I'm going to try and talk about what's going down with son because it's kind of eating me up these days. When I write in this blog I do try to stick to just telling my own stories. That way I'm the only that can get mad when I realize that everyone knows my scene. But the lines between my story and his story are kind of blurry. When I look at my kids it's like someone put the zoom lens on in my head. I really don't see anything but their beautiful faces looking up at me. So worrying about son is overshadowing my view of everything. And I can feel it weighting me down into the depths of crappymotherhood. So I'm hoping I can get this off my chest and breathe a little easier, but do so in a way that respects his privacy. Here goes.
Son's just been having a hard time of it this year. He's been sporting these big, black shiners under his eyes all the time. He seemed run down and whiny often - but in that way that kids get when they're sick. I admit we hoped that after his adenoid/tonsil surgery the relief from constant sinus infections would restore him. Bring back our bright and sunny guy. But my mommy gut knew that there was going to be something more going on. However, I told mommygut that she's often been wrong since she started hanging around with myanxiety and to stuff it.
And at first he seemed to feel so much happier. He was sleeping better and eating more too. But those darn shiners just wouldn't go away. And I hated them because they look like he hasn't gotten enough care, or that he was sad. And then he started to say quite often, "I feel sad and I don't know why." (Mmm? What's that sound? Oh that's just my heart smashing to the floor - let me get a broom and clean that right up.)
He's also been having difficulty at school. And trouble with social situations that should just be a 5 year old good freaking time and they aren't for him. So we decided to go see someone about it. A someone that had a PHD but no access to a prescription pad. As a permanent resident of The Valley Of The Dolls I obviously have no objection to meds. I have in fact a great affection for them. But we're not going that route unless we've tried everything else we can. However, if it comes to that it will be as a relative once said "The new normal" and we'll do it and get on with it.
Before we went into see this someone we filled out a huge patient history for son. Going over it with husband was a kick in the head let me tell you. The form spent about 5 pages asking about the state of mind of the mother during pregnancy and the birth experience. Um, nuts - check. 18 hours of failed epidural, pictocin hell - yup, check again. So we were quite nervous as we drove to the appointment.
But when we arrived at the someone's office it was actually a great relief. She was warm, and bright and so good with son. She taught him how to breathe deeply with a little container of bubbles. And to pretend he had those bubbles with him if he ever got too upset. Overall everything went extremely well. Though I did continue my great tradition of bursting into random snotty sobs with Doctors. I think if no one ever asked me "How are you doing" in times of crisis I would be OK. But if I'm holding it all together that always busts my dam. When my sister in law Sally called me after daughter was born, she would start the conversation with that phrase and I would just burst into tears and have to hang up. Though she could have been just fucking with me after the third call.
As I went over son's history of sleep, high energy and medical issues it became clear the he was a super bright, super awesome, super big handful. And getting an educated guide, someone to help the whole family figure out how to get him on track wasn't such a daunting idea anymore. We all left the office feeling tired, but relieved and hopeful.
Then of course I found this poster on Etsy, and thought I would buy it and frame it for son. And then husband wanted to know why the hell I was snotty sobbing over the keyboard.