Weighty Thoughts

When son was was younger he use to tell me that he loved that I was squishy when he would curl up on my lap. Then at his first day of preschool he surprised me by loudly pointing out that another mom had a bigger ass than me. And I was 90% mortified and 10% "Yes! Someone's ass is bigger than mine!".

Then the other night we were watching Dancing With The Stars (don't judge me man) and he said, "Mom do you wish you looked like her?" when a dancer came on. I gave my usual, "God makes all shapes and sizes of people" spiel and he seemed satisfied. But then today he said, "Mom - what would you look like if you lost 100 pounds?". Where did that come from? How did he arbitrarily pull the number 100 out?

I think I've been pretty good about not complaining about my weight in front of the kids. And even when I was doing Weight Watchers I tried not to do the weigh in with them. Or if I did I would let them weigh in too and then high five them for gaining weight and getting bigger. And husband has said many times that he thinks I'm cute as is. So I'm kind of confused as to where this is coming from?

But son's awareness of my shape is freaking me out a bit. I don't want my kids to be embarrassed because I'm heavier. But at the same time I don't want them to think that you have to look a certain way, be a certain weight to be attractive. I fully support the Big Beautiful Bite Me movement. And "fat" is actually in our list of bad words. We say, "That person is bigger".

But it is still hard to hear son's comments. Likely because I do think I need to lose more weight. I've gained back about 5 pounds since abandoning the Gin In My Apron Pocket dieting efforts. And I do go to sleep vowing to do Atkins and wake up to serve myself a heap'n help'n of Corn Flakes.

Despite wanting to lose and being freaked out that son is noticing my weight - I'm just not sure I'm ready to melt tall buildings with my ketosis breath. Or brave the Weight Watcher's weigh in lady's stink eye yet. I'm back in limbo land. That sucky place where you are unhappy with your weight but not doing anything about it. Versus accepting where you are or rallying to lose the pounds.

11 comments:

Joie said...

Kids are so overexposed to image these days. What is important is your health, not your size, and there are so many skinny women who are not as healthy as those with some meat on them. My housekeeper tells me about another client who only drinks wine and has a cigarette for dinner and has lost a ton of weight. Yeah, well, we know where that goes. Anyway, you are beautiful but I can understand why this would freak you out. *Hugs*

Juliet said...

Here's how I solved this problem after years of major body issues. I am dedicated to my health through good nutrition and exercise. The focus is off weight entirely. If I am a healthy and energetic size 10 THAT'S AWESOME. I've been a size 4 and was miserable. If you make it about your health and not your size, it's easier and healthier.
May daughter is 6 and doesn't watch television and even she is starting to focus on this and it TERRIFIES me because I had such issues as a youngster. Ack.

Anonymous said...

Well, i do not know you or have ever seen you in person, but the photos i've seen on your blog. you are beautiful. really. and a wonderful mom. and honest and true and good.

no worries. no way he is embarrassed. the kid has the most kick ass mom ever.

l.

Anonymous said...

I recently started the Body For Life diet/exercise plan. I've got muscles now, and I feel strong for the first time in my life. Do whatever you do for you...it won't work any other way. If you are happy as-is, I know your son will pick up on that, and that will be his lasting impression of you - not your shape.
I also just finished the book "Such a pretty fat" which was hilarious (written by Jen Lancaster, whose sense of humor reminds me of my fav. blog ladies like yourself). This is the only reason I know what "ketosis breath" is. :-)

michele said...

Why is it that no one remarks when men gain weight as they age? Even my still-slender husband has gained 10 lbs. since we married.

My advice is to take pride in the way you look no matter what size you are. There are stylish clothes available in all sizes and a good haircut and a little makeup never hurts. If you show that you take pride in the way you look your son will notice.

Also, remember, most of the people who know you today didn't know you when you were young and thin. They know how you look today, and the kind of person you are today. That's what counts.

Besides, it's not a bad thing to have children who enjoy snuggling up to you because you're "squishy." Not a bad thing at all.

Betts said...

Hey, I watch DWTS too. Let's watch and be proud! I've got a little weight that's crept up on me. But diet and exercise seems like a lot of work. I know I need to do something soon before more weight creeps on and it gets overwhelming. I keep making excuses and putting it off.

Amy Kate said...

Did I ever tell you about finding papers, drawings, etc. from pre-school/kindergarten wherein I said something like "I wish my mom was skinny" and stuff like that? I look at that now, and can't believe the teacher actually wrote that down for me, because I would likely bawl my eyes out if Char came home with that, in print, from school. BUT...we were also a family with an aunt who would say "You better watch it, your ass is getting big. Look at your dad's size, you don't want to look like that." I'd take that over my bulimic/anorexic cousin who kicked that habit for 28 years and is now taking it back up at age 38...
Do what you're doing, you are adorable and your weight will go down when you're ready for it to go down. I always like to pull the "they may be bigger than aunty b's, but they work fine and I can dance, run, kick a ball, and walk around with you guys" when one of the kids (not mine) said something about my legs being HUGE. Which they are not. My belly? Sure. Face? Duh. Arms? big. Legs? I didn't think so. I hate 8 year olds.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

I feel this post. Trapped with a grandmother who broke her hip at age 40, because she dieted from about age 10 to avoid 'getting fat'. And my mom, who dieted and dieted herself bigger and bigger, started out with 5 lbs to lose when she was 13 or so, ended up over 300lbs. Which contributed to her death at a young age. Not all of it, but some. Perhaps a lot. And here I am, thinking of how I'd like to lose 20 lbs, and that I don't want to start down the paths either of these wonderful, amazing women, who somehow let their weight define them, have started for me.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

Just read my comment again, and realized it's not clear...my grandmother has probably never weighed more than 105 while not pregnant in her life. Osteoporosis is what broke her hip at 40, and now her leg at 86 (more common).

PamKittyMorning said...

Yikes. So did you discuss it with him? Maybe he heard some kid talking about it. Society sucks at this kind of thing, and can totally counteract what you have going at home. This is also a fine time for your husband to talk to him as well. We tried to just talk about healthy etc. Daughter still has weight issues even though she is small. Sadly there is only so much you can control. Believe me,I know for sure. xo

LSL said...

I feel like I've said this recently, but I just want to say it again. I'm kid-less but I adore your writing. Your honesty and humor keep me going sometimes. And your colonoscopy post helped me through my own glorious procedure earlier today. Please keep twittering and writing!

Also, I struggle so much with my weight. I lost 35 lbs last year with NutriSystem and gained 10 back after losing my job earlier this year. My sis got to her goal weight with NS last year and she's stayed there. I'm going back on NS this week to get rid of that 10 and start chipping away at the other 40 that needs to go! Thanks for writing genuinely about your struggle. And good luck!