Smell The Lemons!

When son was a baby I would pay cold hard Ebay sell'n cash to have this super swat team of Polish superwomen sneak in and clean my house twice a month. You pay for an hour of cleaning and an army of 4 will do whatever they can in that time. So if the house is good and tidy they'll even get to clean the insides of your windows. It was freaking heaven to walk into the house with a newborn and have it smell like Windex instead of baby sick.

But eventually son got old enough to rat me out. And hiring a cleaner did not go over well with my thrifty husband. "Pay me, I'll clean the house!". And he is a great cleaner, but can only do so much. He'll wash a floor and then get bombarded by the kids and stop. But when the cleaning elves come every room in the house is clean at the same time. It is truly better than sex.

So when I was paid for my wholesale jewelry order I stashed that money into my underwear drawer. So far I've eeked out a 1/2 hour massage and had the cleaning people come one time. I made sure that the kids and I were out of the house so they couldn't nark on me. But when husband and I talked later that night it was tricky to be honest, yet stealthy. I ended up sounding like a foreign language lesson tape.

Husband: Wow, you cleaned all the floors!?

Me: Yes. The floors are very clean.

Husband: Man, and the bathroom is clean too!

Me: The bathroom is clean. It is clean.

Husband: Yea the house smells clean! Smells like lemons.

Me: Smell the lemons.

The other night I went to the movies with a friend. While we were waiting for the movie to start I said that if daughter becomes a stay at home mom I'm going to give her a small stash of cash and tell her to hide it away for herself. Call it a pedicure fund. This older woman sitting directly in front of us could not contain her laughter when she overheard. She leaned back and gave us a sneaky little wink and smile.

I think husbands forget that they married a chick when you're down to one income. They don't understand why you need highlights even though it's the same hair they lovingly admired when it came out of your paycheck. It was two income hair. Which is really unfair. Because if husband had been gay and married Steve, I goddamn guarantee you Steve would not be down with having his entire wardrobe come from Target. And then he would storm off and get a really expensive spray tan. Go Steve!

20 comments:

Katrina said...

Lordy lordy, you are speaking the TRUTH! (Ask me about my little adventure today.) ;o)

Mary Fran said...

I want the number of your cleaning people! I used to use Merry Maids but they are too expensive. I'd love the smell of lemons instead of pee.

PamKittyMorning said...

Ahh that sounds divine. And you know what, there are no kids here to distract your adorable husband from getting to those window tracks.

Cheryl said...

Just found your blog and what a great post. Had me laughing out loud, especially about being ratted out by the kids...been there:-)!!!! I have a daughter and have passed on some tricks of the trade :-)!!

Sister Honey Bunch said...

GREAT post. I read your "other" post in my reader and DANG that was pretty funny too!

me said...

After so many years together my husband knows about my stash, only because we are seasonal self employed, I call mine the winter fund. But I gave similar advice to a friend once who had just dropped to one income, skim off the top. It's all a girl can do.

Caution said...

Preach it, Sister! I've been thinking recently how my husband loves to brag about what a good cleaner he is, BUT...doesn't do anything. I'm going to have to take up swearing now.

Sassy Mama Bear said...

LOL, I love those conspiratorial winks from the older generation don't you?
We got to do what we got to do...now I need to sell a book so I can hire some cleaners. Shoot, that means I have to finish writing the book first.

SAHM I AM said...

Can I get an AMEN!?!? Girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...

Gretchen said...

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...

Good for you.

swampfish said...

I do work, but because we have a joint fund and Dh does bills...ugh. However, I do the grocery shopping and when you write a check, they'll give you cash back....just looks like groceries!

Anonymous said...

i died laughing. that's hilarious!

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Steve SO would, and Steve's boyfriend knows it!

A lemon-y fresh house is DEFINITELY better than sex! HAHA! but not drunk sex... I mean, really.

kathi d said...

I spent a year (long ago) transferring the white dress shirts to plastic hangers so the husband wouldn't know they had been washed and ironed ELSEWHERE. I found out that he had never been fooled to begin with.

I proudly have the housekeepers clean now! Heck, I have IMPORTANT things to do.

As for you, Missy! It is more important for you to sit down and play a game with kids than to have to clean! So don't feel guilty!

The Introvert said...

I LONG for the day when I can splurge on a massage or pedicure again. I finally got a much-needed haircut yesterday and THAT was a splurge. Not too much longer...

mommiebear2 said...

OMG, I do this too ~ I try to sneak away some money and hire the cleaning ladies to come out and do a good scrubbin', glad to see Im not the only one. :)

lildb said...

my whole body hurts from laughing.

GO STEVE!

indeed.

Lotta said...

Good to know I"m not the only one!

All Adither said...

This is the first time i've seen your blog--through Plain Jane Mom--and i LOVE it.

My husband is the exact same. In fact, have you noticed your man disappearing for long stretches in the evening, because I think we married the same guy.

Angie (from www.AllAdither.com)

katy said...

Found your blog through Bloggess, I'm LOL!! Two-income hair is exactly it!! And two-income toes and a two-income bikini line, which is why I had to post a question on the Veet blog!

ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!