Lotta Goes Bra Shopping - Possibly Not Allowed To Return To Store

The benefit of losing 25lbs? Your clothing gets loose. So loose that you can pull the waistband of your jeans waaay out and yell, "Get in my belly" in your best Scottish accent to your husband. Who is frankly not at all that amused.

The drawback? Your boobs disappear rapidly. Suddenly my lightly padded bras were indenting if I leaned against the countertop. The girls were hiding inside them like scared kittens huddled in a beige cave. Not pretty. So I took a friend's advice and went to Nordstroms for a bra fitting to find out how bad the damage was.

When I first walked into my dressing room stall I was unsure of how to proceed, so I sat down and awaited instruction like a good Lutheran bride. My fitter came into the room, closed the door and explained that I should remove my top and face the wall. Which quite frankly freaked me out. Because that's exactly the sort of thing they tell you in prison. And because I have no censors that's what I said aloud to my professional bra fitter, "That's exactly the sort of thing they tell you in prison." Awkward.

Apparently, the way this works is that after they have taken your measure with a dressmakers tape, they hold an accurately fitted bra out in front of you. It sort of suddenly appears and you are supposed to modestly slide your arms into it. Then they hook up the back and say, "Ok, make sure you get all of your breasts in there sweetheart." Really? All of them?

Turns out that they want you to lift and scoop. Shimmy the girls in like you're trying to make some tip money. Also turns out that technically you can call the fat under your armpits "breast tissue". And if you smoosh it inside the bra you can claim up to a 1/4 cup size larger. Sweet.

The crazy thing is that I went down two sizes round the perimeter and UP a cup size. Could not wrap my head around that one till I was informed that the full figured, putty colored wonders I was buying at Kohls are vanity sized. So basically, Kohls was lying to me. Instead of marking my bigass bras accurately they decided "What the hell, she's already bought that "fuller figure" bullshit. Let's let her think she's a C cup."

When I tried on the new bras my helper brought me I wasn't used to such a tight fit. So I began obsessing about my back fat showing. Till the woman finally looked at me like I was simple and said, "Honey" (hand on her hip) "Your bra 'aint 'bout your back. It's 'bout your front." We stared at each other for a full minute and then broke into hysterical laughter. And she continued on to tell me that if you look good from the front, "'ain't nobody gonna be looking at your back honey." Truer words.

But she kept bringing me white after white brassiere until I yelled, "My God woman I have been with my husband for 20 years bring me some primary colors or I'll start loudly asking if it's normal for you to measure my cup sizes with your palms!"

After strong arming her into bringing some cute ones into the dressing room I asked her, "So does this look good?" To which she replied, "I can't tell you if they look good! I can just tell you if they fit!" And I asked, "What...you got me naked and now you can't tell me I'm pretty?" She loves me.

Eventually we found a bra that the fitter admitted looked decent and de-emphasised the fact that I have only one good boob. So I bought one very lovely Wacoal brand bra. One bra. Why just one after all that? Because real lady bras. The kind with lace and two hooks? They are fucking expensive. Like a month's worth of hot lunch for your children expensive.

And I guess you aren't supposed to throw them in the dryer and let the hooks get all bendy either. You have to hand wash them and promise not to pull them off through the arms of your sweater and throw them on the floor in disgust at the end of the day.

It's exhausting work being all ladylike. But at least in my new bra my boobs don't go concave when I carry my library books.

16 comments:

sam {temptingmama} said...

I've never ever gone for a bra fitting. Never. I envision much as you have described. Prison and all.

I do need a new sports bra though....

normative behavior said...

So. rediculously. expensive.

corrin said...

I go for a fitting about once a year at Intimacy and plunk down a months worth of rent for a few new bras. It's so worth it though.

Chibi Jeebs said...

I've been fitted once and it was the most uncomfortable thing I've experienced in my life.

Also? The super spendy bra? Made my back hurt like a mofo, so I was back to my Warner's boxed bras within a month.

I think I fail at boobs.

Lotta said...

Sam - Me too! I would like to emerge from this running adventure we are starting with my boobs still above waist.

Normative - Crazy expensive. But I admit, so much prettier too. I think I might have actually ogled myself the other day.

Corrin - I am saving my pennies to get another on now that I know what size to get.

Chibi - I really liked Wacoal - most comfortable pretty bra I tried on for sure.

Lynn @ Walking With Scissors said...

Have I thanked you lately for coming back to me? Because this is the hardest I've laughed at a blog post in a LONG time. 100% pure awesome.

SoMo said...

Welcome back, you were missed.

I got fitted, correctly, after my second son and I was 1. shocked at my size (let's say I didn't know bras went pass DD) and 2. the price. But how much better my back felt. It is true you should let the strap around your back support your breasts, not the ones over your shoulders. I got fitted at a medical supply store, oh the sexiness.

Since then I have had "bra fitters" try to measure me and they always come back saying I need a 40. Then I try it on and ask them why is it around my ankles. Just a warning, ladies, those bitches at Victoria's Secret are NOT professional bra fitters. They are a menace to society's breasts.

Lotta said...

Lynn - Aww, that made my afternoon. Love making people laugh.

SoMo - I used to work at Victoria's Secrets back in college and I can tell you with confidence that we had no idea what the hell we were doing.

The only thing I would trust a V.S. worker to measure out would be my lemon drop shot.

LSL said...

I can't believe you said the prison comment. That made my day. :)

Isn't Nordy's the best? That's where I got my first and very best bra fitting done. The others have been jokes compared to that.

I've been losing some weight as well lately and I'm not happy to report that my breasts look like partially-deflated balloons. I'm holding out for a few more pounds, but then it's definitely time for another fitting to prop them up!

LSL said...

Holy shit, the lemon drop comment. You need to take this show on the road.

curlykew said...

Now that you have a size and brand you like, try hitting up http://figleaves.com - they have Wacoal brand for much cheaper than you'll find at Nordy's.

Gretchen said...

No doubt. I don't mind they've gotten a bit smaller, I just wish they weren't so long...

I just bought myself a new VS bra - only because I wanted out the the Beige Bra Brigade in the worst way after losing 35 pounds (now 40). Needless to say, my spouse loves the new bra.

Darla said...

Bwahhaahhahaahahh bwahahahahahahahah bwahahahahahahah

I have been wanting to go to a Nordstrom's (a simple 4 hour drive from here) to have a bra fitter fit me, but OMG I'm not sure I'd ever be able to keep a straight face after reading this.

Lotta said...

Seriously LOVE hearing that I made you all laugh. Made my day!

LoJo said...

After I lost a lot of weight, I had to restock the bra drawer, too. My problem wasn't that the girls were hiding like scared kittens, they were all of the sudden floozies! They fall out repeatedly all day long. Just fall out. Reach for a pen, flop. Pick up the phone, floom. I was always tucking them back in. Apparently they weren't used to the sudden freedom from 6 hook WarZone bras. The two hook-ers were making them think we were braless! (Odd side note...weird to write about the girls when Why Is Daddy Cryin is staring out from the bottom of the website. Feels like I'm writing to him...weird.)

Sex Selection said...

Love this. Made me laugh.