To Whom It May Concern

A few days back I posted this;

Dear Clothing Designer People,

Please cool it with the short, puffy sleeved oxfords. I feel like I'm getting ready for 7th grade choir practice.

Then on Twitter I posted this;

Dear Summer Dresses,

Where the fuck are all your sleeves?

Yesterday, I got a sitter and spent 4 hours walking around a mall looking for clothes to wear to BlogHer08. Superficial to care so much I know. But I figure I'll end up with a wardrobe post conference that might make me look like I give a damn so there are other benefits. Two hours into the trip I had already composed several other letters that I wanted to share with you.

Dear Caftan Dresses,

Mrs. Roper called and she wants you back home.

Dear Plus Sized Empire Waist Shirts,
It's so cute that you want to pretend that my rounded belly is a lil baby. But it's really the by-product of too many Dr. Peppers and Tostada chips. Making it look like I'm in my second trimester with your ruched tummy smocking does not soften the reality. Though if I ever do get pregnant again, I'm pretty stoked I'll have more than just the back rack at Motherhood Maternity to shop from.

Dear Person At TJ Max That Keeps Slipping Awesome Black Cotton Dresses In Size 4 Onto The Plus Sized Racks,

Bite me.

Dear Capri Pants,

I'm pretty much your bitch at this point. And you are my master. But if you keep tapering the bottom of your legs I might be forced to look around.

And lastly, a nice note.

Dear Igigi,

Thank you for managing to describe my figure with dead on accuracy and yet still leave me feeling oddly admired.
"You are very curvy with the overall silhouette of the Classic Hourglass. However, you are heavier at the bottom then your Hourglass sister with very profound derriere and fuller thighs similar to the Triangle figure type. Your waist is defined, but much less indented with the possible “love handles” at the sides. You have a pronounced front midriff bulge, similar to the Oval figure, although in your case, the fullness is more evenly distributed throughout your body. Your shoulders are very proportionate to the overall silhouette, with the full and shapely bust. Your upper arms tend to be a bit fleshy."

My profound derriere is off to Marshalls to try and find something to wear to the cocktail parties. If I fail you can find me back at the hotel room come cocktail hour. I'll have my own personal case of Schlitz that I might be persuaded to share. No formal attire required.



Amy Kate said...

Ooh, did you try Ann Taylor Loft? In the back clearance section, I usually find great finds in "big girl" sizes on clearance. I feel like a real live grown up when I wear something that isn't from Target or Kohl's, so the Loft finds usually become my favorite items.
Good luck!

Jennifer said...

That last figure description made me need a pre-lunch cocktail and a tissue to blot my tears. You can't say "fleshy upper arms" to a chubby chick without making her cry. I think I'd rather be called Bacon Betty than to be told I'm "fleshy".

We are about the same size, and I have a cute, cute, cute black knit dress that you can dress up with a little shrug to cover the fleshiness.


Lotta said...

Amy Kate -

I didn't. The one other mall that I have yet to try has a Loft in it. By "big girl" do you mean 18-20? Because I can do a regular old 18 if I'm wearing a dress.

Jennifer -

I talked with Igigi last night and they may send me a dress to wear at night. I may borrow your shrug though! I just read the conference guide and am learning that it gets chilly in San Fran!

IamSusie said...

I LOVE the empire waist! I hope this style never ever goes away as it is perfect for my short waisted round apple shape. But yeah.. what the hell happened to sleeves in the summer? I only go sleeveless when forced to in bridesmaid dresses. My friends seem to think that everyone looks great in sleeveless dresses. Bitches...

crunchycarpets said...

ARRGGGHh.yeah.....the maternity look!? I know!

Sun dresses or tops that make my big round shoulders and arms look good?


Vancouver SUCKS for plus size gals....

I really should skip the whole conference and spend the entire time in SF shopping.

Kathi D said...

This is why I never leave home. On the internet, nobody knows if you are naked save for holey underpants and an XXL Beavis and Butthead t-shirt.

Kathi D said...

P.S. Having spent a lot of time in San Francisco, I will tell you that black is the thing. Whenever I wear colorful anything there, I feel like an escapee from the burbs. And it does get CHILLY there by the bay, so you need sleeves and a wrap of some kind, for sure. Also, walking downhill in heels higher than zero is painful.

I don't mean to make it sound awful. SF is a wonderful place, but it does have a few quirks. Don't forget the hills. They are everywhere! And people tend to walk everywhere in the city, because it's all close together and taxis are so $$$. Be sure to take at least one pair of supremely comfy shoes, and carry that pair with you always!

Carol said...

I hear ya sista, sign my name to that too!

lildb said...

i plan on drooling on you regardless of your attire.

er, that was supposed to be "hugging you" rather than "drooling on you."

oh, who are we kidding.

you're gonna look haute, is all i'm trying to say. geez.

Leeanthro said...

Here's my note to designers of plus sized clothing:

I know I had a baby a year ago and am still breastfeeding. But I ditched all my maternity clothes because I do not want to look pregnant anymore. So quit putting effing ties in the back of all the shirts! It makes them look like maternity tops. I could have saved quite a bit of money by not giving away the maternity frocks. But my self-esteem would have suffered by keeping them in my closet. Just because we are chunky, don't make us look pregnant!