Fail

Lately I've been feeling like I just can't get my shit together. Writing, getting stuff together for the shop, keeping the house clean, managing the budget for the family.

Chores when the kids are home is akin to attempting to work whilst small monkies hump you and screech in your ear. I'm all burnt out and spinny. My sister asked if I just needed a break. And I felt like there could not be enough break time in the world available to me.

I think it's more about me just failing then my load being too heavy. There is this internal dialogue that tells me if I was better organized, got up earlier, did whateverthehell better it would be just fine. But I'm just tired. And my head hurts. And my kids and husband - feel like walking, breathing expectations that I keep failing to live up to.

19 comments:

Joie said...

Feeling much the same way lately. Maybe it's a summer thing?

Kate said...

I feel your pain. Can't find a job, losing motivation to stuff at home, just want to curl up and sleep, but laundry beckons and I have to get supper ready. Kevin works so many hours and I feel like an ass for not being able to even GET a job and not having the house perfect every day even though I am home. It sucks.

Huge hugs, my friend...

peony paperie said...

School will start back soon! (I mean that in a helpful way, but I apologize if it doesn't help!)

I feel the same way. Gain all my motivation in the shower, and then lose it ALL by the time I have panties on. I'd rather just never get motivated, than have the disappointment of not following through.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Awww...yes i feel that way sometimes. You'll sort it out, start by giving yourself a break and not being so hard on yourself. It sounds like you are responsible for many things. If your sister wants to help by all means let her. Have her help you tidy up the house or take the kids for a few hours while you get things done that need your full attention, I don't know how old the kids are but maybe they can help tidy up as well...The "better" way can be elusive you have to find the way that works for you and your busy life! You'll get it.

Peace - Rene

184Days said...

I totally understand what you're saying. You want to get the house straightened up, but if you do it when the kids are around, it'll just be a mess again and it'll take you 3x as long. So you say, "well, I'll wait until they're in bed." But by the time they're in bed, you're wiped out and just want a little peace, quiet, and down time. So you say, "well, I'll get up a little early tomorrow and get things done." But the little buggers decide to wake up at the crack of a** and you find yourself with two wired kids and a messy house. Not fun. Not fun at all.

Darla~SassyHomemaker said...

{hugs} It's summer, I promise in the fall it gets better (says the person who has already lost her fargin mind).

PamKittyMorning said...

Its summer and everyone is in the same boat probably. I remember days like that. You'll get through them, let the house go a bit, its not going to kill you. Or them. But my best advice to you as someone who has a kid who is now almost 22 so I've been through it.... stop kicking yourself. Its a big job and lots of times its hard. xop

Kathi D said...

I know JUST how you feel. I have been taking "naps" every day--I put that in quotes because I sleep anywhere from 1-3 hours! and it's because I reach a point in the day that I feel like I can't even think about accomplishing anything and so I shut down and go to sleep. It sucks!

I have a dr. appt. next month and I'm hoping to get a medication change that might help, but who knows.

Anonymous said...

Aww, this made me laugh, and empathize and want to give you a hug! You are certainly not alone - we have all felt that way. So, don't try to be superwoman!

I personally find that I'd rather have a dusty, disorganized house and memories of hanging out with my kid while he's young and still thinks I'm cool. When he's 15 and sulking in his room being too cool to hang with me, well, then, I'll have plenty of time to tidy up. :-)

Don't get up earlier...it will only make you grouchy. Take it easy on yourself and find ways to cut corners. You can always have your house in Southern Living Magazine later on down the line!

Paige said...

Oh man it's like you are in my head! I have been feeling that way for the last month, I just can't seem to find the motvation to get things done! It's very frustrating! Let me know if you find the secret on to how to get it all done! oh and ps you are not a failure!

Kathi D said...

P.S. Re-reading this morning (because you are stuck in my head, yes you are) I want to say that I feel that "walking, breathing expectations" thing too, but I have a feeling that most of the critical voices I hear are coming from inside my own head.

I read an interview with Jeff Garlin (comedian, "Curb Your Enthusiasm") once. He said that having ADD was, for him, an inability to feel joy. I had never thought of it that way, but I understand it. It's why we are always looking, looking, looking for something to excite us.

Anyway. You are not alone. And you are not a failure. I guess maybe that means I'm not one, either. It's harder for me to believe it about myself than about you. (Vice versa, I'm sure.)

LSL said...

I'm sorry to hear this. Maybe get your inner dialogue drunk? Hang in there.

Aimee Greeblemonkey said...

I could have totally written this post.

xoxox

Katie J said...

Is it the stars? The ocean pull? The dog days of summer? I'm totally in the same boat and vacillating between paddling like crazy to get to shore and just throwing the oars in the water and floating with no clear path. Perhaps I just need a vacation near the water.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Not that it really helps.

Bit said...

Peony Paperie said "Gain all my motivation in the shower, and then lose it ALL by the time I have panties on" Maybe the key is to do it all in the buff. Bet that would catch some attention.

Sarah said...

I, too, could've totally written this post. Most maddening thing in the world. I hope you get some time to breathe and think through what you need to do to make it work. I'm crunchy, so I went to my naturopath and the steps we've taken have helped. Do not be afraid/ashamed to find some help, be it medical or more direct.

Never read your blog before, but it's fucking hysterical AND I can identify. Brilliant.

Lotta said...

Your comments all rock - thank you.

uthostage said...

I completely understand. I've been feeling that way myself for a while now. I haven't quite figured out how to do even some of the things I want to do, even though I know that if I did, the list wouldn't seem so overwhelming.

Hang in there. It will get better. And always remember that you're awesome!

Amy said...

Get out of my head (!)

I could have written this exact post.