Sallie Mae, It's not me. It's you.

Sallie Mae is my psycho girlfriend. She always knows right when I've walked into the house and calls within 5 minutes. If I don't pick up the phone after seeing "Sallie Mae" on the caller ID. So she makes her friend loan her their phone, and calls back a few minutes later with "MCC'" on the caller ID. Or some 1-800 number. But it's always her. All casual and, "Hold on for this important call." As if.

Hanging up on her only seems to make her more persistent. And when I finally do talk to her she's so darn pushy. Wants me to write her a bunch of postdated checks. I'm like, "Lady. I can write them - but you and I both know it's a lie." And still, she keeps trying.

I think I may have to defer this relationship for a year or two. Get some personal space to regroup. Though I know she's always there. Waiting. Ready to talk about us, and how we'll ease back into the relationship with tiered payment plans. But it always ends with her wanting more than I want to give. I wonder if she knows about the little piece I have on the side with Chase bank?

5 comments:

LSL said...

Awesome. I knew I'd love this one from the title. SM has me by the balls.

My favorite thing said about SM is, of course, from David Sedaris: "Sallie Mae sounds like a naive and barefoot hillbilly girl but in fact they are a ruthless and aggressive conglomeration of bullies located in a tall brick building somewhere in Kansas. I picture it to be the tallest building in that state and I have decided they hire their employees straight out of prison."

GumballGrenade said...

I can't wait to give Aunt Sallie the boot and then lock her out for good!

Lulu said...

You ARE HIGHLARIOUS. So so so funny. I want to be you for Christmas. Or maybe forever.

Christina said...

Sallie left me alone after I went back to school. Apparently she doesn't like poor students and won't call me back until I leave college again.

Daily Spirit Online said...

LOL! Yeah. You have to either be extreme to match her extremes or get really tired putting up a bunch of boundaries that she will do her best to push past.