Banned From The OBGYN

I was a little nervous about going to the OBGYN today. And rightly so since the last time I had an appointment I ended the visit early by draping a paper smock with the Sharpied message "Two hours is too long to keep a patient waiting" across the stirrups. And it really is. A person can only sit half naked, rereading the same Woman's Day magazine article about how to melt chocolate in a crock pot so many times before getting a little testy.

So I was already my flustery best when the Dr. came into the room. She however, was all business. She looked at my chart for a moment and then asked me to verify my postpartum dosage of Wellbutrin. After I told her she emphatically shouted "THAT'S A LOT!". And then moved on to ask about my last pap smear as if nothing out of sorts had just happened. As if she hadn't just intimated that I was going to die of Wellbutrin induced heart attack at any given moment. So I got all wide eyed and sweaty right before the exam. It only got worse too.

Doctor: Scoot down towards the stirrups.

Me: Kay.

(Time elapses)

Doctor: Do you do sit ups?

Me: What! No!!

Doctor: Do you do sit ups?

Me: (Openly laughing) No way man.

Doctor: No really, will you please do some sit ups for me?

Me: (Testily) Absolutely not!

Then it dawned on my deaf ass that she was really saying "You can sit up". So not only am I over medicated in her estimation, but I am belligerently refusing to close up my legs, cover myself and end the exam.

Oh yeah, I've got a helluva medical chart.

18 comments:

Judi the butt cheek clencher said...

God bless you Lotta, you kill me!

Last week at my baby doctor appointment..... my hot assed doctor had to do his measure thing on my belly, AFTER talking to me for forever. Meanwhile..... my big fat gut/pregnant belly was "Sweat Stuck" to my thighs..... so when he measured me, he touched my gut, thigh & possibly cooch sweat. He then got to do a cervix check with his magic wand ultrasound machine.

Then, when I was struggling to sit up.... I had to clench my butt cheeks together as tightly as I could so I wouldn't leak out a fart.

I'm sure the look on my face matched yours! Bastard doctors!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I had my pap today too...good times.

Erika Jurney said...

I'd be willing to be that there's a sticker on your chart similar to the ones at the vet which just say in large capital letters "BITES."

xoxoxo

Kristine said...

OMG I am laughing hysterically here. My husband things I've lost my freaking mind.

I love you! And Judi the butt cheek clencher too!

Kathi D said...

OH my god. I am dying of excess laughing here.

Jennifer said...

Dear Lord that is so funny. "No way I'm sitting up, man!"

Muffy Willowbrook said...

You're pretty, Lotta!

Mamma said...

Dude, those banana earrings are cute and all but you're not supposed to stick them in your ears.

Lotta said...

Muffy - Don't try to distract me from my humorous shame Muffy.

The Introvert said...

That is so awesome. I'm going to switch lady doctors. Any OBGYN who compliments my jugs should be paying me, you know what I'm sayin'?

decoratorgirl said...

I advise you to start charging admission when you have a priceless story like this one. No way that's a freebie. Giggling and snorting. Eyes now watering! Feeling much better about my sucky doctor's appointment earlier today!

Carol said...

*snort*

Angela Williams Duea said...

Just found you and I'm laughing hysterically! Pelvic exams suck. Thanks for making me laugh about them.

angelawd

BoggyWoggy said...

He, heh, heh...
Wouldn't you HATE to be looking at other women's pooters? I would. Heck, I remember when I was a teenager and got the courage up to look at myself with a mirror. I think I dropped and broke the mirror, after the terror! Then, rather than 7 years of bad luck, I'm in the midst of 7 decades. Oh, and I think I'm partially blind now.

Gnome said...

New reader here and I think I hurt myself laughing!

Ms Picket To You said...

hella funny! and also a PSA: must make OBGYN appointment and remember to bring my hearing aid when I go.

Julianne said...

Thanks for making me laugh.

I always sweat profusely when I go to the OB/GYN. What's up with that?

MsPrufrock said...

I'm laughing WITH you, not at you, but that shit is funny.

When I was getting regular scans during fertility treatment my doctor twice told me to pull the sheet down to cover my alleged modesty more. Twice. As in, I must have just thrown the cooch out there indiscriminately and he was offended. Prude.