Cleaning For Company

Most days I feel like, "not bad, s'alright" when I survey the house. Sure, there might be an avalanche of heel piercing Lego's on the kitchen floor but it's a floor I'm pretty confident that I wet mopped sometime this week. And watching Hoarders tells me that as long as there are no dead, flat cats layered in the junk I'm holding my own as a haus frau.

Then a spontaneous dinner party happens. A "Hey, we're in your neighborhood and have a bottle of wine in our backseat. Want to join forces, order pizza and mutually ignore our children together tonight?" phone call. Yes! Of course! It'll only take me a minute to light a few candles and fluff some pillows right? Wrong.

As soon as you realize guests are coming your viewpoint goes from hazy, soft candle light to 100 watt bare bulb swinging from the ceiling. All the stains in the couch rise up to the surface, especially that questionable one that looks like someone in the family has an incontinence issue. The gorgeously, thick 1926 wedding cake baseboards you and your husband drooled over when you bought the house? They are coated with 2 inches of dust, dog hair and grape jelly that would take a chisel to dislodge.

So you start with the basic company's company cleaning drill. You get on your hands and knees and plough through an overpriced plastic container of Clorox wipes de-hairing and de-pissing the bathroom. Your husband grabs the giant shop vac out of the workshop and starts sucking the hell out of the floors and furniture, not noticing the stinky poof poof of workshop dust that's emitting from the back of the vac.

You are throwing away Happy Meal toys, because sonofabitch they multiply while you sleep and they are everywhere. All the while turning a deaf ear to your children's cries of anguish as their beloved, most favorite, broken, chicken nugget scented plastic Shrek toy hits the bin. Your husband is now vacuuming the dog and announcing that when he's done he'll go clean the garage....and you scream at him that he has no company cleaning priorities cause who the hell is going into the garage tonight, and there is a Polly Pocket dangling from the ceiling fan that needs to be taken care of stat!

And about 10 minutes before company arrives you wash your armpits out in the sink, give the house and your family a quick spraying of Febreeze, shoot your husband an "I'm sorry to be a psycho bitch before company comes but this is the way of women my friend" look and pour both of you a big glass of something alcoholic.

Halfway through your evening you notice that now the sun's gone down you can see the jelly on the baseboards hardly at all. And your friend's smile and focus hasn't been on the Rorschach like stains on your sofa but on your company. And every time you were about to point out how messy your home was you were sidetracked with a fantastic story and laughed out loud instead. It has been a wonderful evening that has left you feeling warm and loved and happy to have opened up your perfectly flawed, perfectly inadequate, perfectly perfect home.


Shannon said...

OMG my hubby does the same thing. When I say "I really need your help to get things ready for people coming over" he is gung ho to help but always ends up cleaning our bedroom closet or some corner of the basement or organizing the linen closet. WTF??? It is always the same drill with me and people coming over - bathrooms, floors, surfaces and then if there's still time, we move on to other things. But why, WHY must he always chose the most obscure part of the house to make immaculate? God forbid the furnace room should be messy when we're having guests over!

Momomatic said...

Shannon - Yes!

fivefiveoseven said...

My husband LOVES to parade people through our laundry room. Would you not just sooner die than have your brother-in-law trying to find a way to open the door without thoroughly fondling the six bras you've got air drying on the laundry room door knob? God!

areyoukiddingme said...

My husband is the neat freak in our house. But we rarely entertain, and almost never on the spur of the moment, so we are fortunate to never have these issues.

Of course, any time anyone does come to our door, it's guaranteed that at least one of us (if not all of us) is in our underwear or pajamas.

jen duncan said...

Ohmygosh...I can't tell you the stress I feel every time the doorbell rings. What if it's someone I actually know and they want to step INSIDE? Oh man, I hate it! I think I'll shift from obsessing over losing 25 pounds to obsessing over getting this damn house back in order. For a while, anyway. :-)
SO GLAD to hear from you today. Just this morning I was culling my gmail contacts and came across your name...was so tempted to reach out and see how you were doing. What I nice surprise that you instead reached out to me. Glad to see you back to blogging. I just spent a good hour catching up on your posts since you restarted in February (I could've cleaned two bathrooms!) and I just love reading you. And you look beautiful. You do God dammit! So stop bein' mean to my friend Tanya.

SarahLynn said...

All I can say is,I didn't realize that you and your entire family lived in my house. Where exactly are you hiding? My husband and I laughed so hard at this post, tears actually ran down our faces. While we should feel horrified at our extreme slovenly behavior it's too funny to know that we are not the only one's.

SarahLynn said...

So, not to be a serial poster or anything, but husband and I saw the episode of the lady with not one, but two flattened cats, under all her crap. Not having watched the show that much, assumed that you were exaggerating about the cat thing. Now I know otherwise, but am highly disturbed. I feel as though I should shower for a week, or at least clean the house up a little, but hey, it could be worse, and I am strangely comforted by this knowledge.

Momomatic said...

Five - Are those the designated "man" areas? Or just their hiding places? I suspect the latter.

Areyou - Driving my son to school every morning has cured me of pajama lounging. But now I put my workout clothes on for the Y and keep them on all day, not a great habit.

Jen - You are my crafty hero! I was so happy to see your cool skirts on your blog. Happy to see you here too. Email me anytime, I'm excited to get crafty again. Just placed a big old order for some really pretty supplies.

Sarah - I love serial posters! Oooh that show will make you feel dirty and yet superior. Which is why it does well I suspect. Thanks for laughing with me!

Fran said...

Yes, yes, yes!

Mom O Matic said...

Fran - You are awesome that you are working your way through my blog. I'm glad you are liking it!