When son was was younger he use to tell me that he loved that I was squishy when he would curl up on my lap. Then at his first day of preschool he surprised me by loudly pointing out that another mom had a bigger ass than me. And I was 90% mortified and 10% "Yes! Someone's ass is bigger than mine!".
Then the other night we were watching Dancing With The Stars (don't judge me man) and he said, "Mom do you wish you looked like her?" when a dancer came on. I gave my usual, "God makes all shapes and sizes of people" spiel and he seemed satisfied. But then today he said, "Mom - what would you look like if you lost 100 pounds?". Where did that come from? How did he arbitrarily pull the number 100 out?
I think I've been pretty good about not complaining about my weight in front of the kids. And even when I was doing Weight Watchers I tried not to do the weigh in with them. Or if I did I would let them weigh in too and then high five them for gaining weight and getting bigger. And husband has said many times that he thinks I'm cute as is. So I'm kind of confused as to where this is coming from?
But son's awareness of my shape is freaking me out a bit. I don't want my kids to be embarrassed because I'm heavier. But at the same time I don't want them to think that you have to look a certain way, be a certain weight to be attractive. I fully support the Big Beautiful Bite Me movement. And "fat" is actually in our list of bad words. We say, "That person is bigger".
But it is still hard to hear son's comments. Likely because I do think I need to lose more weight. I've gained back about 5 pounds since abandoning the Gin In My Apron Pocket dieting efforts. And I do go to sleep vowing to do Atkins and wake up to serve myself a heap'n help'n of Corn Flakes.
Despite wanting to lose and being freaked out that son is noticing my weight - I'm just not sure I'm ready to melt tall buildings with my ketosis breath. Or brave the Weight Watcher's weigh in lady's stink eye yet. I'm back in limbo land. That sucky place where you are unhappy with your weight but not doing anything about it. Versus accepting where you are or rallying to lose the pounds.