Whenever anyone asks me what my life plans are my answers come out in a big woosh of fast talking, loud sentences. My reply is a combination of what I think I should be doing, what I think people would approve of me doing and plans that I think will cause the least amount of judgement or dissension.
I'm a big plotter, and I speak aloud. Always talking about how I'm going to find a way to budget better, lose weight, attack my career, mind my manners and so on. It's fucking exhausting.
I was scheming aloud in this way with a good friend of mine when I paused and interjected, "I may not always do what I'm supposed to, or do things correctly, but at least I'm always trying to improve myself. Right?" She thought about it and then said, "But why do you always think that you are never enough as you are?"
And you know what? She is dead right. I don't. I do not think that I am enough. As is.
And I take my measure all too often when I find people that will agree with that perspective. And the worst part? I have been hard selling them on the concept that I'm not enough for quite some time. By constantly talking about all the ways that I'm going to make myself "better and improved" I sort of imply to others that the current model is a bit of a lemon.
What would happen if when someone asked me what my plans were (will I be going back to work soon, am I going to lose weight, etc.) I replied with, "I don't know" or "We'll see" or even "I don't have any".
It would mean letting go of a really BIG thing that I do. And that's hurriedly calculating what it is I believe that person wants to hear and making them feel as comfortable as possible with my answer. Because people like to commiserate, or plan together, or to just know your business. So those vague non-scheming answers could be pretty unsatisfying for them.
So I'm going to try to get myself to hear that I am actually enough as I am. And any improvements I manage will just be gravy. Not to feel like I need to lay out big plans so people won't notice that I'm currently lacking.
That said, I do promise not to say daily affirmations aloud or at least not into a mirror when people are around. I may mutter, "I am enough" into the amber reflection of my beer glass. But when you ask me what I've said, I'll just reply, "I would like some nuts." Kay?