What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate

This weekend I called husband motherfucker when we were at Kiddieland. It's not like me to say that out loud. Or if I do, it's part of our flirtatious banter. Like when I see him in his black socks and boxers and get to say, "That's right baby. You are one hot motherfucker". Then we dissolve into laughter and he makes fun of me for wearing the waistband of my underpants up under my armpits. But I got so mad that day I actually said, "Take your daughter. On the water ride. Motherfucker."

Husband is the kindest nicest, guy I know. And God knows he's got his hands full with me. But he is truly the most randomly obstinate person this world has produced. When we were dating I asked him to please roll down his window one hot day. He said, "No". And then refused to elaborate. It was a 100 degrees and we had no air conditioning in the car. I tried to calmy explain why a cross breeze was absolutely necessary, to request that he just crack it open a tiny bit. But still he would not budge nor explain. Two hours later I finally pry it out of him that he doesn't like the way it feels to have the wind blow on his face.

At Kiddieland I asked husband to please take daughter on the water ride. Grandma and Grandpa were taking son, and I was holding everyone's things so they wouldn't get wet. "No", he says. And then wanders away so he won't be around to hear me say, "Why? Why? Why? Can you be more specific?". I asked yet again and got no explanation, simply "No". So I measured daughter, she was tall enough. Was that his concern? "No." Asked if he wanted me to hold his cell phone while he went. "No". Did the ride freak him out? "No."

Maybe it was the flashing lights and 2 block long lines to get a 'free' diet coke at the park. But I snapped and hissed at him. Realizing immediately afterwards, that there was a lovely young family ahead of me that got the full motherfucker treatment. Who here thought I was a nice lady? Well, you can put your hands down now.

Many hours later, back at home, I begged him to tell me why he wouldn't go on the ride. Finally he sighs wearily and says, "I just didn't want to get wet". (Pause) Is this some kind of Art of War move? To never offer explanation, only directives? If so can someone who's read the book tell me what my counter move is supposed to be? Something other than losing my OCD mind and talking like a street fighter.


Little Monkies said...

Married to the same man. Headed to therapy on Friday. Sorry I don't have better advice. :)

Katrina said...

Oh he'd have heard a lot more than that if he were my dh, the poor guy. Or he'd have held every last piece of crap the rest of the day while I rode EVERYTHING with daughter. Let him be the "mom" for a while...it won't last long and he'll be happy to get wet.

Men. Grrrrrr.

Amy Kate said...

I think that for all we put them through, they just get a kick out of watching our minds race trying to figure out the reason behind their inexplicable answers. Mine does the same thing sometimes, and I'm always perplexed. "Is he pissed at me?" "Did I miss something going on here?" "Doesn't he like these rides? I thought he did." "Is there some deep seated mysterious reason behind this?"
And then later, when I drag it out of him, it is always such a let down, something he could have said at the point of conflict, and been done with.
I firmly believe it is revenge for the days that he comes home from work and my damaged mind has been racing with random thoughts all day and he has to bear the brunt of it and get my diarrhea of the mouth on 27 topics within 3 minutes...

IamSusie said...

I think that they (husbands) don't really want to think that much about the "why" of their preferences and don't feel that they should have to justify them. They just sometimes want to make a directive and expect it to be followed. My husband always wants to avoid conflict and he thinks this helps, but eventually he's realized this just makes it worse because I am relentless about getting at the heart of a problem.

By the way, thanks for the tip about the probiotics. I still don't think my son needs them, but I started taking acidophillus tablets and my gassy belching and farting have totally subsided so I am much better company!

Tuna Girl said...

Oh. My. God! My husband sometimes slips into this big-military-commander mode. He actually once said to me, "My people don't question me. Why must you question me?"

He still hasn't lived it down.

marymurtz said...

Officially my favorite of all your funny posts. This part made me screech with laughter (IN MY OFFICE AT WORK!):

"Realizing immediately afterwards, that there was a lovely young family ahead of me that got the full motherfucker treatment. Who here thought I was a nice lady? Well, you can put your hands down now."

You made my day. And for the record, my husband does the same thing. It makes me want to hit him with a set of car keys.

Amber Dawn McNabb said...

Oh my gosh this is hillarious! And I am so sorry. And this is hillarious! .......but I really am sorry. LOL I hafta go read it again now.

Lotta said...

LM - It's good husband doesn't blog. I'm sure he has MANY a story about my faults as well. Good luck in therapy. I hope you get someone that's nice and neutral or totally on your side.

Katrina - Don't even get me started.

AmyKate - I think so! As if watching us spin is amusing somehow.

Iam - I started the probiotics for myself just the other day. Son is still doing fantastic on the. I'll try and remember to write a follow up post.

Mary - You have no idea how much it makes my day to hear that I made someone screech with laughter!

Amber - You have to laugh or go nuts.

Carol said...

Yup, I have one of those too. Awesome, sweet, kind guy 90% of the time but I want to rip his M-F'n head off when he does that!!!

erinberry said...

Love the cover of that book - How long has it been since "fooey" was a cuss word? :)

SoMo said...

My therapist would say that it is a classic power struggle. Then I would ask her what should I have done and she would have asked WHAT do I think I should have done. Then I would give her a check for $90, leave with no answers and still yell nasty names at my husband. SO, I guess I have nothing to offer you, except maybe you should have sprayed him with the hose later.

Ruth Dynamite said...

Cursing at Kiddieland - priceless.

I think I need to start punctuating my sentences with MFer.