I Would Like Some Nuts

Whenever anyone asks me what my life plans are my answers come out in a big woosh of fast talking, loud sentences. My reply is a combination of what I think I should be doing, what I think people would approve of me doing and plans that I think will cause the least amount of judgement or dissension.

I'm a big plotter, and I speak aloud. Always talking about how I'm going to find a way to budget better, lose weight, attack my career, mind my manners and so on. It's fucking exhausting.

I was scheming aloud in this way with a good friend of mine when I paused and interjected, "I may not always do what I'm supposed to, or do things correctly, but at least I'm always trying to improve myself. Right?" She thought about it and then said, "But why do you always think that you are never enough as you are?"

And you know what? She is dead right. I don't. I do not think that I am enough. As is.

And I take my measure all too often when I find people that will agree with that perspective. And the worst part? I have been hard selling them on the concept that I'm not enough for quite some time. By constantly talking about all the ways that I'm going to make myself "better and improved" I sort of imply to others that the current model is a bit of a lemon.

What would happen if when someone asked me what my plans were (will I be going back to work soon, am I going to lose weight, etc.) I replied with, "I don't know" or "We'll see" or even "I don't have any".

It would mean letting go of a really BIG thing that I do. And that's hurriedly calculating what it is I believe that person wants to hear and making them feel as comfortable as possible with my answer. Because people like to commiserate, or plan together, or to just know your business. So those vague non-scheming answers could be pretty unsatisfying for them.

So I'm going to try to get myself to hear that I am actually enough as I am. And any improvements I manage will just be gravy. Not to feel like I need to lay out big plans so people won't notice that I'm currently lacking.

That said, I do promise not to say daily affirmations aloud or at least not into a mirror when people are around. I may mutter, "I am enough" into the amber reflection of my beer glass. But when you ask me what I've said, I'll just reply, "I would like some nuts." Kay?

22 comments:

Kathi D said...

I endorse that plan 100%! Not that you should care! (Because you shouldn't.)

"I'm smart enough, I'm good enough, and gosh darn it, people like me" is a pretty good affirmation, really.

Kate said...

Amen, sister! I have the same issue and will be right there with ya in asking for nuts. Ok that doesn't sound right but you know what I mean. ;-)

PamKittyMorning said...

Sounds like a plan! xo

IamSusie said...

This is so true! People will reflect back the messages we send out. If we give out an "I'm exasperated with finances and I should get a job" vibe, they'll commiserate with us about that. If we start talking about different things like, "my crafty life is really rewarding" or something like that, the conversations turn into what's rewarding and not about what is lacking.

Who are these people asking a parent of small children about "life's plans"? Uh ... to raise up my children to be happy and successful? So far it seems to be going well!

Katie J said...

Well said. Loving the comments, too.

Thanks.

Lotta said...

Thanks all! Susie - you said that better than me about people reflecting back what you talk to them about.

And "life plans" could be as simple as asking if I'm going to grow my hair to whether or not I'm going to go back to work.

I think most people ask because they are figuring out their own stuff and they are curious about you. Nothing wrong there. It's my own response that needs to simmah down!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I love it! I love, love, love your blog! Every time I click into it I never know if I'm gonna laugh or get therapy. Today was very good therapy. I needed to hear that. You are a real treasure.
Elizabeth

diana said...

I'm a planner. I kind of like it though. Maybe that's my downfall right there, I like making myself miserable. ;-)

Lotta said...

Diana - I'll never escape being a planner. The glitch is that I don't think I'm good enough and so I need to always plan improvements. That's different from being happy where you are and planning for growth.

Anonymous said...

First off...you ARE good enough. Just the way you are. (just like from the movie "bridget jones diary...just as you are").

I stuggle with this, too. Now I answer, to the "what are your plans for xx amount of time?", with......nothing. nothing at all.

l.

Laura said...

with my family I am "the nice sister" and "the quiet one". Mostly because they are always asking me what I'm doing, what my plans are and a hundred other questions I can't answer (or don't really want to). I like your plan. :)

Vanessa said...

Your post is the twin sister to my post today! I hear you loud and clear. Would you like to join me in the land of "I rocked and I don't give a rat's ass if you agree with me."

Whitman said "I exist as I am. That is all." I am literally considering tattooing that on myself so I never forget.

LSL said...

Please don't go away. Ever.

Kim said...

Very good. Very, very good.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I'm a big planner too!
xo

plumtickled said...

Oh Lotta... I wish I lived near you. I think you're a complete package... I envy you. I know it's hard to hear because I get emails and comment like this on my blog and I feel like such a poser.

I know where you come from. Just keep in mind that we all think we should be better... this can be a good thing. Just try to slow down, relax, and conquer only one thing. Like spelling conquer correctly... I'm too 'effin lazy to figure out if it's correct or now so screw it.

It's enough. Right?

Gwen said...

Man, you've got one wise friend. :)

Lotta said...

Thanks again all!

Gwen - I do. The Swiss are very wise.

Chris said...

I saw a picture of you with the blow up doll and you were beautiful! (Thought you should know) I know it may not be possible, but see if you can avoid that job thing. It blows.

karen pery said...

Lotta - you're a genius! Not only for this huge (sorry healthy) dose of self-awareness, but for owning it and sharing it. You are enough, have always been, and will always be.

Karen (aka jakelliesmom)

Miss Jess said...

You're not alone Lotta...I feel the same way nearly everyday. It's exhausting but I have hope that if I keep plugging away and telling myself that I am good enough as is, that someday, somehow, I will believe it for myself.

raine said...

I want to be your neighbor. I'll come over in the morning with mimosas.