Jillian Michaels Shreds Me

I do Jillian Michael's Shred Routine..once. The results:

The first day I tried Shred I managed to make it through by promising myself I could stop at the halfway mark, then just after this next rep, and the next until I did it all. I was woefully unprepared, had no floor mat, and beat the hell out of my knees and tailbone throwing myself onto the hardwood to do sit ups and push ups. Hell yeah I said push ups. And not the orange ice cream kind you used to eat and then pretend you had a smoke and an ashtray with the clear plastic inner workings. Actual, goddamn push ups.

Hours after I did Shred I texted friends that it "Wasn't as hard as I thought it would be."

The morning after I did Shred I texted friends that "They should tell me to shut the fuck up if I ever brag about how easy an exercise routine is again. And could they come and lift me out of bed because I am alternately numb from the neck down or in screaming pain and it's possible I've wet myself and don't even know it."

The days after I did Shred I was too scared to do it again. I kind of need my limbs you know? I decided I would just keep up my faithful evening walking routine and maybe revisit it again...someday.

A week after I did Shred I asked husband if I looked like I had been gaining weight from all the baking I've been doing. It wasn't so much that he said, "Yes, you can see it in your ass." as it was that he had his answer immediately at the ready. You know how you see someone inhaling and getting ready to answer your question before you even finish speaking? Like that.*
So Jillian bring your sadistic gym teacher routine back to my living room. We're giving this another go today. This time I've got a foam exercise mat that's thicker than cream cheese frosting. I unearthed my 2lb weights from the attic. I'm wearing spandex from head to toe to act as a fat shock absorber during the jump rope routine, and a panty liner for the jumping jacks. And best of all I've got a Costco size bottle of Ibuprofen on the kitchen counter.

Let's do this.

*And please no man bashing, husband has loved my ass at every size but knows how important my weight loss is to me and promised to be honest if I asked him about it.


Bill/Shredheads said...

Ahh, Costco ibuprofen. My hero. :)

That's so great you're giving it another go - and don't worry if you have to drop the weights for the first couple of days...I did. It was a bit humiliating, but once your body gets used to the torture, uh, I mean workout, you'll need them.

The Transplant said...

Oh my goodness...I almost peed myself from laughing so hard!! :) I feel your pain- I'm currently doing a bootcamp with a woman who is pure evil, but each day the hurt feels a little better! Good luck!

areyoukiddingme said...

Once I stopped feeling like vomiting after my workout, I felt like I could move on to Level 2. On the one hand, the Level 1 stuff didn't make me too sore. On the other hand, I am seriously out of shape if I want to throw up...but that's just the cardio, I think. My problem is that I have weak shoulders and a lot of the workouts rely on shoulder work. So, I put the weights down a lot. If you think the jumping jacks are bad, wait for the plank jacks! Ugh!

Anyway, you have a partner in your torture (4 days a week anyway - I reserve the right to skip weekends and my weekends are 3 days long. Also, I have to mow the lawn then and that's enough of a workout).

Momomatic said...

Bill - The weights felt easy actually. I think I'm Midwestern, haul in 2 gallons of milk in one hand strong in the arms. But the squats and situps kicked my ass!

Transplant - Glad I made you laugh. Hope I'm laughing in the morning..gonna do this today after Kindergarten drop off...

Areyou - Good to know you are with me! I don't want to give up my walks so I'm not sure how to mix it up. Sounds like I need to do the Shred at least 4 days a week based on the message boards, etc. that I looked at.

Anonymous said...

Good for you! The pain is horrible I know. The sad thing is I keep going through this process over and over again as I attempt to start working out again. However, if you keep working out, the pain eventually goes away. It's lactic acid build up in your muscles I think - here's how I have handled it, it won't stop that pain but it will make it slightly better - drink lots of water this is important, take the ibuprofen, and stretch before bed for at least 15 minutes. When you wake up, warm up your muscles and stretch again (after the ibuprofen has kicked in). I am so proud of you sister!!!!