Keep Your Balls To Yourself

The constant barrage of need from both of my beautiful children is out of hand lately. I fear I've created this too. In my mind if I get you (the kid) a drink, snack, toy and cartoon. Then you (the kid) leave me alone. That's the deal right? Not so. Not so. All I've done is put out a sign that the food and beverage service is now open. And the requests are unending. If I say "No" to food or drink because dinner is coming then I must either deal with the temper tantrum or guard the kitchen so I can catch any cookie thieves in action.

I've found that if I keep moving throughout the house. Picking up, making beds, dinner, etc. They are pretty good about leaving me alone. But woe is me if I attempt to sit down and relax. Or work on jewelry. Or urinate. They are humping my leg the second my ass lands.

Today was especially insane. The kids were either losing their marbles or begging me for something. The neighbor kids kept ringing the doorbell. And the phone kept ringing with this persistent marketing research company. It was like a Calgon take me away commercial on crack.

So when I walked outside tonight and saw that the BIG giant purple ball was in my flower beds again I lost it. The ball belongs to our neighbors, The Clampetts. The Clampetts lawn is strewn with fast food wrappers, toys and anything else that happens to blow out of their minivan when the door opens. Usually, I pick up the garbage or the toys and bring them back to their lawn. But this time I went inside, got a knife and stabbed that damn ball. Just one, satisfying stab and the air woooshed out. Then I hid it in our garbage.

15 comments:

PamKittyMorning said...

That is some crazy day, seems familiar, but way in the past.

Christina said...

Sometimes it's as if you are spying on my kids and taking notes.

Your shennanigans always make me smile! :-D

DD said...

At least you didn't take the ball into your basement and bury it in the floor. Now THAT would be weird.

Gwen said...

okay, your day was shitty, but thanks for starting mine with a laugh.

Chocolate cake sounds like the perfect panacea.

Chocolate and Steel said...

good for you! maybe if they miss the ball they will start taking better care of their stuff.

why is it the minute your ass hits the seat they need stuff. That's exactly what happens with me. It drives me nuts!

fribbles said...

...I think you need to rate your blog. Especially with all the gratuitous violence in stabbing purple balls on it. ;)

http://www.oneplusyou.com/bb/blog_rating

And back in the day, I would've at least emptied all the air outta their tires.

Katie J said...

You stabbed the ball? Awesome!

Gretchen said...

My husband started throwing away other kids crap that was left in our yard.

Good for you on the stabbing. Ha!

Liv N Learn said...

You should collect all their crap in trash bags and leave it on their lawn after a few months of crap accumulates in your collection. I have my own little Clampett problem. I fully plan to send my husband and daughter out for an afternoon just so I can sit in my front window with a paintball gun and a crazed look in my eye. That wasn't just a ball you slashed. You sent a message for all of us! LOL.

Becky said...

Hooray for you, slashing the ball! We used to have crack-dealing neighbors, and their nasty preteen kids were constantly out in the street playing basketball and leaving the balls in front of our house and at the end of our driveway. Those things make a really satisfying pop when you back over them with a minivan!

zandor said...

I'm sorry about the crazy bad day, but the end of that story was kind of hilarious.

sonyarasi said...

An 87 year old lady just got arrested for stealing a ball from neighbors that landed in her yard.Mandatory ball-slaughter?

Anonymous said...

That is so awesome. Don't leave it in your garage tho - that's incriminating. Maybe paint something creepy on it and leave it on their grass in the middle of the night.

I love how you react to stuff. I always end up yelling "right on!" or "go lotta!" when I read this stuff. You should consider doing an occasional advice-column bit to us fellow overwhelmed moms.

PS I just thought about old your 'ass chicken' post and started laughing out loud here in my cubicle like a psycho.

Michelle said...

I needed that laugh today..Are you sure you only stabbed it one time? Or did you keep doing it to get your frustration out...it's okay if you did:)

Amber Dawn said...

I'm right there with ya my fellow ball slasher. And I once read something like "the quickest way to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable"