Ass Play

A few months ago I discovered a pleasure that has me hooked, begging for more even...the ass rub. See I had this shooting pain down my right ass cheek and right hip that would not go away. So one night I threw myself across husband's lap, heiny cheeks facing upwards, and begged for a good hard platonic rub down. He delivered that night and for several nights to follow until the tush and hip pain was gone.

Ever since then I find myself faking a limp to get a good rear end rub down. So much so that husband has tested me by saying things like, "Did you notice that someone left a twenty on the top shelf of the pantry?" to see if my limp will hold as I scamper up onto the countertop to grab it.

You would think that a woman laying across your lap yelling "Harder! Deeper!" would be hot. But, not so much since I usually fall asleep about halfway through. A deep, drooly, oh my God that butt massage was awesome, passing out. And husband is left with his lovely wife, mother of his children, pinning him down on the couch so he's unable to get up to get another beer.


I can't help myself, I was first hooked on the buzzy relaxation of platonic touching when the girls in my third grade class would brush and braid my long hair. Then came the scoliosis tests with a gentle spine rub, the lice tests that lazily dragged two black combs across your scalp and even the soft pressing of the underside of your chin during a gland check at a physical. Suffice to say, I get all melty at a good, friendly petting. Like a cat - only I don't shove my butt in your face for more...oh wait. Ok, like a cat.

I suppose I should step up and let the butt rubs turn into something more in order to get them more frequently. A game of I'magonnaspankyou or something. But it's so damn relaxing to have those kinks worked out while he watches Whale Wars and I drift off to limpid ass dreams. I had no idea I clenched my ass so much as to warrant these massages, but apparently I'm a clencher.

Overdraw the account - clench.
Listening to the kid's whine - double clench.
Quieting the voice inside my head that berates me - triple clench.

"Maybe I'm sore because we did it last night?" I reasoned while I watched husband burst into laughter. "Hey I MEET you, it's not like I am not an active participant". I then demonstrated my "meeting" technique to more laughter. "Fine. Rub my butt again and I'll make you some cookies." I started to say I would up the ante to a double batch, but as soon as he heard cookies I was ass up. Aaah. Zzzzzz.

(click to enlarge pic)


Queen of the Mayhem said...

The ass rub.....there is NO truer sign of love!

I am thoroughly convinced my husband gives me bad massages on purpose...just so I'll quit asking him! :)

LSL said...

I've been getting massages for years and years, and at one point a massage therapist finally included my glutes in the rubdown. I was shocked! It was the best part! I'd clearly been missing out . . . and still miss out. Rarely does a therapist go there. But I sure love it when they do!

Lotta said...

Queen - We had a therapist tell us about "The 5 Languages of Love" and ask us to name the language that speaks to us. We have been laughing about that ever since. My husband will say, "If you blew me I would really feel loved. I think that's my language of love." and I'll say "If you rubbed my ass I would feel that you were really speaking my language of love" and on and on till we are crying with laughter. Good stuff.

LSL - Seriously, glutes. And you know what else? Hands. You would be surprised how good it feels to get a good hand massage.

Angela (Posy Moe) said...

Yeeeessss, the ass rub. There's nothing like it. And why, WHY? are they so hard to come by? Oh, I'm getting some ass play to-night.

Michele said...

Hysterical! Ooooooh the ass rub. After my second kiddo, I had major sciatic & pirformis (sp?) issues in my butt/back legs. OB ordered PT at Delnor. OMG, now THEY take ass rubbing to a whole new level. I almost wanted to fake I wasn't any better to keep going... And then they hook up this electric stim machine and put a huge weighted, warm blanket over it. And I didn't even have to make cookies or promise favors. ;) Love you girl, you make me blush & laugh hysterically. Michele

Lotta said...

Angela - I hope you got it!

Michele - Oh my God that weighted blanket sounds like heaven. I love that sensation!