the job.

But now it was driving me nuts that we had these 2 non returnable Kmart death boosters that I wasted $26 bucks on. Then husband reminded me that we were the new t-ball coaches and might need to drive some of the other kids home. He said they could sit in those boosters. I'm all, "Yea! Screw those bastards. Put 'em in the cheap seats." Then he called me unreasonable and asked what was for dinner.

The End

17 comments:

Greta said...

Ugh. I love the Kmart boosters. Do tell. Wait...dammit. I hate Dr. Google. He should totally lose his license to practice medicine. His brothers, Inspector Google, and Dr. WebMd are also total quacks.

Dammit.

Ms Picket to You said...

Listen: i have owned every booster (and every stroller I think) but now, I'm kinda all "buckle your seat belts dudes while you sit on your yellow pages" because seriously, the 2.5 miles they drive in a week with me? I've gotten over stressing it too much. Also, I remember riding astride the back seat in my mom's wagon as a kid. Right on top of that seat back, like a cheap rug. Which is not to say I'm not for safety (I am indeed the helmet nazi), but you and all your traveling posse will be AOK in the "cheat seats" though I'll add for good measure, like a knock on wood: God Speed.

hautemommy said...

Hahahaha your blogs crack me up!!! :)

jakelliesmom said...

If there is any way I could Bedazzle that pink one and slap some princesses on it, my baby would be in big girl seat heaven.

Kathi D said...

Dude. I rode standing up in the front seat. Yes, I have serious brain damage, but I survived, damn it.

Jennifer said...

My favorite spot to ride as a kid was in the back window of my mom's Ford LTD. There was a big ass ledge back there and I'd crawl up there and sprawl out.

I have friends who will send their kids to their junior prom in a britax 5-point harness seat but my kids have been in booster seats (the K-Mart Graco ones) since they turned 3.

slackermommy said...

I saw that video when it first came out and freaked like you then decided it could never happen to me when I saw the price of the safer seat.

so tired said...

I saw the same video. It's horrible. I can't watch it again. I prefer to put it out of my mind.

I went with the Graco Turbo boosters for my kids. We can't afford to be any safer than that.

Pendullum said...

I remember my ole angst over car booster seats only too well...
So glad those days are behind me...
But I know your angst well...

growingapair said...

Um, cried so hard I had to leave work for a while and blubber?

No, but seriously. I can't believe how expensive the seats for bigger kids are. NUTTY. Especially when it's hard to believe they cost that much more to manufacture than the toddler seats. I think they just know that anyone with enough time to spend hours researching a seat is the same kind of person who will drop the dough no matter what it costs.

You know, paranoid folks like ME.

A Mom Two Boys said...

The whole car seat thing drives me crazy. I'm known as the Car Seat Nazi in my family because I'm SUPER paranoid and strict about them. I cringed when I saw the little one you bought at KMart but was THOROUGHLY excited when I saw you replaced them. I've been DYING to write a post about this but need to wait unitl my MIL is out of town and won't (hopefully) be reading my blog for a week. It's by are my biggest pet peeve. Just above the one I'm writing about today!

Katy (aka funny girl) said...

LOL, put 'em in the cheap seats...

Katrina said...

***snort***

You have me seriously thinking about Blogher...hubby says it's a good idea that I go for "business" heehee. Need a roomie?

so tired said...

I forgot I wanted to tell you that I drive an Expedition. When I first got it my husband wanted me to get "BIG MF" on my plates.......

Nice, huh?

Anonymous said...

Dare I say...box 'em up and take them back to Wal-Mart. You never need a receipt there!

Heather said...

I just lost MY shit over "McDonald's barnacles."

OMFG! Lurrrrve it.

Heather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.