If That's What You're Into.

The Bloggess is now writing a fantastic sex satire column for the online magazine Sexis. Jenny has such a great talent for retaining thoughts that the rest of us entertain and then forget about. So when I read her I am both in awe of her comic genius and yelling, "Yes, yes! I totally thought that too!"

Her latest column is about guys we surprisingly do and don't want to have sex with. The men that our partners would never suspect us of lusting in our hearts after. And the men they think we want but we really don't. Like Tom Cruise.

Her list of do's includes:
"The deformed guy from Mask because he was nice and also he seems like he’d be really grateful." - The Bloggess, Sexis
But when I tried think of what my own odd bump'n ugly list would be - stumped! All I could think of was the beauty that is Jemaine from Flight Of The Conchords (he is too hot!) and Brad Pitt. Good looking men was all I had on the brain.

Which made me realize that I'm far more superficial than I suspected. Sure, husband is gorgeous - but he's also the nicest guy in the world. And the only man I've known that thinks it's hilarious to browbeat each other as foreplay.
Me: You gonna keep your goddamn black business socks on?

Husband: Hell yes woman.

Me: (Pause) That is so hot - get over here!
His sexy face was just a lucky bonus, right? I had to think of some bizarre pretend sex partners to prove that I wasn't all about looks alone.

So far this is all I've come up with.

1. Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs. I've seen what this man eats so this would have to be a no kissing, behind the barn, slivers in your ass good time. Preferably before he goes to help turn bull pizzles into vases at the factory.

2. The guy with the sideburns from the Wiggles. The one who sings lead on Fruit Salad. But he would have to take off the blue turtleneck.

3. The Bare Naked Ladies singers. Even the one that's in rehab.

4. Actually, pretty much all Canadians.

5. Southern men. Smooth talking southerners. Not Bubbajoebob. No deliverance backdoor action thank you anyhow.

That's all I can think of. And frankly, I would still rather do Jemaine. After he sings to me of course.

8 comments:

Miss Yvonne said...

Ooooh, the Flight of the Conchords guy....those lips, those weird teeth, those glasses. Slurp. That's me licking his face.

Also...Mike Rowe. Holy. Hell. That man is one big delicious slice of beefcake.

lapetitevie said...

Ah yes, another Jemaniac. Now I've got sugar lumps in my head. Not a bad thing...

erin said...

Vincent DiNofrio?
He's always been my favorite hot but not hot guy.

You know who's not hot, that kid from the Twilight movie. I just don't get it. Not Hot At All.

Anonymous said...

You. Are. Bent. lol!

Molly said...

OMG! My husband gives me a hard time about Mike Rowe allllll the time - he makes me really smile - and Ed from BNL is totally on my list!! Fabulous list! I also like Eric Stoltz a lot :)

Karen Sugarpants said...

Erm, ALL Canadians?

Lotta said...

Karen - It may take awhile.

Betts said...

Hmmm, Santa Claus and any British guy that speaks good King's English, not Cockney.